


Mad World

by yowzahsweetie



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-22
Updated: 2014-05-20
Packaged: 2018-01-09 16:15:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 52,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1148055
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yowzahsweetie/pseuds/yowzahsweetie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They hadn't spoken in a few years. But it was like that with them. They could go long periods of time without talking and pick up right back where they left off, as if no time had passed at all. Alex smiles to herself at that notion, letting herself remember how easy it had always been between them. The jokes, the playful banter, the flirting. It never failed that he was always the only one who could effortlessly put a smile on her face. God, she missed him.</p><p>This is an AU in which Matt & Alex met and became friends in their high school years. This is the story of their relationship evolving as adults. There are a couple flashbacks to establish the relationship, but this is NOT set in high school years.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. All Around me are Familiar Faces

Alex sits staring at her phone for what seems like a lifetime. As she holds it in her hands she feels her nerve slipping away. _What is the big deal?_ She thinks. _He’s your friend. He’s been your friend for ages. He’ll be delighted to hear from you._

But what if he isn’t?

What if he ignores her?

What if he doesn’t? Was she prepared to handle this?

They hadn’t spoken in a few years. But it was like that with them. They could go long periods of time without talking and pick up right back where they left off, as if no time had passed at all. Alex smiles to herself at that notion, letting herself remember how easy it had always been between them. The jokes, the playful banter, the flirting. It never failed that he was always the only one who could effortlessly put a smile on her face. God, she missed him.

When she thought more about how long it has been since they’d last spoken, she tries to remember just how long it has been since they’d last seen each other. What was it now, ten years? Perhaps more? She wonders how he might have changed. In her mind his face always remained the same. The way his eyes sparkled when he got excited and the way they grew dark when he looked right through her. The small creases on the sides of his eyes when he smiled. That smile. It was her undoing. Of course because it _had_ been so long she knew that he’d surely changed, grew up, matured. Though he’d probably never completely be rid of the baby face.

Alex smiles to herself once more then shakes herself out of her reverie. She doesn’t know why she is so nervous to contact him. Well, that isn’t entirely true. She is aware of several reasons to be nervous. But despite that, she still longs to hear his voice, hear his thoughts, just _be_ in his life again, even if just a small part. With her living in New York and he in LA, she knows just how difficult it is to stay in touch. Even with phone calls and texting and emails, there has to be a conscious effort made. It is too easy to fall out of contact and she had learned that the hard way, with several friends over the years. She’d even learned that the hard way with him. They’d have small bouts of communication and then…just…nothing. It was understandable, that life tended to get in the way. Between jobs and family and time zones and scheduling, it was difficult. But Alex again remembered that this is the way it was with them, how it had been ever since she moved away. And he never commented on it or made it seem uncomfortable. It always seemed that he was just genuinely happy to hear from her and despite his busy schedule, made the effort to communicate with her too.

Then she remembered the last time they were in touch. It was a few years ago and it started out much the same as it always had. A few text messages, phone calls that began as a quick story and easily stretched out to an hour long conversation or more. Then one day she told him not to text or call her for a few days. He hadn’t understood and she hadn’t had time to explain, but promised she would. He played it off light heartedly, telling her he would do as she wished but she owed him a story about why. She remembered her last message to him clear as day. _You’ll get your story, I promise. Thank you for understanding._

She never explained. Never told him why. Didn’t contact him again after that except for the email she sent to him on his birthday that year. He hadn’t responded, and really, she understood. It had been foolish to think that they could just pick up where they’d left off without a reasonable explanation. But she hadn’t been ready to give it to him. Now, she hoped enough time had passed. Not necessarily to avoid that conversation, but hopefully enough to temper any ill will he might have towards her.

“Okay”, Alex says to herself. “Get a hold of yourself, Alex. You’re a grown woman. It’s just a phone call.”

Still, she’s never been very good with words when confronted. She could recite lines with her eyes closed and be playful and witty any day of the week. Yet when it came to moments that make her nervous, or emotional…she always finds herself not saying the things she wants or needs to say. She finds herself much better at writing under those circumstances. With a pen in her hand she could pause, evaluate her words. Keep a safe distance. Not say anything out of turn and not be left speechless by things said to her.

Very well then. An email it was. Yes there was the chance he might not get it. Or that he’d get it and not respond. But it was safer than hearing his voice. She knew the moment she heard his voice she’d come undone. So she casually slips her phone into her pocket and sits down in front of her computer. Even now, words escape her. _Bloody hell this shouldn’t be this hard!!_ Then, in a moment of either clarity or sheer exasperation, Alex decides what she will say. Keep it simple. Leave the ball in his court. She began typing.

_Hey Stranger,_

_It’s Alex. Long time no talk, yeah? I know it’s been awhile and you popped into my mind the other day. I just wanted to say hello and see how you were doing. I hope to hear back from you._

_Take care,_

_Alex._

She frowns at the “popped into my mind” bit but really, what is she supposed to say? That she thinks about him a lot? A lot more than she properly should? No, this is better, albeit a bit aloof. She has to stop thinking and overanalyzing this so much. Otherwise she will lose her nerve entirely and it will be another three years before they talk. In a moment of haste, she clicks send, and begins the wait.


	2. Worn Out Places, Worn Out Faces

*Flashback*

They met when they were 14 years old. Met in school. Somehow the friends she had and the friends he had knew each other and soon enough they formed a small circle of friends. The shyness they both had around others slowly melted away as the friendship blossomed. They had fun together, they laughed together, they commiserated together. All in the semblance of friendship, and always within their small group.

But there was no hiding the electricity they shared and it only grew as the years evolved. They had undeniable chemistry and an easiness between them that came so naturally. Matt always found a reason to tease her simply because he knew it got under her skin and he loved watching her come undone. The way she’d bite her bottom lip, how her brow would furrow in the middle of her forehead when she got angry or frustrated. On the other hand, he also loved watching her laugh. Her tiny little dimples in the corner of her mouth when she smiled made his heart flutter. The way she laughed with her whole body, when something truly made her laugh, made him feel whole in a way he didn’t understand. He just knew that he always wanted to be the one to make her laugh like that. And the hair…god her hair drove him wild. It was curly and unruly and she hated it. Said she could never control it and it was always everywhere. But any chance he got, he’d play with it, take a ringlet between his fingers and watch it bounce back to life. He could never get enough of that. He made her promise to never, ever cut her hair because it would be a disgrace to humanity. She always scoffed at that.

The summer prior to their last year in school Alex decided to take a photography class at the local junior college. Her dad had given her his older (now vintage) camera and she wanted to learn everything about how to use it properly. She was telling him about it one day and Matt, as always, was listening attentively.

“Hey, why don’t you do it with me?” she asked.

“Do what with you, the photo class?”

“Yes! Come on, it would be so much fun to do it with someone I know!” She had her eyebrows raised and hands clasped together, pleading with him to do this.

“I don’t know the first thing about photography, Alex. I’d be awful. Besides, school in the summertime? What kind of mad world do you live in?”

There it was. She furrowed her brow. “It’s a night class only a couple times a week, so you can still have your days to run _free_ ,” she exaggerated. “And I don’t know anything about photography either, I just thought it would be fun.”

Matt glanced sideways at her. He’d already made up his mind the moment she asked him, but he had to play it cool. “Alright, well, let me think about it okay?”

Sure enough, he decided to take the class with her and that summer was one they’d never forget. They grew impossibly closer, learning little idiosyncrasies about each other, sharing inside jokes that no one else would ever understand. Some days he’d drive them while she slept in the passenger seat, exhausted from her day spent in the sun as a day camp counselor. Other times she’d drive, wanting to control the music selection. One song in particular was played heedlessly on the radio every day, and they dubbed it as “their” song. And with each growing day, he fell just a little bit more in love with her.

The end of summer was near and Matt knew, above anything else, that he didn’t want this to end. The level of comfort they shared, the closeness. He knew once the school year began it might just all slip away in the bustle of everything else. He had to do something before he lost his nerve and lost his chance. He invited her out to a baseball game one night, claiming it would be fun to watch the fireworks and eat horrible hot dogs and everything else that was bad for you from the concession stand. She agreed, and there they sat, the night coming to an end all too quickly for his liking. Every time he’d tried to say something to her the words caught in his throat. Throughout the rest of their conversation, he tried to drop subtle hints hoping she might catch on. He talked about a couple of their other friends who began dating. He talked about how fun it would be to have a girlfriend for all the fun events coming up that year. It all seemed to go over her head. God she was so very oblivious sometimes. Matt knew he had to just bite the bullet. He hated to admit it to himself but he was very, very nervous and scared. What would she say? How would she react?

Alex knew something was off with him that night. He was acting a bit skittish, nervous actually. He wasn’t talking much and when he did, he’d bring every conversation around to the same topic. Dating. Friends. Relationsh – oh God. Was he - ? Before she had time to completely process her thoughts, his words interrupted her.

“I need to ask you something, Alex.”

Oh God. Oh God. He really was doing this. Alex’s heart began to beat rapidly and her palms became sweaty. She didn’t know what to do but she was not expecting this and didn’t like it. He was her friend. Her _friend_. She knew what was coming next and couldn’t process how to deal with it.

“No, no you don’t, Matt,” she said nervously.

He laughed a bit and retorted, “Yeah, I really do.”

She covered her ears and began shaking her head. “Nope, no, no no. I don’t want to hear it.” Christ, she was acting like a five year old. She knew she was being ridiculous but she needed space. She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t even think properly. She needed time. More time.

Matt looked at her like she’d grown a second head and then it dawned on him. She knew what was coming. Right. Apparently he hadn’t been so subtle then. He gently removed her hands from her ears and willed her to look at him. She wouldn’t. Was she nervous too? “Alex,” he continued. “Listen to me. I just really like you, and we have so much fun together already…I just want to know if you’d go out with me. You know, like dating? Fun friendly times but with kissing at the end.” His attempt at humor fell on deaf ears. She continued to stare forward and not say a word. His nerves started to get the best of him and his hopes began to dim slightly. She still said nothing. He made an awkward attempt to fill the void of silence. “It’s just, you and I are great together, you now? We laugh, we’re already friends. And really, I just want more of an excuse to play with your hair.” He smiled, thinking that would brighten the mood a little bit.

Nothing.

After what seems like an eternity, Alex seems to shake herself out of whatever state of consciousness she’d been in. “What do you expect me to say to that?” she snapped.

Matt looks like he was just slapped in the face. “Well, I sort of hoped you’d just say yes,” he stammered out.

“Well that’s great for you, isn’t it?” she quipped. “You’ve had all sorts of time to think this through and you just blindside me with it, and I’m just supposed to say yes at the drop of a hat?” She knows what she’s saying is cruel and he doesn’t deserve it. But she’s not sure, not really, and doesn’t know what else to do. This would change their entire relationship and she wasn’t ready for that. They had such a great thing with each other, why risk ruining that for good? She knew she felt something different with him, but it was something she’d never felt before and didn’t understand it. So naturally, she just pushed it away. And now, with it bubbling back to the surface, all of a sudden everything made her angry. Angry that she couldn’t understand her feelings. Angry at him for being able to. Angry at the possibility of things changing. So she dealt with her anger the only way she knew how. To blame him.

He looked so defeated. All of his hope, all of his confidence, gone. “No,” he whispered. “You don’t have to say yes right away. You don’t have to say yes at all. I just thought…” he trailed off. Then silence.

“I’m sorry,” Alex said calmly. “I overreacted. But I do need some time to think about this, okay? I just-I just don’t know.”

“Yeah, sure,” he said indifferently. “I uh – I’m ready to go home, if you are. It’s almost over anyway. We can beat the traffic.”

_Shit,_ Alex thinks to herself. Now she’s gone and done it. Wounded her best friend all because she couldn’t deal with her own feelings. She tries to think of something to say that will make him feel better. Something to make him not hate her at this very moment. But she can’t think of anything. “Yeah, okay,” is all she manages to say. She tries to talk about something, anything, to get his mind off this for the duration of the car ride. She tries making jokes. He responds to her but it’s distant and she knows he’s breaking inside. As they arrive back at her house she turns to him. “I’ll call you, okay?” He nods in agreement, not saying a word. She goes to hug him and even as awkward a position they’re in, she still feels him stiffen and tense. She’s again at a loss for words because what could she possibly say at this moment? Without knowing what else to do, she reluctantly begins to get out of the car. With her door halfway open, Matt breaks his silence.

“I’m sorry. For springing that on you like that, you know. I should’ve thought it out a bit more.”

Oh god, what was he doing to her? She blew up at him for no good reason and now _he’s_ the one apologizing? She feels the guilt rise up in her throat. “You don’t have to apologize, Matt. You did nothing wrong. I’m sorry I reacted the way I did…it just really threw me off, you know? I just…wasn’t expecting it.” He nodded in understanding, but still looked completely withdrawn and morose.

“Just call me, whenever.” Now he’s the one needing the distance and space, and she sees it immediately. She gets out of the car and waves him off, watching him drive away and her shoulders slump in defeat. What the hell was she going to do now?


	3. Bright and Early for Their Daily Races

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is part 2 of the initial flashback - might be more detail than I originally planned but I think necessary to establish the foundation of their relationship.

*Flashback continued*

 

They didn’t talk for about a week. For her part, Alex had been through the ringer going over the possibilities that a relationship with Matt posed. She had been so happy, so confident with their friendship that she never stopped to think of it as anything else. What would it be like, them dating? How would it feel to have him hold her hand? What would their other friends think? Alex had never been one to do anything on a whim or go with her gut instinct. She always needed rationale. Needed to think things through. So she tried to think of every possibility. Every scenario. She kept coming back to the same thought.

_What if it doesn’t work?_

Then what? Do they stay friends? What does that do to the dynamic of their group of friends? Alex dropped her head and growled in frustration. She’d never dated before, she didn’t know what to expect…or what was expected of her. Granted, neither had he, so that part could be figured out along the way. She kept trying to imagine what it would feel like to be with him, as a couple. She found that after a week she was no better off than at the beginning. She still wasn’t sure. What she did know was that she adored spending time with him. He really was a sweetheart. And what he said to her that night was true – they had tremendous fun together. So how would it really be any different? The kissing part? Alex shrugged to herself. _I can handle that, no big deal._ In the end, she figured what was the harm? She’d never really be sure unless she tried, and it was more worth it to try than lose him completely.

She called him and asked if he wanted to meet for dinner at their favorite restaurant. He agreed, and she set off with less sense of trepidation than she had felt in a week. She could do this. _They_ could do this. It’d be great. Why not?

* * *

Seven long, agonizing days and here he sat, waiting for her. To what…seal his fate? God he wished he could quit being so dramatic. But this was _Alex_ …and he just… _knew_ they would be great together. She hadn’t said over the phone what she had decided or if she had decided anything. Just that she wanted to meet. So there he sat, running over every possible scenario in his head like he’d done every day for the past week. If she said no, he’d understand. He’d hate it, but he’d have no choice. He wasn’t going to let her out of his life just because she didn’t possibly feel the same way he did. He couldn’t do that. On the flip side, if she said yes…well. That was something entirely different. He imagined the way he’d scoop her up into his arms, kiss her breathlessly, and just hold her ever so tightly. He imagined going places together, as a proper couple, being so sickly in love that their friends hated them. Mostly though, he imagined simply being with her. Not having to hide the way he looks at her. Not having to play everything off as a joke. Just being near her, every possible chance he could get.

He glanced her walking through the doors and shook himself to reality. She wandered over to the booth he was in and sat down. They both smiled and laughed a bit nervously. Since when had it become so awkward around each other? They exchanged courtesy “how are you’s” and carried themselves away in small talk over dinner. Neither wanted to address the huge, giant elephant ominously hovering over them.

Eventually, Alex knew it was her move to make, though she didn’t quite know how to begin. All that came out of her mouth was, “So…” Matt raised his eyebrows pointedly, waiting for her to continue that sentence. When she didn’t, he sighed resignedly. “It shouldn’t have to be this hard, Alex. It’s alright. I understand.”

“What? No! I wasn’t–“ She laughed bitterly at herself. Why was talking about her feelings so damn difficult? She took a deep breath and continued on. “I didn’t come here to turn you down. I’ve thought a lot about it, and, I mean…we’re already friends like you said. We have fun together and really it wouldn’t be all that different.”

Matt cocked his head slightly. This sounded like she was checking points off a pro and con list. Was she trying to rationalize this to herself?

“So…” she continued, “Yeah. Sure. Why not?”

He looked pointedly at her. _Why not? Why not?!! That was her answer?_ Of all the positive and negative scenarios he ran through in his mind he sure as hell didn’t come up with this one. Rejection, he could take. Acceptance, he could most definitely take. But this? Utter…indifference? As he looked at her, he wondered what could possibly be going through her head right now. She was smiling, quite expecting him to do the same, like she’d just handed him a satchel of gold. It was as if she was happier that she had come to a decision rather than being happy with the decision she had made.

“Alex,” he started. “I understand that I put you in an awkward place when I first asked you out. I get that. And I get that you needed some time to think about it. But…you either are interested in someone or you’re not. Saying ‘sure why not’ doesn’t exactly make it seem like you’re interested. It’s a lot different than saying ‘yes I really like you and I’d like to be with you’. I don’t want you to test out the waters with me simply because you’ve got nothing better to do.”

She looked shell-shocked. She thought she had done well, thought she’d said what he’d wanted to hear. She felt the guilt rising in her throat again and it made her angry, again. She tried to temper it as best she could and swallowed heavy. “I didn’t mean it like that, Matt. I do want to try, really I do. Just…maybe we can take it slow, is all. It’s just going to be different changing from friends to…more than friends…and I don’t want to mess it up.”

Matt smiled a bit. He tried to read her eyes and body language in conjunction with the words she was saying. He needed to know if she was being sincere. He knew they were best friends and he knew she'd never purposely hurt him. But christ, he didn't want her out of pity either. Above everything, he just wanted her. And he'd take her any way he could get her. “Of course we can take it slow. I don’t want to lose our friendship. I just want to make it more.”

“Okay,” she breathed and let out a rather big, expressive sigh.

“Okay.” He smiled again. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

* * *

They officially began dating in August, the school year beginning in September. Her instincts had been right for the most part, nothing had really changed much between them at all. Matt was definitely more affectionate, always seeking to put his arm around her or hold her hand. They had exchanged a few kisses, though nothing more than a peck on the lips. She didn’t really know how or what to do, and almost always instinctually pulled away from the kiss and instead gathered herself in his arms for a lengthy hug. That seemed to be a recurring encounter. Quick chaste pecks and long, enduring hugs. 

In September, her birthday rolled around and she walked into her morning class to find a dozen red roses sitting on her desk. She glanced around sheepishly, wondering who else had seen them. Who was she kidding? Everyone had seen them and it was a bit unnerving. She wasn’t quite used to being the center of attention and certainly was not comfortable with it. She tucked them away under her desk and later awkwardly carried them with her out of the classroom. That’s where she connected with a beaming Matt, who hurried over to her, grasping her for a big hug and whispering “Happy Birthday” in her ear. He looked quite proud of himself and it made her even more self-conscious. She thanked him for the lovely surprise, and walked arm in arm with him to her next class, trying to make her birthday bouquet not so obvious. Later in the day as she approached her car to head home, she noticed another red rose, sitting on the windshield of her car. She rolled her eyes but also smiled a bit inwardly as she removed it, got into her car, and drove home.

Later that afternoon, Matt called her as she was finishing up a paper. “What are you doing?” he asked.

“Nothing much, just wrapping up some homework.”

“Oh okay. Hey, do me a favor would you?”

“Sure, what is it?”

“Look outside your window.”

Oh god, she thought. What now? As she glanced out her front window, there he stood in front of her house with a huge stuffed bear in one arm and a huge box of chocolates in the other. _He seriously doesn’t give up, does he?_ Alex invited him in, accepted his gifts with a “thank you” and “you’re so sweet” before he had to leave. As she sat back down on her bed, she lifted her head back against her shoulders and closed her eyes, breathing deeply. He was an amazing boyfriend. So why didn’t she feel like someone with an amazing boyfriend should feel? Something was just…off. She couldn’t put her finger on it and god knows she couldn’t put words to it. He tried to make her feel like a queen and yet something inside her just couldn’t accept that. Couldn’t accept that someone would want to treat her this way. It made her deliriously uncomfortable and uneasy. She kept telling herself that she was just still trying to adjust to the “more than friends” part. It would take time. _Just be patient._

Over the next few months however, things didn’t improve much. Her feelings of uneasiness didn’t seem to wane and her patience was running thin. Worst of all she knew that Matt was starting to notice. He became more distant. Certainly not as affectionate. An air of awkwardness settled heavily between them. It was November, it had been three months, and it wasn’t working. She knew they had to have a conversation to talk about this.

Her phone ringing startled her from her thoughts.

“Hey, it’s Matt.”

She took a deep silent breath. “Hey,” she replied.

“Listen, can you meet me at the park by your house? I need to talk to you about something important.”

Her ears turned a bit red and the thumping in her heart returned. “Yeah, of course. I can be there in 10 minutes.”

“Okay. See you then.”

_Alright then,_ she thought. So maybe we can hash this out today and figure out what to do.

When she got to the park and reached where he was waiting, she saw something different in him. Something…defeated. They walked as they began talking. Well, Matt did most of the talking. “I think we both know this isn’t really working out, Alex. I feel like I keep trying to reach you and you continually shut me out. You don’t ever try to get close to me and every time I touch you I can feel you try to recoil until you just try to tolerate it. I thought, you know…I thought being together would just enhance what we already had. But it’s just made it worse.”

Alex swallowed deeply. This certainly isn’t what she expected. She thought she’d be coming here to let _him_ down easily. Words escaped her as Matt continued. “You don’t want to be with me, Alex, and it’s okay to admit that. Truth is you never really wanted to. I should’ve known. Actually I _did_ know, in the beginning, when your answer to me was ‘sure, why not’. But I forced myself to ignore that, because I just wanted you so much.” He stopped walking and turned to her. “I just wanted you to want me.”

Her mind raced for something appropriate to say, but words eluded her. How was he being so mature about all this? He had always came across as older, wiser, but this was really throwing her. “I’m so sorry,” was all she managed to breathe out. Saying those words gave her a bit of courage to continue on. “I never meant to hurt your feelings. I just didn’t…and I _don’t_ …want to lose you. Your friendship means the world to me, Matt.”

He stared at her like he was looking right through her. His eyes were dark and glassy. “Yeah,” he whispered. “I’m sorry too. And look, you’re not going to lose me, alright? It might just take a bit of time, that’s all.”

She nodded in understanding not knowing what, if anything else, there was to say. The easiness once between them was now gone, replaced by a heavy burden of guilt and loss. Alex felt like she was going to be sick. This is exactly what she had been afraid of in the first place. As she was going over and over her thoughts in her mind, Matt spoke one last time.

“I’m going to head home. I’ll talk to you later.”

“Okay,” she nodded. He began to walk back towards his car. “Matt?”

He turned around, hands in his coat pockets, and the look he gave her tore her in two. She wanted to cry but no tears came. All she desired was to make this better for him, to make him whole again. But she couldn’t give him what he wanted. And he just stared at her. No. Stared _through_ her. “Please don’t hate me.” God, even in her apology she was being selfish.

His eyes softened just a touch. “Not possible, Alex.” With that, he turned and walked away.

She hoped he wasn’t walking out of her life completely.


	4. Going Nowhere, Going Nowhere

It has been five days since Alex sent the email with no response. The first day or so after she sent it she checked her email regularly, hoping, wishing she’d see a reply. She thought maybe he didn’t have the same email address anymore. Maybe it went into his junk folder. Though, she began to realize, maybe he just didn’t want to speak to her. Alex felt a pang of hurt roll through her at that thought, but understood there was nothing she could do if that were the case.

She goes about her daily routine, with nothing changed. She inwardly chastises herself that she’s devoted so much emotion and effort to a pointless cause. What was she thinking, really? She wonders to herself why she continues to think about him so much, to dwell on a past that was a lifetime ago. The answer is clear enough. Alex was no mental health expert but it doesn’t take a genius to know that unhappiness in your current life situation gives way to thinking of happier times. Was fifteen years ago really the last time she was happy?

She’d had a dream about him, that’s what started this all again. A few weeks back. It was incredibly vivid and real, and not the sort of dream you forget about shortly after you wake. No, this one stuck with her, much like all the past dreams he had been featured in. Though the details became fuzzy with more time elapsed, she remembers certain, poignant parts. And she certainly remembers the shiver it sent down her spine when she awoke. She’d been sitting at some sort of picnic table, at night, people surrounding her as if it was some sort of get together. She wasn’t interacting with anyone though, just sitting, straddling the bench on one side of the table when she suddenly felt a presence sitting behind her. Alex knew it was Matt. Neither spoke a word. His warmth and proximity engulfed her and her breathing became shallow. She felt his hot breath against her ear and though he wasn’t touching her, she felt completely wrapped up in him. He was whispering. What was he whispering to her? She couldn’t hear a thing. Next thing she knew they were seated facing one another, just staring at each other. They had been talking, smiling, flirting, but the words now escaped her memory. But the feelings she had, welled up inside her, resonate as if it really happened. Their faces stood mere inches from each other like they were building up to a long awaited kiss. Her eyes flickered from his mouth back up to his eyes to find him gazing right back at her. His eyes were dark but soft, like he was peering into her soul. There they sat, just staring, waiting.

And that was the end of the dream. Every time there was some sort of parallel. Seeing each other for the first time in a long time. Her finding him. Staring. Lots of staring. They never touched. She longed to hold his face in her hands, to wrap herself in his arms, to kiss him properly. But the dreams always ended before any of that could happen. Alex huffs, trying again to shake the memory. It was then she sees it out of the corner of her eye. Her phone light blinking.

New email.

Alex grabs her phone and opens up her notifications. It was him. He had replied. As nervous as she had been to send it in the first place, she was impossibly more nervous now to read what he had written back. But she couldn’t take the waiting anymore.

_Kingstonator!_

_So good to hear from you! Yeah it has been a long time hasn’t it? How’s the big apple treating you? Pretty much same old, same old for me. Can’t complain though, life is pretty good! Would love to catch up. My number is 818-239-3754. Give me a call sometime._

_Matt_

Her smile reaches from ear to ear. She chuckles at the nickname he still calls her after donning it on her when they were younger. She never remembers how or why he came up with it, but he’d been so happy with himself and turned it into a sort of pet name for her. Alex lets out a breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding in. _So good to hear from you._ He was happy to hear from her. He wasn’t mad, wasn’t angry, and most importantly wasn’t ignoring her. On the contrary, he wants to talk _more_. The smile plastered on her face doesn’t disappear for the rest of the day.

* * *

Matt sits on his couch alternating between thumbing through scripts and browsing the internet. He sees his email notification go off and clicks back to it. She’d replied. _That was fast_ he thought. He’d sent a reply to her original email not half an hour ago. It had taken him a few days to sort out what he wanted to say to her. It was three years since they last spoke, and it had been her decision. She asked him not to text, call or email her and she would later explain why. But she never did. She just disappeared. He wasn’t stupid, and he figured it probably had something to do with some other guy. But he at least thought he’d get some semblance of an explanation. No. Instead she just ran. Classic Alex. He’d gotten an email from her several months after that wishing him a Happy Birthday but, truth be told, he was still very cross and quite frankly, annoyed. So he never responded. He thought many times of reaching out to her, but could never bring himself to do it. The anger subsided, sure…but as he distracted himself with other things, the other things became his livelihood. And soon, he just…forgot. Time and distance have a funny way of making that happen.

So when he first saw her letter, he was a bit taken by surprise. He was, truly, happy to hear from her. He always was. They got on famously and had a fun back and forth banter that was always entertaining. He wanted so much to ask her what the hell three years ago had been. He still wanted an explanation. But the more Matt thought about it, he chalked it up to a bad situation, whatever it was, and the last thing he wanted to do was push her to talk. It was easier and better for the both of them to keep it light hearted, at least initially. He knew that’s why she had left her message so open-ended. God, he could still read her like a bloody book even after fifteen years and thousands of miles of distance between them. He did want to hear her voice though. He craved it, much like he always had. So he gave her his number. He didn’t know why she preferred written contact versus verbal, but he had hoped she’d respond in kind. He clicks open her reply.

_I still can’t get rid of that name after all these years? Lovely to hear from you :)_ _The Big Apple is still the Big Apple, it’s been pretty good to me so far. Took a new job recently so that’s kept me busy. I’m so glad you wrote back. I was really hoping you would. So tell me about your life! What’s new and exciting in Matt’s world?_

_Take care,_

_Alex_

Right. So she wasn’t planning on calling then. Why didn’t she want to talk to him properly? He shakes his head and smirks. _Always have to do things the hard way, don’t you Alex._ He decides to play along for now. If she wants to exchange letters back and forth, so be it. He’ll get her to talk. He always does. He re-reads what she wrote. _I’m so glad you wrote back. I was really hoping you would._ That’s Alex speak for _I’m sorry for last time, please talk to me again._ And really, he was glad to. It was always better with her in his life, even from afar. He smiled to himself again and formulated his reply.


	5. Their Tears Are Filling Up Their Glasses

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Matt do some catching up and Alex reflects back again on their relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally! I meant to update this yesterday but couldn't, so here's a long-ish chapter for you. And I might have another update later today. The flashbacks won't continue on for much longer, but again, trying to set the stage for the foundation of the feelings toward one another. Thank you all for your feedback! It really helps keep me going.

They exchanged emails back and forth a few times, mostly making idle chit chat and catching up on what the other had been doing over the years. Matt was flourishing in LA, acting part time but mostly running his own producing and consulting company. He loved the freedom it allowed him and especially liked being his own boss. Alex teased him that he just enjoyed getting to sleep until noon every day, which he could not argue much against. For her part, Alex still enjoyed New York but no longer lived in the city. She told Matt that it had gotten too expensive and the theatre gigs she got occasionally couldn’t sustain her any longer, even with her full time office job. She filled him in on her parents and sister, and he did the same.

She knew from conversations they’d had over the years that he still kept in touch with a good handful of friends from their younger days. Most everyone had stayed in the LA area, most with the exception of Alex. He still had the same two best friends from school, and kept the same peripheral friends too. Alex shamelessly asked him to fill her in on any gossip from that group, just so she could feel a part of it once more. These were people that she not only hadn’t seen in over a decade, but she hadn’t really made any attempt to stay in touch with them. She had tried, for a few years after she first left. But that notion of ‘staying in touch’, she quickly found out, was easier said than done. People just tended to forget about you. Even if they hadn’t forgotten, the dual effort needed to keep communication going was challenging.

Which is why Alex is trying so desperately hard to make sure she does not get too wrapped up in her renewed friendship with Matt too quickly. She’s always had this problem. She either jumps in feet first and winds up hurt and disappointed, or she doesn’t jump in at all but rather keeps her arms out as a means of protection. If it was up to her, they’d talk every day, share secrets and be best friends again. That, however, was a pretty unrealistic expectation. Things had changed. Time had passed…a _lot_ of time had passed. She couldn’t let herself get carried away. She hated it, but she had to play the game. Be a little unavailable. Be witty. Leave him wanting more. _Sodding ridiculous,_ she thought. _We’re not dating, we’re friends. I shouldn’t have to play that game._ But, Alex also knew that she could get so wrapped up in him that the slightest thing could send her heart crashing to the ground. So she told herself to be a bit of both. Don’t play games. Be his friend, but don’t have high expectations either. Just take it for what it is, one day at a time.

Matt’s latest email included a note that their old mutual friend David sends his warmest regards. Apparently Matt talks to him on a frequent basis and recently mentioned that he’d spoken with her over email. _Dave was so excited to hear we’re talking. He was/is your biggest fan, you know that right? I think he was more brokenhearted that we broke up in high school than either of us was. Ha ha. I mean it though, he was practically flailing around knowing we’re talking._

Alex chuckled. For some unknown reason, David _was_ their biggest proponent as a couple during that three month disaster. He always made comments about how great they looked together, or how perfect they were for each other. He was a funny guy, that one. She was glad to know he still viewed her in a fond light. And he had been right. They had been perfect for each other. But she’d gone and set a bomb to it all, and by the time she returned to clear the wreckage, he was long gone.

* * *

 

For a few weeks after they had ended the relationship, Matt and Alex kept their distance as much as possible. It was difficult, considering they shared classes together and saw one another several times throughout the day. It had become quite awkward within their circle of friends as well. Both tried to be polite and cordial, but the awkwardness was extremely tangible and sometimes you could cut the tension with a butter knife. In the moments he believed she wasn’t looking, Matt would glare sideways at her, the bitterness in his eyes shooting daggers through her heart. All she wanted was for things to go back to normal, but they were a far cry from that and she began to believe that it would never happen…that she had lost her best friend forever.

She threw herself into any and every extracurricular activity she could, hoping to provide enough distraction from the way she felt. She increased her activity level in the student leadership club, which put her in charge of events and she began to meet more people and expand her social circle. Soon she found herself growing closer to a few of them, and before she knew it her smile returned, and she began to have fun again. It became easier for Alex to be around him knowing she had other friends to turn to. And, as time tends to heal all wounds, she and Matt slowly adapted back into being friends. It wasn’t nearly the same, but they were able to laugh and smile and be around each other again comfortably.

The holiday season ran through and New Year’s Eve had come upon them. There were only four of them, including Matt and Alex, that didn’t have any plans. Being that it might be their last year to spend this holiday all together, they decided they needed something silly and fun, and opted to ring in the new year at Disneyland. Alex, her best girlfriend Karen, Matt, and their other friend Arthur found themselves having the grandest of times, simply letting loose, enjoying their surroundings and enjoying each other’s company. Alex always enjoyed Arthur’s company – she had known him since they were five years old. They’d gone to school together and been in many classes together ever since she could remember. At one time she even had a schoolgirl crush on him, but he always seemed oblivious…that, or not interested. Now they just had a simple friendship, but she found she could always smile in his presence. He and Matt had become somewhat best friends the last few years as well, which made the group dynamic that much stronger.

All throughout their New Year’s night of laughter and fun, Alex noticed that Matt and Karen always seemed to wind up standing next to each other, as did Arthur and Alex. She didn’t think much of it, until she began to notice Matt going out of his way to be next to Karen whenever he could. Karen, for her part, seemed to be unaware and just acted her normal self. She was beautiful…tall and thin, with a bubbly, vivacious and friendly personality that completed her. Boys fawned over her all the time. Alex had never really been jealous of her, hadn’t needed to be. But here, in that moment, something wasn’t right, and Alex didn’t like it. For the rest of the night it remained much the same – Matt saddling up alongside Karen every chance he could, and Alex just playing along. She didn’t want her feelings to get in the way of the great time they were all having that night. They rang in the New Year with hugs and smiles, and Alex thought perhaps she just read into things too much. She did have a tendency to do that, after all.

For several weeks after, something within Alex began to shift. She watched Matt more, watched him interact with others, watched the way his smile reached his eyes sometimes. Things were, for all intents and purposes, back to normal between them. But Alex knew she had put a wall up, and she was sure Matt knew too. And though she had put that wall up and put some emotional distance between them, she found herself _wanting_ to be around him more. _Wanting_ him to plop down next to her like he would normally do. _Wanting_ and _needing_ to feel him close. She thought about their time together constantly. She chastised herself for acting like a proper idiot, being embarrassed by things that should have made her feel blissful. What was wrong with her?

The realization dawned on her. The problem hadn’t been him at all. It was entirely her. She wasn’t capable of dealing with that kind of emotion or attention. Perhaps it had all come too quickly. Perhaps she just wasn’t mature enough to readily accept and acknowledge that someone wanted her to know she was special. _So why the clarity now?_ She thought. Though she didn’t have an answer to that, she couldn’t shake these thoughts and feelings out of her system. Every time she saw him was complete agony. She wanted to wrap her arms around him and feel the comfort in his touch.

But that’s not what they were anymore.

The age-old catchphrase was true. You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. One day Alex sat in one of her classes and glanced across the room at Matt, watching him talk with others. And she knew. She loved him. She knew people might scoff at that notion, seeing as how she wasn’t nearly eighteen years old yet. But in that moment, and in that time in their lives, she did. She loved him. And she had lost him. She couldn’t dare tell him that, but she had to do something. She had to do or say _something_ , anything to try and win him back. Suddenly she had all the patience in the world. They could take it slow. They could build up to it. But she had to at least plant the seed.

As class ended and people filtered out, Alex waited in the hallway and caught his attention before he could leave. “Do you have a minute?”

“Yeah, sure. What’s going on?” he asked, looking down upon her, his face so earnest and innocent. She memorized that look a thousand times over. Looking down, fidgeting with her hands, Alex steeled herself. She had to do this. She looked up and met his eyes, and smiled. Instantly she relaxed in his presence. “Well,” she began, but before she could even take her next breath, Karen bounded out of the room and hopped to stand next to Matt.

“Hey guys!” she called.

And then Alex saw it. The way he lit up when he saw her. The smile he couldn’t wipe off his face if he tried. The way he completely forgot about Alex standing there and unabashedly focused all his attention on her. She swallowed her words and her breath until Karen spoke again. “You ready to go?”

Matt grinned at her and nodded. Then, as if remembering something, he turned to Alex. “Wait, Alex needed to tell me something.”

It took everything inside her to speak. She rapidly shook her head and said, “No, no that’s alright. It was just something about the assignment. We can talk later.” She gulped and cringed inwardly. She had to get out of there. The walls were closing in around her and she couldn’t breathe. She pointed back to the classroom and added, “You know I think I left a folder of mine in there, why don’t you guys go ahead and I’ll catch up with you in a bit.”

They both unsuspectingly nodded in agreement and started down the hallway away from her. She watched Karen loop her arm through Matt’s and now her chest felt heavy. She couldn’t stop the rapid beating of her heart, and couldn’t stop the wetness behind her eyes. _So this is what a broken heart feels like._


	6. No Expression

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex and Matt continue their conversations and things take an interesting turn.

Matt and Alex progress from emails every few days to spattered text messages in between. On some occasions, the text message conversations become like real conversations, and both feel like they’re learning each other all over again. Soon Matt points out an online chat feature to Alex, and it becomes their main source of communication. Daily, almost like clockwork, Alex sees him log on close to noon and rolls her eyes laughingly. Some things never change. But to his credit, he has built a business for himself quite successfully…so if staying up late and sleeping late was his reward, good on him.

Alex is amazed that even after all this time and even with nonverbal communication he can still make her laugh heartily. She pictures him so clearly in her mind and can practically hear the way he speaks, as if they’re having these conversations face to face. She desperately wants to see a picture of him and how he’s changed. But she knows that also means _he’ll_ ask for a return photograph, an idea Alex is not too keen on. She figures in time, it will happen.

Late one night Matt returns home from dinner with his sister and sits down to wrap up a project he’s been working on. He opens his email to see that Alex is online, and a smile stretches across his face. He immediately sends a message to her.

“What are you doing up so late, young lady?”

“Not really all that tired yet, I suppose.”

Matt smiles again. They made idle chit chat about what they did that day and other peripheral topics. After an hour had passed, Matt knew she wasn’t going to get a lot of sleep before she had to get up for work the next morning. “Aren’t you going to be tired tomorrow?”

“Probably, but worth it ;) Besides, I’m in bed now, getting ready to settle in.”

He paused for a beat. “What are you wearing?” he asked, followed by a quick “Ha ha ha” to let her know he was jokingly flirting.

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” was the reply he received. _Bloody hell, Alex._

“Tease” he shot back.

“Oh but it’s so much fun making you squirm, darling! Well, figuratively.”

He went on a small tangent about his “theory” on women and what they wear to bed. Alex laughed. He always had a theory about everything, and always thought he was right. He explained to her that in his mind, a woman’s choice of what she wore to bed gave way to show a side of her personality. After giving her a very thorough explanation about the basic categories he believed existed, he again asked her.

“So what category do you fall into?”

He knows he is pushing limits, but it was honestly in good fun and he knows if she becomes uncomfortable he’d be able to tell and redirect the conversation properly. Truthfully, he burns to know what she wears to bed. He yearns to know what she looks like after all these years. They’d always had a playful flirty banter when they were younger and now it was open to all sorts of conversation. They like to one-up each other, push the other past the point of appropriate boundaries and fun, daring to see who will relent first. He breaks from his thoughts when her reply dings through.

“What do you think?”

_Of course,_ he thinks. Always an expert at the game. _Okay, I’ll play along Alex._ “Well,” he began. “There’s the full pajama, and I don’t really see you as that type…”

“There’s the top with little to no bottom…”

“There’s the bottom with no top…”

“Or, there’s nothing altogether…”

He pauses as he gives great thought to his answer. “I could see you as number two, or perhaps three. I don’t know, it’s hard to say. You could just tell me you know.”

Alex replies quickly. “And take away all the fun I’m having?”

Matt groans in frustration. “You are a tease, aren’t you? I’m just suggesting you could throw a bone my way.” He waits a minute or two, then hears the ding.

“Well I do change it up…but for tonight, I’d be in category three.”

That did it. It’s all he can do now not to picture her, in bed, naked from the waist up and barely anything there on the bottom. His pants tighten and he knows the boundary is approaching. Who will get there first? He is enjoying himself, no doubt, and it seems like she is too. A few minutes pass and he realizes he hasn’t sent her a response. What the hell can he say to that? He can’t think of a thing, but doesn’t want to leave her without a response for much longer. So he writes the only innocent words that come to his mind at that moment. 

“Nice, very nice Kingstonator.”

On her end, Alex rolls her eyes. _That’s it?_ She liked where this conversation had been headed. Was this him surrendering?

“Shit, I’m so sorry I’ve kept you up this late. You’re going to be exhausted tomorrow!” _Ah, there it is. He changed the subject._ Still she thinks it very sweet that he’s showing concern for her well-being.

“No apologies necessary. I’m a big girl :) I’ll be okay.”

“Well if it makes you feel any better I’m never going to be able to get any sleep with the image you just put in my mind.” She smiles. It did make her feel better. Knowing he was thinking of her, and knowing he was thinking of her _naked_ upped the ante a bit. It brought their flirting to a new level, which Alex knows will be ever so fun to explore.

“Alright then, Kingston. I’m going to head off and let you get some sleep. For the record, I would very much like to continue this discussion tomorrow.”

“Sounds good to me. Good night, Matt.”

“Good night, Alex.”

Matt lets out a big sigh as he reclines back on his sofa and shoves the computer off his lap. He leans his head back on the cushion, staring at the ceiling. A slight smile and blush in his cheeks appears as he recalls their conversation. He closes his eyes and visions of her appear before him. The last time they saw each other, early in their twenties. Still with the wild hair, though tamed just a bit. Golden alabaster skin that glowed on its own accord. Legs that went on forever. Eyes that intoxicated you with a single glance. He sees her, clear as day, looking more beautiful and radiating than he ever remembered. His next vision is of her lying in her bed before him. He stands over her and she crooks a finger at him inviting him to her. On his hands and knees he stalks toward her, admiring every inch of her naked flesh.

Matt can’t help himself and he unzips his jeans, grasping his own length which is already rock hard at the mere thought of Alex naked in bed. He returns to his fantasy as he strokes himself slowly. He crawls between her legs and kisses her stomach, tongue darting out before his lips meet skin. He kisses his way up to her chest, then slightly turns to lick her nipple as his hand caresses her other breast. He slowly circles the tip with his tongue then sucks the whole thing into his mouth. He hears her moan as she urges him to continue. He moves his mouth upwards to her neck placing open mouthed kisses everywhere. His hand parts her thighs as his fingers gently slip underneath her underwear and strokes her soaking wet folds. He can’t stand it any longer and moves to enter her. She feels incredible as he disappears inside her and –

“Oh, fuck!!” Matt exclaims as he snaps back to reality. Panting and a bit out of breath, he tries to regain focus after having finished himself off before finishing his fantasy. _Fuck,_ he hisses inwardly. He cleans himself up and falls back on the sofa, unable to shake the images from his mind. He doesn’t know why he feels this way about a woman he hasn’t seen in over a decade. It’s just…it’s _Alex._ He’s always felt a pull towards her, no matter how much he’s tried to ignore or repel it.

He can’t do this again. Sure he enjoys the back and forth, the flirting. But he has to keep it there. He doesn’t know how to handle anything more with her. No matter how hard he tries, he can’t rid himself of the image of her. _Maybe she doesn’t even look the same._ There was only one way to find out.

He has to see her.


	7. Hide my Head I Want to Drown my Sorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delayed posting of this chapter! But I hope you are still enjoying it and I hope you keep reading because the story gets better!

Alex can’t take it anymore. She has to see him. After last night’s conversation, it is driving her even more crazy not being able to accurately picture him. She knows he probably hasn’t changed _that_ much, but making that visual connection would certainly put her more at ease. Living on the opposite side of the country, she knows seeing him in person isn’t an option. But she is more determined than ever to get a photograph out of him.  She tries several times, flirting, bribing, and he won’t budge. _Why doesn’t he want me to see him?_ She wonders. She wonders if he is hesitant for the same reasons she is. If she sends him a photograph, it takes the mystery away. No more hiding behind fantasy. What if he doesn’t like what he sees? What if he pulls away?

Alex grumbles to herself. What is she so worried about? It’s not as if anything could actually happen between them, so why is she thinking in those terms? She’s being ridiculous and she knows it. But a part of her, at the innermost part of her heart, always held out a string of hope that one day they might find their way to each other again. Through time and distance and other relationships, Matt was her baseline. He was the one she compared all the others to. He was the one, the only one, she smiled fondly upon remembering. Even in their darker times, and even in the times they didn’t speak at all…he was still always there. How can you rid yourself of a connection like that?

Of course she always carries the wonder and self-doubt that the connection she feels is one sided. She shakes her head subconsciously. _It can’t be._

But what if it is?

She knows for the most part he looks back upon their past fondly, and is happy they’ve been able to remain friends. But what if he leaves it there and that’s it? It’s not as if she hasn’t watched him flirt with others or heard the stories. And with her having been gone for so long, of course there are probably others that are privy to his most private, personal thoughts and feelings, moreso than her. So what is she to him? A friend, sure. But a peripheral friend to talk to only when time allows? She wants to be so much more. More than he will probably allow, of course.

Alex sighed. Truthfully, she really does appreciate having him around again. She doesn’t have many friends to turn to, and knowing he is there, even virtually, is enough for now. She sits down to write an email to him, but finds she doesn’t really know what to say. So she simply attaches a picture of herself and types “Here you Go” in the subject line before she clicks send without the opportunity to change her mind. She takes a deep breath _There goes nothing_.

She turns in her chair and her eyes settle on the old photo album sitting on her desk. Alex had pulled it out of her closet when she and Matt first began talking again. She opens it and thumbs through photographs from her younger years even she can’t believe. Her out of control hair. Her friends. All smiling and happy. Times were so much simpler then. And yet, even in simpler times, heartache and heartbreak were constant. As she turns the page she comes across a photograph that stops her heart. She and Matt, only a few weeks before they were set to graduate. A wave of emotion rushes over her as Alex remembers that day as if it was yesterday. She looks so happy in the photograph, no one would ever be able to tell it had been one of the worst days of her young life. Her fingertips trace over Matt’s face, fondly remembering how handsome he was. If only she knew then what she knows now. Her choices would have been so different. Though she can appreciate and accept a certain degree of fate and things happening for a reason, she wonders how different choices could have led to different outcomes.

* * *

Since the day Alex realized Matt had a thing for Karen, she tried to keep her distance as best as possible without being obvious. Keeping busy with school events greatly aided her endeavor. That was, until, Karen started seeking her advice about Matt.

“So, I think that Matt likes me,” she blurted out one afternoon as they walked to class.

Alex nearly fell out of her own skin. “What makes you say that?” she cooly asked, not knowing how to handle this sudden conversation.

“Well he just seems to want to be around me a lot more than ever before, and I guess we’ve gotten closer the last few months. Plus, he asked me to go to the senior formal with him,” she continued on, as if it didn’t mean much at all. Alex felt like a knife had gone through her heart. Of course she hadn’t had any expectations that he would’ve wanted to go with her, but she’d hoped he _might_. She had actually planned to ask _him_ that afternoon.

Trying to think of something, anything to say, Alex asked the obvious. “Did you say yes?”

“I told him I wasn’t sure. I mean I like him and all, but there’s someone else I’d sort of rather go with.” That someone else was named Chris, and it was obvious he and Karen had something brewing between them for awhile now.

Alex tried to speak in a calm and aloof voice. “If you really want to go with Chris, then why don’t you just tell Matt? Or at least just turn him down politely instead of stringing him along.” _Shit_ she thought. That sounded a little too interested for her liking. Karen didn’t seem to notice.

“I’m not trying to string him along or hurt his feelings or anything,” she replied, and Alex knew she meant it. “I sort of like them both, and I don’t really know what I want to do.”

_Fuck_ Alex said inwardly. What was she supposed to say or do? Karen was her best girlfriend and in this situation she normally could offer up help with complete objectivity. But she couldn’t disassociate from her feelings as easily as she thought she could. She adored Karen, but the girl loved the attention. It was like a child who held two toys in their hands, only playing with one until boredom set in and they turned their attention to the other. Only these weren’t toys. They were hearts. And one of them, she knew quite well, was worn very openly on its sleeve. Alex couldn’t bear to see Karen break Matt’s heart. Though she didn’t know the extent of his feelings toward her, she knew him…and she knew how quickly he got in too deep.

“Karen…I think you should think really hard about what…and who…it is that you really want, and let the other one down as lightly as you can. It’s only fair and believe me, it’ll cause you less pain in the end too.”

“Thanks, Alex. You give really good advice, you know that?”

Alex chuckled sarcastically. “I don’t know about that. I just don’t want to see this get messy.”

“Don’t worry!” Karen said excitedly. “I know exactly what I’m going to do!” And with that, she scurried off leaving Alex in her dust like the Tasmanian devil.

Later in the day Alex caught sight of Karen talking closely with Chris and practically leaping into his arms, hugging him, laughing and smiling. _Well I guess she made her decision then._ She hoped Karen had let Matt down easily and he wasn’t too broken up about it. Alex knew Karen and she knew that when it came to Matt, she only liked _being liked_ by him. As stupid as it was, they were seventeen and that’s how life was for them. Always drama, as silly as it seemed.

The following morning Matt caught up with Alex in the parking lot before the day began. He was quite talkative and seemed to be in a pleasant mood. Alex breathed a sigh of relief that he hadn’t taken Karen’s rejection very hard. She was also happy because she had some news to share with him and desperately needed his advice. They stopped just outside their first classroom and Alex spoke.

“So, I have something that I wanted to tell you…”

“Oh me too!” he exclaimed. “But you first.”

Alex was a bit taken aback and admittedly curious about his enthusiastic outburst. “No, it’s alright, you go first. You seem pretty excited.”

Matt smiled brightly from ear to ear and Alex froze. She had seen that smile before. “I’ve got a date for the senior formal,” he began. “And it’s someone I really like!” He paused before going any further and looked at Alex scrutinizing her face. “Wait, is it okay to talk to you about this? I mean I know it’s been awhile since…you know _us_ and all. But are we good?”

She knew what was coming but felt like she was trapped in a cocoon. Nowhere to turn, unable to move, just watching as this played out in front of her. “Yeah, yes…we’re good,” she was able to stammer out and give a half hearted laugh. 

Matt sighed a breath of relief. He was nervous and excited and she knew he needed this. Needed her. Needed a friend. “Yeah so…I asked Karen, and she said yes! I’m pretty excited about it but I’m also sort of nervous. I don’t want to screw it all up.”

Alex swallowed heavy. What the hell had Karen done? She knew she had to tread carefully.

“Um...I’m really happy for you, and I know you’ll do just fine. Knowing you you’ll do everything in your power to make her feel like a queen.” She forced a smile and nudged him to turn to keep walking. She wanted and needed this conversation to end now.

“So who’s your date?”

“Don’t have one yet,” she quipped, not knowing what else to possibly say to him at this moment.

He grasped her lightly by the elbow to stop her from walking. “Hey what did you want to tell me just now? Sounded important.” He turned to face her and she could barely make eye contact with him. She stared at a point over his shoulder before refocusing her eyes on his face. Big mistake. She felt a flood of tears rushing to her eyes and she knew she wasn’t going to be able to stop them from coming like she normally could. He saw it immediately. “Alex? What’s wrong?” He searched her eyes desperately.

Alex immediately diverted to her attention to her fidgeting hands. Everything inside her felt like a limp noodle, like she could crumble to the ground at any moment.

_I made a mistake_ she wanted to tell him.

_Choose me, not her_ she wanted to tell him.

_I’m desperately in love with you and I’m sorry_ she wanted to scream at him.

_She won’t mean to but she’ll only hurt you_ she wanted to whisper into his heart.

But Alex couldn’t bring herself to say any of that out loud. Her mind was racing and heart beating a thousand beats per second and she couldn’t focus. Suddenly she felt his hands on her shoulders and she immediately calmed. Matt ran his hands up and down her arms a few times, slowly, before resting them again on her shoulders, giving her a soft squeeze. Letting her know he was there. Letting her know it was okay, she could tell him anything.

Alex swallowed heavy and blinked back the rest of her tears furiously. She raised her eyes to meet Matt’s and had one last thought before she spoke. _It’s now or never._

“I’m moving to New York…in the fall.”


	8. No Tomorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If she’d truly made up her mind, he at least had to be a friend to her and not punish her for leaving. He cared for her, wanted the best for her, and was done holding grudges. It would crush him to watch her go, he knew without a doubt. But if this was what she truly wanted, who was he to stand in her way?

“New York?!” Matt exclaimed. “What…when did this happen?” He searched her eyes desperately. She couldn’t be leaving. She couldn’t be moving clear across the country. _Why does she want to move clear across the country?_ He waited seemingly forever for an answer from her. All she could do was look down and try to avert his gaze. He hadn’t noticed that his hands had fallen from her shoulders and as they stood mere inches from each other, there was an intangible distance that had settled in and wouldn’t leave. When she finally did speak, her head still focused on the ground, it was barely a whisper.

“I was accepted into New York University and…it’s an opportunity I can’t pass up.” With the last part of that sentence Alex looked directly into his eyes and all he saw was glass. He could see the tears wanting to fall but she wouldn’t let them. It was as if she’d gathered all the strength she had inside her and built a brick wall around her in a matter of seconds. She was steeled and unwavering. _Bull in a china shop Alex_ , he thought. He’d seen this side of her before, and knew at that moment that nothing he said or did could change her mind. But he had to try, or at the very least try to understand her sudden change in plans.

“But Alex, I thought…I thought you were staying here, and going to the junior college with me, and –“

“Things change, Matt,” she fired back quickly. “I need to do something with my life, something important. If I stay here, then it will just be more of the same for the next two years and then what?”

Matt recoiled a bit, but tried not to let it show. “What would be so wrong with that, Alex? You can do anything with your life you please. But moving across the country all on your own?”

She laughed sarcastically. “I’m a big girl, I can take care of myself.”

“That’s not what I meant-“

“I know exactly what you meant, Matt.” She leveled him with the coldness behind her stare. He felt like he was in a rip tide. The harder he tried to get to her the further away she drifted. “It’s just time for me to move on. To explore life outside our little circle. I just – I need to get away from it all. Besides, we’ll still keep in touch and I’ll be back to visit often. You won’t even notice I’m gone.”

Again, with that sarcastic laugh.

Why was she suddenly pulling away? Why was she running? Matt thought things had gotten better and they were back in their normal routine. Was this because of Karen? No, it couldn’t be. He’d just told her about Karen five seconds ago and besides, _she_ was the one that didn’t want _him_ not that long ago. Matt racked his mind trying to figure this out all while standing in front of her, shell-shocked. Though he couldn’t figure out the _why_ , he knew behind her tough exterior she needed support. If she’d truly made up her mind, he at least had to be a friend to her and not punish her for leaving. He cared for her, wanted the best for her, and was done holding grudges. It would crush him to watch her go, he knew without a doubt. But if this was what she truly wanted, who was he to stand in her way?

“Of course I’ll notice that you’re gone, Alex,” Matt whispered softly. “But if this is what you really want, then I’m happy for you.” He watched her face, trying to read her expression. Was that relief? Sadness? She’d gone to a place where even he couldn’t read her. And he could _always_ read her. But then again, she always let him. Not anymore. Not today.

She was right. Things change.

* * *

 

He doesn’t know how long he’s been staring at the screen but suddenly feels parts of him fall asleep and jerks to shake himself out of the stupor he found himself in. He’s been hoping she’d gone ugly. That or maybe just…plain. Not this. As Matt stares at the picture Alex sent him he is beside himself. She’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. She’s lost the girlish look and transformed into a gorgeous, gorgeous woman. She’s straightened her hair, and though the photograph is only from the waist up he can tell it’s from some sort of special occasion by the way she’s dressed. Her dress only covers one shoulder, leaving the other bare and her collarbone exposed. The curve of her neck down to her shoulder calls out to him. But he’s enraptured by her face. Her beautiful, glowing eyes. Lips curved into a smile that accentuates her cheekbones. And those small dimples in the corner of her mouth when she smiles…a favorite feature of his that has obviously stayed with her. Matt finds himself captivated in her exquisiteness.

Moreover he is pleased that she finally had the nerve to send him a photograph of herself. Of course he’d wondered what she looked like now, and she desperately begged, pleaded and bribed him for one of himself. But he enjoyed playing this game with her entirely too much. So after a bit, she took the leap. She made the first move. Good on her. It is on him now to do the only proper thing. So he finds a photograph of himself, Arthur and Steven from his recent birthday and sends it to her.

He glances at the _other_ photograph she once sent him, of he, Arthur and Steven from back in their school days. They were so young. _How did the last 15 years just vanish?_

Matt snaps out of his thoughts when he sees her appear online, no doubt seeing his picture at this very moment. Suddenly he’s nervous about what she’ll say so he figures he’ll break the ice first.

“Well hello, gorgeous” he types out.

“Ah that’s very sweet and very kind of you to say.” Matt shakes his head at that. She still doesn’t see it. You could put her in a room where every guy would paw at her feet and even then she wouldn’t get it. Part of him always found that self-deprecating charm of hers a bit endearing, but also extremely frustrating because the woman wouldn’t know a compliment if it hit her in the face. And, even then, she’d refuse to acknowledge it for what it was.

“I’m not being sweet, Alex. I’m stating a fact. You look incredible.” There, a little push. If only he could see her eyes rolling on the other end of the screen.

“Well, thank you for saying that. And look at you!! Quite dapper, I must say.”

“Don’t know about that, Kingston, but thanks.”

“Oh stop and just take the compliment. You look fantastic. And thank you for sending me a photograph back.” Matt grins and tells her that he appreciated her leap of faith and thought it only fair to return the favor. They talk at length about the different looks they’ve had over the years when something pops into Matt’s mind.

“So, Kingston, you wearing your hair straight now?” As gorgeous as she looks he misses seeing her curls. He has to admit that her straight hair adds an air of maturity to her and frames her face beautifully. He wonders if she’s like that now…straight, sensible, practical. Whereas the Alex with the curls, she was all those things but with a wilder side…sensual, passionate, unpredictable.

“For the most part, yes. It’s quite easier to manage, only it’s a giant pain in the ass to actually get it straight. There are some days where it’s just not worth the effort and I let it go wild :)”

 _That’s my girl,_ he thought. “As long as you promise never to cut it. You can’t ever, ever cut your hair, Kingstonator. It would be a crime-“

“Against humanity, I know.” Matt smiles. God, what he wouldn’t give to bury his hands in that hair right now.

Their talk lasts well into the night and over the next several months they speak frequently, practically every other day. Matt even calls her up a few times to chat properly, explaining to her that some stories just can’t be relayed with the written word. The first time he hears her voice he nearly comes undone, and she the same. The innuendo and the flirting is constant, both playing a game they know is dangerous, but also strangely safe because of the distance between them. They exchange stories and make idle small talk. He tells her about failed relationships. ‘What are you having for lunch?’ becomes a common theme that they both laugh at. The few times Matt tries to pry a deep conversation out of her, he doesn’t get far and chides her that they’re friends and asking what the other is going to eat for lunch won’t get them very far. Alex admittedly explains that she doesn’t like talking much about herself, and doesn’t easily trust a lot of people. Matt says that he understands, but hopes she knows she can trust him. And as a sign of trust on his part, tells her about his last relationship and his thoughts on love.

"I don't think I've ever been in love," he states.

"Seriously?" Alex asks. 

"I mean, how can you really know? How do you define it?"

Alex thinks for a minute. "I think it's different for everyone. It means different things to different people. But, when it comes down to it, I don't think it can be defined.  _Acts_ of love can be, sure. But actual, true, being-in-love love...it's just a feeling you have for someone. It's either there or it's not."

"Well I suppose I've come close, but never actually 'handed over the reigns' so to speak. It's just every woman I've dated, after some period of time, tries to put me on a five year plan, and that's when it almost always starts to go downhill."  
  


"Five year plan?"  
  


"Yeah, y'know.  _Where do you want to be in five years_  really means  _I want to be married and have a lot of kids in five years._ And even when I'm upfront with them about it and tell them that's not what I want, they either dump me right away or wait 6 months to a year in before trying to not-so-subtly change my mind."

"So you don't ever want to be married or have kids or any of that?"

"From where I stand, no, not really. I know it sounds a bit harsh but I really like my independence. I like my freedom. I don't see that changing anytime soon. My sister says it's an extended 'phase' I'm going through but it's really not."

Alex tries to tread lightly around this subject. She's heard this before from him and knew he is and has been very non-committal. Any professional...or anyone with a brain that knew him, rather, would tell you that his issues with trusting women compounded upon each other over the years and caused this to happen to him. From where Alex stood and what she knew of his dating past, it is completely understandable that he feels this way. Every woman he's ever given his heart to crumbled it up like it was nothing. Combine that with a dodgy relationship with his parents, the man didn't stand a chance at wanting a family. 

"What about you, Kingston? You going the marriage and babies route?" It takes awhile before she responds. 

"You know, I think I'm better off on my own for now. Lone wolf, know what I mean?"

"Totally get it." Soon after, their conversation wraps up rather quickly because Matt has a meeting. Alex breathes a sigh of relief.

*****

One afternoon their chat consists mostly of exchanging music recommendations and songs they love. “Kingston, I’m beginning to notice a pattern in the songs you’re choosing here.”

“Really? What’s that?”

“Well they all revolve around the same basic theme. Lost love, broken heart, loneliness…shall I continue?”

Alex tries to play it off as nothing. “Well, I suppose I just have a thing for sad songs…nothing wrong with that!”

“No, no, nothing wrong with it at all. Matter of fact I’m a big fan of sad, pretty songs. But I think there’s more to the story here. So come on then, spill.”

Her breath catches in her throat. Thank god he wasn’t standing in front of her to see her reaction. “There’s nothing to tell.”

“Kingston…” he chides her. “Remember how we talked about being friends? Come on, I’ve told you several stories about my failed attempts at relationships. You owe me one.”

Alex sighs in exasperation to herself. “Alright, I’ll give you a story then. Just not that one.”

“No, no, no, no. Wait. Now that I know there _is_ a story I want this one. I mean, you can tell me another one if you want as well but I’m getting this one out of you too.” _Shit_ , she thinks as she chastises herself. She let her guard down for a _minute_ and stuck her proverbial foot in her mouth.

“Okay then. It isn’t really a _story_ so much as just…unresolved feelings. Unrequited, unresolved, feelings. There was a guy once upon a time and I guess you could say he was the ‘one that got away’. I had feelings for him, but was pretty sure he didn’t feel the same, so I never said anything. End of story.” She hopes he leaves it at that.

But of course, he doesn’t.

“Wait, if you felt that strongly about the guy then you had to have been close to him right?”

“I suppose you could say that.”

“He had to have known how you felt, then. You can't be around a person that much and be that clueless.”

Alex begins to get very uncomfortable with the direction this conversation is going. “Um, I doubt it. And, like I said, I don’t think he felt the same so…even if he knew, he didn’t do or say anything about it. That pretty much tells you right there that it wasn’t mutual.”

After a pause she nearly has a heart attack at his next question. “So who was the guy? Someone back in college?”

She doesn’t want to _lie_ to him but she also cannot ever tell him the truth. So she tries to sidestep it. “Oh no, no, no. That part I get to keep to myself.”

“Ah, I see. So I know him!”

 _Fuck!_ “I didn’t say that, did I?” Now her palms are sweating and she desperately wants this conversation to be over.

“Not in so many words. But if I _didn’t_ know the guy, why would you have a problem telling me who it is?”

Alex closes her eyes and tries to think of a smart way to end this. “All I’m saying is, this is a very personal thing for me and it’s something I’ve never told anybody. I’d prefer to keep it that way if it’s all the same to you. If ever anything changes and I see him again and confess, and he feels the same, and we run off into the sunset… _then_ I’ll tell you.” There. Knowing that would never happen, she feels safe in offering it up to him, as silly and childish as it sounds.

“Oh, Kingston. I’ll let it go for now…but I have a very good memory, remember.”

 _Oh I know. Like a damn elephant._ She hopes she was successful at diverting him away from this line of conversation. She also hopes it wasn’t incredibly obvious that she was talking about him. He is smart and intuitive and can put things together very quickly. Then she remembers that in his mind, she never felt that way about him. In his mind, he gave her everything and she threw it all away. He never knew the depth of her feelings. He never knew that every day, for the last 15 years, she’s been in love with him. And he never would.


	9. And I Find it Kind of Funny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She tried desperately to stay in touch with as many of her close friends as she could and at first, everyone seemed similarly eager. But as the months wore on, the conversations became less, and Alex felt her entire world slipping away. Matt had all but disappeared into oblivion and she couldn’t make sense of that at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to grabby hands :)

Weeks tick by and a new year is almost upon them. As much as Alex loves the holiday season, she positively hates the New Year’s holiday. Not having had very successful celebrations in years past, she resigns herself to just staying indoors, eating a nice meal, and watching the ball drop.

She sees Matt online, looks at the clock, and decides to give him a bit of time to properly wake up before greeting him. To her surprise, he greets her first.

“Happy almost New Year, Kingstonator!”

“Same to you! Big plans for the evening?” Alex assumed he’d have a big party to go to, with fancy clothes, beautiful women, amazing food. While he wasn’t exactly a social butterfly, he knows how to turn on the charm and make everybody in the room think they are the only thing that matters.

“Nah, not really. Probably go to my sister’s for a bit, watch some movies. You?”

“No plans at all, which is the way I like it. This holiday and I don’t exactly have a great track record. How about you? What’s been your best New Year’s ever?”

Alex waits for Matt’s response as she busies herself with other work. When she sees his reply, she is stunned.

“Probably Disneyland, with the four of us, back in the day.”

_Seriously?_ Out of his entire adult life, he chooses his best memory from when they were seventeen?

“I don’t know what it was,” he continues. “But that night was just pure fun. Relaxed. I don’t know…sort of magical. No pun intended.”

_The most magical place on earth_ , she mutters to herself and rolls her eyes in laughter. It still doesn’t make sense to her that _that_ was the last time he truly enjoyed himself on New Year’s Eve. She thinks back and remembers… _oh._ Of course. That was the first night she’d caught on to something between he and Karen. No wonder the night was magical for him. He was in love and hadn’t even known it yet.

Alex thinks for a beat, tapping her finger on her lips. She types out something to him only to erase it right away. She rubs her temples as she stares at the screen. She types out her question again and quickly hits send before she has a chance to retract it.

“Can I ask you what ever really happened between you and Karen?”

She quickly follows up with more. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to…please know that.”

Truthfully, part of her is desperate to hear the story once and for all…and the other part of her has no desire to hear about it. She knows that he fell hard, fell fast, and was destroyed by the end. Knowing the sordid details could stick the knife even further into her heart. Logically though, Alex knows it’s in the past and hopefully, by this time is just a story. She hasn’t spoken to Karen in years but heard through others that she’s now married, with 2 children, living in Chicago. What was left between her and Matt long ago was over and done with. But Alex is afraid…and knows from experience…that the scars still run deeper than he lets on.

“Sure I have no problem telling you, Kingston. Want me to start from the beginning?”

And so he does.

* * *

 

After Alex told Matt her plans to leave for New York, they grew further and further apart. They still walked in the same circles. They made conversation. They even laughed. But Alex felt herself pulling away because the pain was too much. Seeing him every day, knowing what she had given up and knowing she could never again have it back was an agony even she couldn’t bear the weight of. Nevertheless, _because_ they were in the same circle, she heard and bore witness to everything that transpired between Matt and Karen.

Karen had not-so-gently informed Matt of her plans to go to the senior formal with Chris instead of him. To her credit, she wasn’t in the business of smashing hearts and hadn’t intended that with Matt. But subtlety was not her strength, and despite her intentions, wound up doing just that. The animosity that grew out of Matt was something he had never felt before nor had anyone seen out of him before. Something so refreshing and splendid had suddenly turned sour and it created a pit of fire in Matt’s stomach. He liked Karen… _a lot_ and thought the feeling was mutual. But for her to shut him down and flaunt someone else like that turned him inside out. The worst part was he had no one to talk to about it. His male friends could care less about girl problems and his only close friend that would’ve cared at one point now seemed a million miles away. Alex. _What happened to us?_

The tension mounted and threatened to splinter the entire group of friends apart. Matt noticed Alex distancing herself from the situation and from everyone. She spent more and more time with her other friends, growing closer to them. He knew she and Karen were close friends and knew they had to have talked about this. But every time he tried, he couldn’t muster up the strength to talk to Alex about it. It didn’t appear that Alex was taking sides, rather she just wanted everyone to remain happy. More than anything she played referee. One afternoon she said to him very plainly, “Look, you two are my best friends. We’re about to graduate which means I’ll be close to leaving. And I’ll be damned if I leave with our circle of friends in shambles. I don’t condone what happened and to be honest what Karen did, quite frankly, was shit. But are you going to let that define you? Hang over your head? And for how long? You both deserve better than that.”

Matt had taken her words to heart and made the decision that only he could change his attitude. He could choose to be angry or he could choose to move on. Or at least try to move on.

The remainder of the school year closed out. Summer came and went too quickly. Alex still kept her distance but not nearly as much. They all spent the summer enjoying each other’s company, having fun, creating memories. And suddenly, one day, it was her time to go. Matt realized he’d been pushing the thought from his mind that she’d actually be leaving. The thought of her being gone just…emptied him. On her last night in town, Alex had everyone over to her house and, as the night wound down and friends filtered out, only the two of them remained standing in her driveway. Matt chuckled a bit.

“What’s so funny?” Alex asked him.

“Oh, you know…you and me, standing in your driveway. Just like old times. Only a year ago seems like a lifetime ago.”

“Matt…I hope you know…and if you don’t, I _want_ you to know…how very sorry I am for how that all ended. Well, for all of it really.”

He nodded. “I appreciate that, Kingston. Really I do. But you know something I’ve realized?”

She looked at him expectantly as he continued. “And before you think I’ve gone and gotten all grown up, I actually got this from a movie,” he laughed. “But it’s so true. When bad things happen in relationships, it seems like there’s always one side to blame. But it’s only _half_ that person’s fault, because the other half…me…had done everything to convince them that they were exactly what they…you…wanted. You understand?”

She didn’t say anything but Matt saw her eyes water and watched her swallow heavily. He hoped she understood what he was trying to say. It was forgiveness. It was an olive branch. It was closure. Finally she nodded and moved into him, wrapping her arms around his neck and resting her chin on his shoulder. “I’ll miss you, so much,” she choked out. All he could do was hold her and whisper “me too, Kingston,” in reply. They stood there, not moving, for what seemed like ages. He shifted back and released her grasp, staring into her eyes. “Have a safe trip, and don’t lose touch. Promise?”

“Promise.”

She’d meant it, and she tried. The first year in New York was terrible for her. She didn’t know anyone and wasn’t exactly the outgoing type. Here she was, in the biggest and most diverse city, and Alex felt like she didn’t fit in. Though she wasn’t exactly homesick, she craved the comfort of familiarity. She tried desperately to stay in touch with as many of her close friends as she could and at first, everyone seemed similarly eager. But as the months wore on, the conversations became less, and Alex felt her entire world slipping away. Matt had all but disappeared into oblivion and she couldn’t make sense of that at all.

One night she rung David and he, as always, was happy and keen to talk to her. Having also stayed in LA, he updated her on everyone’s status and latest news.

“Thanks for the update. I’ve tried to keep up with everyone, but it seems like lately no one is particularly interested in talking to me.” She knew she was feeling sorry for herself but didn’t really care at that moment.

David sighed. “Lex, you can’t look at it like that. Everyone is just…busy, you know? And moving on with their lives. As you should be doing. I mean, after all, you are the one that decided to leave for bigger and better things, remember? So go out there and experience it. We can’t try to keep things the way that they were. It doesn’t mean that you’re forgotten. It just means that life keeps moving forward and you’ve got to go with it.”

Alex remained silent for a moment. She knew deep down that every single word David said was true. She’d never be able to live her life completely if she kept one foot over the fence. But she struggled to make that last final push…because what if there was no turning back after that?

“I know,” she finally spoke. “And you’re right. It’s just…hard. Harder than I thought it would be.” After a few seconds, she asks quietly, “What about Matt?”

“God, no one has really heard much from that boy since he and Karen got together. But I did see them the other day, and they look pretty happy.”

Alex was sure she hadn’t heard him right. “What do you mean since he and Karen got together?”

“You know, together. Dating. The whole bit.”

She felt like the wind had been knocked out of her body repeatedly. Shock couldn’t begin to cover the feelings taking place within her. From within the shock rose anger. Boiled over, uncontrollable, inexplicable anger. “Since when did they start dating?” she spit out.

“Uhh…” David said uncomfortably. “It’s been nearly six months. You’re telling me you didn’t know?”

She seethed. “No, why would I know? It’s only my two best friends dating each other, why in the world would they or anyone think to tell me?” Her voice dripped with sarcasm.

“Look Alex, don’t do that. I know what he meant to you. I saw it in your face every day. But remember what I just said. People are moving on, experiencing life in their own ways. Maybe you should do the same.”

Still angry, but knowingly not at David, Alex tempered a bit. “Thank you. I appreciate your advice…and your friendship.”

They hung up, and Alex immediately began to dial Matt’s number. She wanted to yell at him, tell him how unbelievable it was that he hadn’t told her. Scream to him how stupid he’s being. Tell him that she’s only going to break his heart _again._ She had her arsenal ready to fire when suddenly she stopped. David was right. It wouldn’t solve anything. It wouldn’t help anything. And, just maybe, she was wrong. After all, she had let him go. She didn't get up the nerve to tell him how she really felt. If he could find happiness in someone else, she had to let him try. She hung up the phone and with her back against the wall, slid down to just a heap on the floor. So many thoughts pounded through her head she couldn’t see straight. Yet the words she kept hearing the most echoed from her conversation with David.

_Time to move on. Time to let go._

* * *

“So,” Matt continues, “after the first year she sort of dumped me, which I later came to find out was again, because of Chris. We were on and off for months after that, because she couldn’t really make up her mind.” Alex knows that part and shakes her head with an invisible _I told you so_ before he continues. “When I finally told her I was done being her pawn, she got real apologetic and told me she was scared and whatnot. Then told me it was really me she wanted. So we had another go for close to another year and it started to get really serious really fast. She kept trying to nudge me in a certain direction of life which I didn’t take very kindly to. In the end, she wanted marriage and babies and a suburban sort of life, which was totally different from what I wanted. So we went our separate ways. Six months later she’s engaged to some guy and moving to Chicago. So, she got what she wanted and I’m happy for her.”

“But what about you?” Alex asks. He's very good at putting on a show of his feelings and she doubts he's telling her the entire truth.

“What about me? I mean, it was hard to let her go, yeah. I had really strong feelings and I wanted it to work out. But it happens. People discover they want different things. Doesn’t make them a bad person. So even if it hurts, you do what you have to do. I’d rather that than be stuck in a marriage I don’t want with children I don’t want and have it be too late.”

Alex nods in understanding just as something else catches her eye. After several minutes, Matt messages her. “Did I bore to you death, Kingston?”

“No, no, not at all. I’m sorry I was distracted by something. Well I’m not sure whether to say ‘sorry it didn’t work out’ or ‘congratulations it didn’t work out’ with you two. If you both are happy with how your lives have turned out, that’s all that matters. And thank you…for being so candid with me about it."

“No problem. And I don’t know about her but I’ve heard she’s happy. And I’m pretty happy with my life, so it all worked out in the end.”

Another several minutes pass without Alex’s response. “What’s got you so distracted, Kingston?”

“Well…” she types out, debating whether or not to say anything. She decides to continue. “I’ve just been invited for a job interview and I’m a bit nervous and excited at the same time.”

“That’s great! Where at?”

Alex nervously chews on her lip. “Los Angeles.”


	10. I Find it Kind of Sad

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She leaves him breathless. Standing there holding the door open, words escape him and he instead finds himself displaying a ridiculous grin, gazing at her. Seeing her photograph was entirely different than seeing her in person. The brightness of her eyes. The glow of her skin. The shape and curve of her body.

Alex makes her arrangements for her interview. She only has time to visit for one day, and they are flying her in the night prior to the interview. Begrudgingly, she decides to stay the night at her parent’s house rather than a hotel. It’s been a few years since she’s seen them and thinks it only fair. Matt insists they get together for at least a quick drink the night she flies into town. She agrees. Even though she has a very quick and limited schedule, she has to see him. The buildup has been torture. Even if just for a night, an hour…getting to see his face again right now seems like the greatest gift.

After her plane touches down and she spends some time with her parents, she calls Matt. He gives her his address and tells her just to come to his place so they can decide from there where to go. As she’s driving her mind races. She can’t believe after all this time she finally gets to see him. To look into his eyes again. To see his smile again. She subconsciously shakes her head. _Get it together, Alex._ She’s been preparing herself to keep calm and not get overexcited. They are just friends after all, and she doesn’t want to come off as over-eager. Although inside, she is a pile of nerves. A part of her is relieved she doesn’t have much time in case things don’t go well. That way she has an out. Something she learned over the years is always give yourself an exit plan. She makes mental notes about easy topics to bring up in case there is uncomfortable silence.

As Alex files through the topics in her head – the weather, the flight, LA traffic – she cocks her head and turns the volume up slightly on her car radio. _You’ve got to be kidding me,_ she thought.

It was _the_ song. _Their_ song. From fifteen years ago.

The stupid song that always used to play on the radio every time they seemed to be together. It wasn’t even a love song, but rather a silly song called Closing Time with catchy lyrics and a pop melody. Matt had dubbed it “their” song after about the tenth time of hearing it in the car together that one fateful summer. In her youthful foolishness she called him ridiculous and disregarded it as just a popular, new song that was _always_ on the radio. But now, and every time she’s heard it since, she smiles fondly, always thinking of him and remembering the thoughtfulness behind it. How fitting and a bit of a cruel twist of fate that it begins to play as she’s on her way to see him again. She can do nothing but laugh and turn up the volume.

As she pulls up to the address she is awed. The building he lives in is beachfront and adjacent to the marina. She immediately envisions herself here, watching the boats come in and out of the dock, imagining how peaceful and serene it would feel. A place like this doesn’t come cheap, she knows. He must have done quite well for himself. She parks and enters the building, her insides feeling more like mush with every step she takes. She hates that she feels this nervous, but nothing she tells herself helps. Her heart beats erratically, her palms are soaked with sweat. She gives herself a quick once-over in the mirror. She shrugs.  _It'll do._ _You can do this. It’s Matt for crying out loud._ With final steps, she approaches his door and stands there for a few seconds before being able to move. She slowly brings her hand up and knocks, waiting.

* * *

Before she even got to the door Matt has it open, waiting. _Idiot,_ he thinks to himself. That looks too eager. So he shuts the door and begins pacing. He knows she’s here, he watched her arrive from his window. Ever since he knew she was on her way he has wanted to jump out of his skin. It’s been so long…too long, and he’s dying to see her. He came off very cool about it all when they spoke previously about meeting up. Even though he insisted, he tried to backpedal a bit and stay casual about it. And now that she is here, after so long, he can’t keep it together. His palms are sweating and he furiously wipes them against his pants in frustration. _What the hell is taking her so long?_ And then, he hears the knock.

Matt turns on his heels, straightens his shoulders and approaches the door.

She leaves him breathless. Standing there holding the door open, words escape him and he instead finds himself displaying a ridiculous grin, gazing at her. Seeing her photograph was entirely different than seeing her in person. The brightness of her eyes. The glow of her skin. The shape and curve of her body. It was all intoxicating and he just stands there, drinking her in. Before it gets entirely too awkward, Matt gestures wildly at Alex to enter. “Kingstonator! Come in, come in!”

Alex steps past Matt into his flat and as she turns back around to greet him, she catches him ogling her backside out of the corner of his eye while shutting the door. She smiles brightly, not knowing what else to say, and simply says “Hi!”

He takes a few steps toward her, and echoes her greeting as he reaches down to wrap his arms around her waist in a hug. She returns the welcome hug with her arms held tightly across his shoulders, letting the feel of him holding her wash over her entire being. She’d waited entirely too long for this and there is no way she’ll be the first to let go. She closes her eyes and breathes in the scent of him. It’s entirely enough to make her come undone right then and there. A decade’s worth of longing, love and despair finally quenched by his touch. He breaks the embrace first and Alex coolly acts in stride. Matt holds his arms out to his sides motioning to the space around him. “Well, welcome to my humble abode!”

Alex scoffs inwardly. Humble is hardly accurate. It isn’t outlandish by any means, but rather expansive, open and airy. It’s a loft with inconceivably high ceilings, dark concrete stained floors, with a very industrial feel to it. The interior is designed very simply and purposefully. Black, white, grey. Metal. No color to speak of really. Clean lines and an intensely modern feel to it. It is beautiful in a way Alex can appreciate even if her taste includes a bit more…color. It is…perfectly him. She walks further into the large living area and her eyes are immediately captivated by an entire wall of floor to ceiling windows that provides the most spectacular view of the ocean she’s ever seen. “Matt,” she whispers in awe. “This place is incredible.”

He watches her soak in the surroundings, and while she’s enchanted with the view of the ocean, he is enchanted with the view of _her._ “Those shoes are what’s incredible, Kingston.” Ruby red patent leather stilettos frame her feet and he traces her bare legs up to the hem of her skirt. She turns and lifts and eyebrow in his direction.

“Like what you see then?”

“It would be inhuman not to, Kingston.” And just like that, the flirting commences.

“All the better to tease you with, my dear,” she draws out slowly.

Matt lets out a hearty laugh and wide smile. He steps toward her slowly, purposefully. “Something you’ve grown quite good at, I might add.” He stops about a foot in front of her. His proximity is heightening her every sense.

She looks into his eyes, trying to steady her voice as her breath hitches in her throat. “I haven’t heard any complaints.”

This time his smile is a bit more sly and he raises his hand to lightly bop her nose with his finger and position his face mere inches from hers. “Not complaining,” he breathes out, and in an instant cold air hits her again as he moves past her into the kitchen area. She takes a deep breath, trying to get herself under control. Luckily he begins speaking again and she’s distracted enough to regain her bearings.

“So, I know you’ve got an early morning tomorrow so what do you say we just stay in for a few drinks?” he asks.

“Sounds perfect.” she answers.

The sun begins to set before them as they settle into talking. They find no lull in conversation which surprises both of them, considering the vast amount of topics they’ve covered by talking for the past several months. It’s comfortable and both have a sense of ease and calm when speaking to each other. The playful banter and flirting weaves its way in and out, keeping the atmosphere light and offering a relaxed levity. Hours pass and darkness settles in, and Matt rises to refresh their drinks. “So, tell me about this job Kingston.”

“Well, the job itself is nothing fancy. It’s an office administrator job… _but_ …it’s for a theater company out here, and it could be my foot in the door for writing and acting, both of which I’m dying to do more of. With my experience over the years being in office work, I have the qualifications for the job itself, plus I think they like the fact that I’ve stayed off and on in theater, so I know the industry.”

Matt returns with drinks in hand and resumes his spot on the sofa. “So it appears like you could be a shoe-in Kingston. It sounds like a brilliant opportunity for you.”

Alex accepts the glass and takes a sip before responding. “I don’t know about the shoe-in part. But yes, a fantastic opportunity. It combines everything I love and am capable of doing. Who knows? We’ll see if it’s meant to be,” she offers with an insecure smile.

“I do have one question though,” Matt asks innocently. “What about New York? I mean, once upon a time that was your dream, Kingston. You really want to leave all that behind to come back here?”

She worries her bottom lip slightly as she thinks about her answer. She cocks her head slightly to the side. “It was my dream, you’re right. And I’m glad I did it, because I would have hated to regret not trying. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love the city. But I didn’t really have much luck there, and having lived out of the city for a while now, it’s just…different. I think I’m ready to make a life change, you know? Keep moving forward. I’ll always love New York and if it works out I’d still love to visit frequently. But sometimes…change is in order. Fresh start. Fresh perspective.” She casts her eyes downward and stares a hole through the bottom of her glass. Matt can tell her mind is working overtime and he wonders about all the thoughts occurring in that beautiful mind of hers.

He’s about to ask if there’s more when she seemingly flips a switch and plasters on a smile. “I tell you what,” she begins as she downs the rest of her drink and stands up. “There’s one thing I’ve missed more than anything, being away for so long.”

Matt gulps, but plays to their banter and cocks an eyebrow at her. He rises as well and walks toward her. “Oh yeah?” He corners her between the counter and himself. “What’s that?” he murmurs, reaching an arm behind her to place his empty glass on the counter. He deposits the glass but doesn’t move an inch. Alex gazes into his eyes and swears to herself she could get lost in those eyes forever.

“The ocean,” she whispers deliberately, “at night.” She quickly ducks under his arm and walks toward his patio area. “Can we get down to the beach from here?”

Matt stands stuck in the same position she left him in because he’s afraid to budge an inch. Collecting himself, he runs a hand over his face and around the back of his head. “Uhh, yeah, sure we can. Right through those doors, there’s steps that’ll take you right down to the sand.”

Before he could get the final words out of his mouth she’s out the door and halfway down. He smirks and shortly follows her. By the time he reaches her, she’s just out of reach of the water’s edge and comfortably sitting with legs extended, shoes resting by her side and toes digging into the cool sand. He looks down and admires how her skirt has gathered higher up and revealed her toned legs. Unaware of what else to do, he gathers his feet underneath him and sits down next to her. “All better, Kingston?”

She turns her head to him and smiles. “Very refreshed.” The moonlight combs over her face, softening her every feature. She looked positively radiant, Matt thought to himself. _This is where you belong, Alex._

“I know I’ve said it several times already but this is incredible, Matt. Watching the boats come in and out of the marina, being able to come out here whenever your heart desires…” she began nodding her head furiously. “Yep, it’s decided. This is definitely my new favorite place. Right here. This very spot.”

Matt laughs affectionately, catching a glimpse of the free spirit he used to know so well. They both stare into the depths of the invisible horizon for a long while, enjoying both the silence and the company they share. Breaking the silence, Alex speaks first. “There’s a beauty in the darkness, don’t you think? The instinctive strength of the waves coupled with the pale light of the moon’s reflection. Even in the dark, you know it’s out there, it’s endless…but in the dark it’s so much more calming. I don’t know, maybe it’s something about the solitude. You can be out here, all by yourself, in the dark – it’s almost like you can wash away your fears, your secrets, your pain. Nobody else has to know. It’s just between you, the moon, and the sea.”

He watches her carefully and can see behind her eyes that there is so much more to say, but she’s guarded. Wanting to keep the mood light he tries to crack a joke. “Went away to the big city and became a poet, did we Kingston?”

Eyes still straight forward, Alex snickers dryly and slowly blinks herself back to reality. She had gotten so lost in the moment and forgot that Matt is not a fan of heavy emotional subtext. She steadies herself to stand up. “I should go. Big day tomorrow.” They walk back toward his flat. “Thank you Matt,” she says tenderly as they continue walking. “For taking the time. It’s really great getting to see you again. I enjoyed it.” They stop at the foot of the stairs and he turns to face her.

“Yeah, me too. Good luck tomorrow, you’ll be great. And call me when it’s over or when you get back home and let me know how it went, okay?”

She teasingly gives him a salute. “Will do. One more hug for good luck?” He grabs her by the waist again and this time lifts her up and gives her a little twirl. She laughs pleasurably and as he places her feet back on the ground, they both realize they’re smiling and blushing a little more than they ought to be. Matt gestures her back up the steps and into his flat, and a few minutes later he shuts the door behind her. In the chill of the night he discovers a warmth that fills his entire body and soul. It’s warmth he hasn’t felt in a very long time and it is slightly unnerving. He’s gotten so used to keeping his emotions at bay that he has no clue what to do with what he’s feeling. _Out of all the women,_ he thinks. _She pops back in and I’m like a bloody teenager again._ He smiles thinking back on the things that have changed in her and the small quirks she doesn’t even realize she still has. The way she bites her bottom lip. How she talks using her hands. How her nose wrinkles both when she's frustrated and happy. He can’t stop thinking about her and _every part_ of her and tries to think of something to distract himself. It’s been over a _decade_. He can’t go down this road again. Not with her. It hurt too much the first time around, even if they were young. He grabs a remote from the side table and flicks on the power to his stereo hoping music will drown out his thoughts. He hears the familiar melody and hangs his head, laughing as he flops down on the sofa.

“Of course.” He says out loud.

Closing Time. It was their song.


	11. The Dreams in which I'm Dying are the Best I Ever Had

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aside from the knowingly stupid grin he constantly has on his face when he is around her, he wonders if there’s more. All these years, with her gone, he’d just…adapted. Went on with life. Created a whole successful, adult life. He thought about her from time to time and always enjoyed when they’d manage to get in contact, even though it never lasted any length of time. But this go around seems different. Now they’re both truly making the effort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back from a bit of a hiatus...sorry for the delay! Hope I didn't totally lose you guys :) Thank you for continuing to read!

“I got the job!!”

Matt, barely awake, signs on to his computer and immediately gets her message. It’s been a week since she was in town for the interview, and though they’ve exchanged a couple ‘hellos’ and ‘how are you’s’, they have both been busy and seem to keep missing the chance to really talk with each other. He never got the chance to ask her how she felt the interview went, but seeing her message tells him it obviously went perfectly.

“Well congratulations, Kingstonator!” he writes back. “Knew you could do it. So what’s your plan now?”

She writes back within seconds. “Honestly I’m a bit overwhelmed. This all happened so quickly. The good news is that I have a bit of time. They don’t need me to start for about two months so I have some time to find a place, get settled in a bit. Plus it’ll allow me to sort some things out over here before I leave.”

“Sounds reasonable. So when are you going to come house hunting?”

“I’d like to do it sooner rather than later. I’m thinking perhaps week after next.”

Sipping his coffee and becoming more alert by the minute, Matt realizes what this means. In two months Alex… _his_ Alex, will not only be living in the same state as he, but in the same city. Their online chats and text messages might give way to getting together _in person_ and spending more time with her. Getting back in touch with her and _staying_ in touch with her has made him realize just how much he missed her. What he wouldn’t give to be able to spend real, actual time with her. And now he has his chance. He wonders to himself what it all means and quickly his head is in a fog. Why is he so eager to be with her more? Aside from the knowingly stupid grin he constantly has on his face when he is around her, he wonders if there’s more. All these years, with her gone, he’d just…adapted. Went on with life. Created a whole successful, adult life. He thought about her from time to time and always enjoyed when they’d manage to get in contact, even though it never lasted any length of time. But this go around seems different. Now they’re both truly making the effort.

Matt shakes his head in an effort to gain clarity. This is what used to happen and he can’t allow himself to go there. He used to always jump ahead, analyzing and dissecting situations before they even happened. Especially when it came to Alex…he always visualized something that just wasn’t there. And he always wound up hurt in the end because of it. He learned a long time ago not to wear his heart on his sleeve for Alex. She never meant to hurt him, he knew that. But it seemed inevitable with her. She’d broken his heart twice now. Once when she couldn’t return his affections and the second time when she left for New York. Yes, it was a lifetime ago. They were kids. Yet between Alex and all the other failed attempts at relationships in his life, Matt naturally grew a thick skin and even thicker wall built around his heart. He’s never been closed off to the idea of dating or relationships, but could never make a serious commitment to anyone. And honestly, there was no one that ever struck him to _want_ to make that kind of commitment.

Except her.

And there he goes again. Jumping ahead for no reason at all. He realizes how crazy he is thinking that their relationship is going to be anything other than friendship. He laughs quietly to himself at his own ridiculousness. Finally after several minutes, he writes her back.

“I’m sure your parents will be happy to have you back so soon.”

“Oh there’s no way I’m staying with them while I’m out there,” she replies.

“Why not?”

“Come on, Matt. I mean I love them, but you know how demanding of my time they can be. Plus with them living in the valley, they’re nowhere near close to the areas I want to be looking in. I really prefer not to make that drive every day I’m there.”

“Understandable.”

“I think I’ll just find a motel of some sort while I’m there. It will be much easier that way.”

Matt thinks for a moment and before he realizes it, his fingers are moving faster than his brain can think. “Nonsense! Just stay with me, Kingston.” He swallows hard, realizing what he’s just done.

“I appreciate that very much, darling but I couldn’t impose like that. Thank you for the offer, though.”

“It’s not an imposition, Alex. I’m serious. I have _the_ most comfortable sofa, if you remember. Plus, you know, I can help you sort out neighborhoods and whatnot. You know…help you look. If you want.” He quickly adds that last part.  _Christ_ , he thinks. Now he just sounds desperate.

“Well, you are right about your sofa. If you’re sure it’s alright, I’d love to take you up on that. I’ll need to save every penny I can.”

Matt feels his cheeks flush and a smile touch his ears. “Fantastic! It’ll be great. I’ll show you all the local hotspots to eat and we’ll find you a great place to live, trust me.”

“I always trust you Matt.”

* * *

Two weeks later, Alex slumps down on Matt’s sofa exhausted from a day of apartment hunting. “God and I thought New York was bad,” she laments. “Everything here is either way out of my price range or just a box with a door on it.”

“Don’t worry, it’s only been a few days. Something will reveal itself when the time is right.” Matt says, trying to make her feel better. He sits next to her on the sofa and pats his upper thighs. “Come on now,” he gestures. “Put your feet up, relax a little.”

Alex slips her feet out of her shoes and eagerly agrees to his offer. She stretches her legs out across his lap and moans as he begins massaging the bottom of her feet. She drops her head lightly against the back of the sofa, closing her eyes and relishing the feel of his hands on her.

Matt nearly jumps out of his skin when he hears her moan. He presses just a bit harder with his hands, trying to elicit more of those sounds from her mouth.  As he continues to rub, a thought crosses his mind. “You know,” he begins. “I’ve got a friend that’s leaving the country for an extended vacation. He might be interested in leasing his place. Nice view, not too far from me. I mean _here_. Not too far from here.” He corrects himself.

She opens her eyes, head still leaning against the back of the sofa, and smirks. “A friend of yours…leaving the country to vacation…and _thinking_ about subletting his place. Sounds expensive,” she sighs.

“Not necessarily. He owns the place. He’d probably give you a good deal, knowing you’re a friend of mine.”

Alex stiffens and removes her feet from his lap, righting her position and distancing herself from Matt.

“What, what’s wrong?” he asks.

Her eyes flutter closed and she shakes her head slightly. “I don’t need any favors from you, Matt. I appreciate the offer, please understand. But I don’t want to start my time here feeling like I _owe_ anyone. I need to do this on my own.” She turns her head to him and stares into his eyes earnestly, trying to make him understand.

He nods. “Yeah, I get that Kingston. And I admire you for it.” He gently scoots closer to her, still keeping a safe distance. “But it’s not a favor and you wouldn’t owe me or anyone _anything_. It’s just a friend looking out for another friend.” She nods in understanding and smiles slightly.   
  
“Thanks, Matt.”

“Just keep it tucked away in the back of your mind, in case…y’know…as a last resort, yeah?” Alex nods reluctantly in agreement.  Matt continues. “Tell you what. Why don’t you go get comfortable, we’ll order pizza and watch a movie. Unwind a little.”

Alex visibly relaxes and nods in agreement. As she steps around him to head to the bathroom Matt watches her go and lets out a long, exasperated sigh once she’s out of earshot. He slumps into the sofa and rakes his hands over his face. She’s been here three days and it is driving him mad. They are so ridiculously compatible. He’s laughed more in the last three days than in the last ten years. Even when they argue they wind up laughing and, inevitably, flirting. He finds himself rediscovering her all over again. Little nuances, like the way she curls her fingers around her hair when she’s concentrating on something. The way she bites her lip when she’s nervous or unsure. Her drive. Her determination. So much of her he already knew and yet it feels like a gift, getting to know this second version of her. He lies in bed every night, knowing she’s just a room away and itching to go to her. The little outfit she wears to sleep in certainly doesn’t help his thoughts remain decent. But he knows he can’t. Can’t risk it. Not only for himself now, but for her as well. She’s so intent on starting over here and being successful, in the end he knows she needs him for moral support and friendship. And it has to stay that way.

She comes back out into the living room wearing a tiny pair of shorts and camisole, completely oblivious to the effect it has on him. Matt grabs a pillow and places it over his lap, just in time for her to sit down and extend her legs back across him. He swallows hard and forces a smile her way.

Here’s to another long night.

* * *

The movie ends and Alex tries to stifle a yawn. Matt notices and chuckles softly. “Come on then, bedtime for you. I’d say you need your beauty sleep but it seems you’ve got that covered.” He winks at her and stands, extending his arms down to her to help her up. She grabs his hands as he lifts her off the sofa and they both arrange her blankets and pillows. Alex sees his gaze shift back and forth between the task at hand and her chest. Funny how he thinks she doesn’t notice, and she allows a small smile to form on her lips.

They finish her makeshift bed and stand facing each other. Alex is the first to speak.

“Well then.”

“Well then,” he echoes. They shift in awkward silence for just a moment. “Have a good night, Alex.”

She steps forward and wraps her arms around his neck, hugging him tightly. She’s noticed lately that he only calls her by her first name in the softer, quieter moments between them. Normally it’s “Kingston” this, or “Kingstonator” that. But it’s almost like his silent code. Calling her by her first name is like him letting his guard down. Matt returns her body language, placing his arms around her back, head resting in the crook of her neck. They stand like that for several minutes, feeling each other’s breathing patterns through the beat of their hearts. Matt chuckles lightly, breaking the silence. Alex pulls back and their physical contact breaks.

“What’s funny?” she asks timidly.

“Not funny, really,” he says mildly. “Just remembering. Feels like your driveway all over again.”

Alex looks down and chews on her lip subconsciously. She looks up again but can’t meet his eyes, her focus instead squarely in the center of his chest. Her right hand reaches up to the sleeve of his shirt and she plays with the stitching of it nervously.

“Right,” she whispers. “Except it’s not fifteen years ago and it’s not my driveway. Besides,” she shakes her head. “I’d have done things a lot differently if I had the chance.” She still plays with the hem of his shirt and can’t look him in the face. Her heart is beating rapidly out of her chest and she doesn’t know what she was thinking by saying any of this, but it all just blurted out of her mouth. She knew his next question before he even said it, and was trying to think of how she’d respond without sticking her foot further into her mouth than it already was.

“How so?” he barely breathes out.

She finally stops fidgeting and lifts her head to look at him. She searches his eyes for…what? An answer? Permission? Something in her head finally just snaps and she grabs his shirt, pulling him toward her while standing on her toes to meet his lips with her own.   
  
It takes a moment to register to Matt what is actually happening but with the feel of her kissing him, within seconds his arms wrap back around her closing any possible distance between them. He takes over and a sense of urgency overwhelms him. His mouth opens and he slides his tongue along hers. At once his hands are everywhere, roaming her body and setting fire to her skin. He can’t get enough of the feel of her against him. He walks them backwards a few steps until her legs hit the sofa and he lowers her to it, his mouth never leaving hers. She lies back and he is on top of her, his growing erection pressing into her thigh and his mouth devouring her neck. His tongue traces a trail up to her ear and she feels his hot breath whisper to her, “I want you so much.” Alex shivers with desire. Her hands lift the bottom of his shirt up over his head and they wander over the bare skin of his back. Her hips rise to meet his as she is overwhelmed with the feel of him on top of her and quietly begs for more.

He sits up briefly, straddling her, to divulge of her top before returning to ravish her with his tongue. He licks at the spot where her collarbone meets her neck and she whimpers slightly. He smiles to himself, mentally making note of her choice sensitive areas.  He palms her breast and returns his mouth to hers, entangling their tongues, yearning to satisfy an unspoken craving burning inside him. Her hands rake through his hair and again she bucks her hips, rubbing herself against his cock. “Enough foreplay,” she rakes out in ragged breath. “I want you, now.”

With a beat his eyes focus on hers for a moment before he stands up, unbuttoning his pants and divesting himself of his underwear. He reaches to her shorts and slides them down her legs and off her feet. He stands over her, soaking in the sight of her and notices how she tries to cover herself with her arms. He leans down, kneeling in front of her. Slowly he removes one arm at a time so she is entirely exposed to him. He looks deep into her eyes. “You’re breathtakingly beautiful, Alex. I’ve always thought so. Even more so like this,” he says in a low throaty voice. Her eyes become glassy with unshed tears that he doesn’t even notice because he’s back on top of her, settling himself between her legs. He kisses her softly, tongue gently probing against hers. All at once he enters her, a moan escaping her lips that she cannot suppress. At first he moves slowly within her, eyes boring into hers, each stroke deliberate and purposeful.

As he begins to increase his pace her hands grab his ass, urging him to go faster and harder. They exchange wet, sloppy kisses before he gives up and moves his mouth to her neck, sucking hungrily as he pounds into her with reckless abandon. Alex cries out in pleasure and as he brings his hand between them to rub her clit she nearly comes apart as orgasms wash over her. She notices his breathing becoming more erratic and he pumps faster and faster until he screams her name and falls in a heap on top of her. As their breathing slows, Matt stays on top of her though now shifts his weight to his own arms. He stares into her eyes, as if trying to read her and tell her how he feels all at the same time. Words escape him and instead, a slow smile overcomes his face. She returns the smile with a slight giggle and immediately the intensity of the moment has come and gone, replaced with light hearted laughter on both their parts. Matt bends down to kiss her forehead and continues with gentle kisses to her temple, her nose, her cheek, and finally, a soft kiss to her lips. He pulls out of her but his touch doesn’t leave her as he rolls behind her and wraps a long arm around her middle, clutching her to him as if he’ll never let go. They lie in silence, legs entwined and fingers interlaced with each other, and fall asleep in complete bliss.


	12. I Find it Hard to Tell You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex knows at some point the awkwardness will rear its ugly face. But for now, she’s just enjoying living in the moment. They’re friends. They’re lovers. She doesn’t know what’s to come and she’s not entirely sure she wants to find out. But the shiver that reverberates down her spine when he touches her or even looks at her is enough to make her feel whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay...this is the coup d'etat of chapters. I've had this one brewing for awhile. Please be kind :)

“Just take the apartment, Alex,” Matt sighs. “You’re only here for one more day and nothing else we’ve looked at has fit your needs,” he urges.

Alex glances around the expansive flat that surrounds her and finds herself inwardly tormented. It’s truly magnificent – large, bright windows, a perfectly modern kitchen, and the view is to die for. It’s the perfect size for her, not overly large, and not quite a hole-in-the-wall like the other places she’s visited this week. Yet she can’t shake the feeling that she’ll be starting off her new life with a favor, especially from someone she doesn’t even know.

“I thought you said your friend wasn’t leaving until next week. How come he’s not here to discuss the terms of the lease? That is, of course, providing I decide to take it.”

“He decided to leave earlier and add Spain to his grand vacation. No need to worry though, he entrusted me to discuss the details with you. And…” he sidles up to her, nuzzling her neck. “You should take it,” he whispers lowly into her ear, leaving a trail of kisses down to her collarbone as he speaks. Alex moans and drops her head back onto his shoulder, exposing her neck more openly and silently inviting more of his ample attention. “You know you’re not going to find another place like this.” He continues, darting his tongue out and tasting her skin. He pulls back suddenly and she immediately feels the loss of his touch, but he turns her by the shoulders to face him and pulls her toward him. “And I _promise_ you, Kingston. This is not a favor, and you won’t owe anyone anything. It’s simply a friend helping a friend. Just consider it serendipity or…just a really great bargain.” He laughs and she visibly relaxes, managing to let out a small laugh of her own.

“Besides,” he continues as he raises her arms up around the back of his neck and wraps his around her waist. “The sooner you accept, the more time we can spend on _far_ more important activities.” He leers at her, eyes dark and his intent clearly visible. She arches an eyebrow playfully, feeling her insides melt like butter. Those eyes, and his voice. The way he’s looking at her and the feel of his intimate touch sets her afire. Never could she have imagined she’d ever actually feel this way with him. Their timing had never been right before. They’ve spent the last five days together not able to keep their hands off each other. There’s been no awkward conversation, no attempt to define what’s happening between the two of them. Alex knows at some point the awkwardness will rear its ugly face. But for now, she’s just enjoying living in the moment. They’re friends. They’re lovers. She doesn’t know what’s to come and she’s not entirely sure she wants to find out. But the shiver that reverberates down her spine when he touches her or even looks at her is enough to make her feel whole. Combined with the potential of her new living space, Alex thinks that just perhaps, her luck is starting to change. Perhaps this new direction life is leading her in is one filled with good fortune.

“I would rather like to spend my last night here on the more important activities,” she purrs. She places a quick kiss to his lips and looks around the apartment once more. “And honestly, I love everything about this place.”

“Then say yes,” he smiles brightly. “Besides. You can sign a lease for a year. Get settled in, get familiar with the area. Then if you still feel that strongly I’ll help you look for a place more your own. But at least you’ll have more time, and a place to lay your head in the meantime. And an extra special added benefit, of course, is that my place is only minutes away.”

Alex cocks her head in thought. Temporary. She can work with that. Close to Matt? She can most definitely work with that.

“Okay,” she beams. “One year. Tell your friend he’s got himself a new tenant.”

Matt claps his hands and twirls. “Brilliant!” He grabs her by the waist and lifts her in the air, spinning her around. Her laughter fills the room and he sets her down, planting a firm and hungry kiss upon her lips. Their tongues wrap around one another as Matt delves deeper into her mouth, arousal climbing up his entire body. As they break apart and gasp for air, he rests his forehead against hers and smiles.

“Welcome home, Kingston.”

* * *

Two months later Alex stands in the same spot surrounded by boxes and furniture in disarray. She hates moving, the packing and unpacking and figuring out what goes where. Yet a part of her cannot erase the constant smile plastered on her face. This is home now, _her_ home.

She and Matt kept in touch daily since she left, and he’s called her almost ever hour since she returned to LA. He sounded excited and dare she say…giddy…knowing she was back. He promised to drop by her place to help her with unpacking this afternoon, letting her know he had a special surprise for her. The excitement rushed through her veins and Alex felt as if she was walking on cloud nine. She had a new life, a new job, a new apartment with the ocean at her fingertips, and Matt. She had Matt. In whatever capacity it was, she didn’t even care.

Leaving Matt to go back to New York was hell. Though she knew it was temporary, and knew she’d be returning to LA permanently, she felt as if she was leaving a part of herself behind with him. They’d still not had _the_ conversation when she left, both not really wanting to acknowledge or label anything. Instead they stood at the curb of the airport wrapped around each other, clinging to each other in silence. With a deep and meaningful kiss, she walked away but turned back to steal one last glance his way. He stood unmoving, unable to look away, like she’d vanish into thin air if he did. Alex’s eyes filled with tears but she refused to show him. Instead she pressed her hand to her lips and then held them in his direction, offering a slight smile before she turned back once again into the airport, allowing her tears to brim the surface of her eyes, her emotions overcoming her.

What she didn’t see was Matt’s eyes, behind the cover of his sunglasses, also wet with unshed tears. He hated to watch her go. Of course he knew she was coming back, but despite his best intentions she was leaving with a part of his heart. The week they’d spent together was unimaginable. It was the closest they’d ever been as friends, not to mention the physical element that took it to an entirely new level. He’d made it a practice to keep his emotions in check and not get attached to women. He always kept a distance. It was safe. He was always in control. But with Alex that all fell away without him even knowing it. She didn’t pry her way in or try to change him. She let him be himself. And as he watched her walk away, he realized she had embedded herself in his heart once again.

 _Shit,_ he thought. He was in trouble.

It didn’t help that before she left, Alex left him with a wrapped gift she made him promise not to open until she was gone. “What’s this for?” he asked her.

“What, you actually think I’d let your birthday pass without giving you a gift?”

He smiled fondly. They’d always remembered each other’s birthdays, even when they’d barely been in touch. “So why can’t I open it now?”

“Absence makes the heart grow fonder.” She said with a half hearted smile.

So he waited, as he promised he would. He got back into his car and looked at the package, still blinking back the damn tears and trying to dispel the lump in his throat. He tore open the paper and let out a choked sigh. In the comfort of his solace, he somehow found it safe to let his emotion get the best of him. He stared at the photo in the picture frame for an eternity. Their black and white faces stared back at him as the clock turned back time. It was the first photograph they’d taken together at the summer school class they took in high school.

She’d kept it. All these years, all this time. The memory was so special to him and now, it was obvious it still meant something to her.

Yep, he was in _real_ trouble.

**

Alex makes progress throughout the day, unpacking and arranging the furniture to get some sense of order in place. Her parents arrived an hour prior and already she feels in need of a tall drink. Thankfully, her dad can easily read the stress lines on her face and ushers himself and her mother out the door, promising to return when she’s a bit more settled. Alex gives her dad a look of grateful understanding and he kisses her forehead, gives her a wink and her peace finally returns.

She decides to try hanging pictures and paintings in an effort to color up the walls and liven up the place a bit. She rifles through some canvases and finds her favorite, carrying it around to different walls, trying to find the perfect hanging place. She’s in the middle of carefully examining where the right light would offer itself when she hears a knock at the door.

“It’s open!”

Matt walks in and watches as she holds two paintings in her hands, alternating holding each on the wall closest to the sun drenched windows. She turns, and upon seeing him, rushes into his arms nearly bowling him over. She places a kiss on his lips before stepping away and holding her arms out.

“Well? What do you think so far?”

“It’s uh…it’s nice.” He says curtly, though Alex doesn’t even notice his demeanor. In her excitement, she starts rattling off places things will go, how she’ll decorate the kitchen, what colors she thinks will enhance the ocean view. She doesn’t notice how Matt is pale as a ghost and doesn’t seem to comprehend anything she’s saying at the moment.

“And this painting, this is my absolute favorite. I can’t seem to decide where it will look best though, either on this wall here, over perhaps over on that one across the room? What do you think?”

She looks at him expectantly, waiting for an answer. After a few seconds she notices that he can’t stop staring at the ground. One hand is clenched into a fist at his side, knuckles turning white. The other hand holds a wrapped package. “Matt?”

He still doesn’t answer, and doesn’t look up. He won’t look at her.

“Matt what is it? What’s wrong?”

Finally after what seems like an eternity, his eyes meet hers. They are devoid of emotion entirely, just large pools of black ice. The once loving look he adorned on her is replaced with an haughty smirk. She's seen that look before, many many years ago. Its the face of his emotional wall. _What the hell had happened?_

“I just ran into your parents, in the hall.” 

Alex subconsciously shakes her head once, confused. “Okay,” she draws out slowly and steps closer to him. “And?”

His silence once again fills the room unnervingly. His intense stare strips her raw. He swallows hard, physically keeping the bile down and forcing himself to speak his next words.

“When were you planning on tell me that you’re married?”


	13. I Find it Hard to Hard to Take

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex’s heart drops into the pit of her stomach at his words. The color drains from her face and she visibly tenses, eyes boring into Matt’s, as his words run through her like ice.
> 
> “What are you talking about?” she barely squeaks out.
> 
> “Don’t play stupid with me, Alex,” he grits through gnarled teeth. “Answer the question.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not a happy chapter, sorry to say. But important to the story and development of the relationship. Don't hate me or throw tomatoes at me!

Alex’s heart drops into the pit of her stomach at his words. The color drains from her face and she visibly tenses, eyes boring into Matt’s, as his words run through her like ice.

“What are you talking about?” she barely squeaks out.

“Don’t play stupid with me, Alex,” he grits through gnarled teeth. “Answer the question.”

Her heart reverberates in her chest, faster than she thinks physically possible. His cold stare unravels her and she feels completely exposed. Vulnerable. With nowhere to hide. “What exactly did my parents say to you?”

He clicks his tongue against the roof of his mouth in frustration. So she wants to play this game, instead of just coming out with it. _Okay,_ he thinks. He walks toward her as he begins speaking, but doesn’t go near her, instead circling around her like a predator stalking its prey. Watching her every move. “Oh they were quite delighted to see me, actually.” His voice has a sing-song element to it, though it drips with heavy sarcasm. “Your mother gave me a great big hug and thanked me ever so much for being there for you through this _difficult transition_. And then she said – and I quote –" he stops circling and stands in front of her. _'God knows she needs it with that worthless excuse for a husband she’s got.'_ "

His eyes glint at her with an air of menace and his lips pierce together tightly. “Don’t worry,” he continues. “I played along like I knew exactly what she was going on about. Wouldn’t want you to lose track of who you’ve lied to.”

“It’s not like that, Matt-“

“Oh good!” he exclaims brightly. “So it’s only me then that you haven’t been truthful with.”

The tension in the air is thick and Alex feels like she’s balancing upon a precipice with only one foot. She starts to shake ever so slightly but it goes unnoticed by Matt. _Keep yourself under control,_ she thinks to herself. She can’t fall apart now. She’s already left too much of herself exposed.

“It’s complicat-"

“Just answer the _fucking_ question Alex!” he shouts, flinging one arm in the air. He breathes heavily, chest heaving. His suppressed rage and confusion boils over and all he sees is white hot anger and fury and hurt. She startles at his outburst, flinching slightly. All the years she’s known him, she’s never heard him raise his voice, ever. Especially not to her. And now all she can see is seething hatred pointed in her direction. She swallows heavily.

“Technically speaking, yes,” she says quietly, speaking more to the ground than to him because at this moment, she cannot bring herself to maintain eye contact. “I’m married. But it’s not all that black and white. There’s so much more that you don’t know.”

“Oh I’m sure there’s plenty I don’t know. Because as it turns out, I don’t know you at all.”

She raises her head when she hears that. “Yes, you do Matt. You of all people know me better than anyone.”

“No,” he growls. “I don’t.” He takes a step closer to her and speaks in a low voice. Alex doesn’t know what disconcerts her more – the shouting or the quiet, ominous tone that he now uses. “The Alex that I knew was kind and honest and cared about people’s feelings. The Alex that _I_ knew wouldn’t carry on the way you did with me and _conveniently_ forget to mention that – oh, surprise – you’ve got a _husband_ somewhere in your other life.”

“Matt-"

“All this time!” the shouting resumed. “All this time we’ve been in touch! For the last six months we’ve talked almost every day and not _once_ did you think to bring it up? Whatever circumstances are involved, I thought I at least deserved the _truth_ from you. Let’s not mention the fact that you _slept_ with me two months ago…the whole time…knowing in the back of your mind you were lying to me.”

He sighs exasperatedly and pinches his browline, simultaneously shaking his head as if to subconsciously rid himself of every feeling he has at the moment. He brings the hand holding the wrapped package up to his chest. “Housewarming present,” he says curtly and tosses it at her. She drops the canvas she’s held this whole time, frozen to the spot, and catches it. She glances down at it briefly and looks back up to him. She opens her mouth to speak but no words come. She desperately wants him to just listen to her, so she can explain everything. Then he’d understand. But suddenly there aren’t any words that could make any sense. In no way could he possibly understand. Especially not in his current state. _You have to at least try,_ her conscience tells her. _Try._

“Please…just…sit down, let me try to explain…”

“No, Alex. No. I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. They’ll just be more lies.” He says dejectedly.

The lump in her throat gets larger and heat flushes her face. Her eyes rim with tears. “Please, Matt,” she chokes out.

He gazes at her and she can’t quite discern the intent behind his look.

Pity?

Anger?

Hopelessness.

Matt speaks in a choked voice as well, trying to push his emotions back behind the protection of the indifferent façade. “The girl I once knew is not the same person as the woman standing before me now. I thought I knew you. But I don’t.”

He takes a deep breath in through his nose and blows it out through his mouth loudly. He looks away and back to her once more with a wicked sneer on his face. “Here’s what I do know about you, though.” He holds out his hand and gestures with his fingers like he’s counting, beginning with his thumb. “Manipulator. Liar. Slut. That about sums it up, I think.”

She recognizes that he’s trying to hurt her as much as he feels hurt at the moment. She doesn’t know whether to respond in kind with anger or simply let him spew out his hatred. Before she can even get her wits about her and respond in any way, he turns on his heels and storms away from her toward the front door.

“Welcome home, Alex!” he shouts with his back toward her and almost out the door. “Have a nice life.”

With that he slams the door and is gone.

In the blink of an eye, her world feels turned upside down and the silence is deafening. She stares at the door for a long while as if willing him to come back. She clutches the wrapped package to her chest with a vice like grip. She wants to cry but can’t. She wants to scream but has no voice. She wants to run after him but cannot move.

In her stupor she tears open the packaging on the gift. She stares at a photo frame, much like the one she’d given him for his birthday. In it is a photo of her from their summer in the photography class. He’d taken it candidly when she hadn’t been looking. The light was behind her and framed her in a way that made her appear to glow. She was smiling – laughing, actually. She was happy. Alex opens a small piece of paper tucked into the corner of the frame and unfolds a handwritten note from Matt.

_When I took this I thought you never looked more beautiful. Until I saw you again, a decade and a half later. You’re more beautiful now than ever. You take my breath away, Alex. Welcome home._

The dam breaks and Alex starts sobbing uncontrollably. Her legs can no longer support her weight and buckle underneath her. She sits in a broken pile of grief clutching the photograph and note against her body. She’s there as the day passes by her. She’s there as the sun sets. She’s there as the moon rises. Several hours later she has no more tears to give and finds herself walking down the moonlit sand on the beach, still in a state of shock. She stops and realizes she’s walked back to her spot – _their_ spot – the one she claimed was her new favorite place only just a few months prior. She glances back to the direction of Matt’s flat.

Darkness.

Of course. It’s 2 o’clock in the morning. She sits down in the sand and lets the sound of the ocean waves lapping over themselves act as a lullaby. _Peace in the darkness,_ she thinks.

Matt stands at his window and watches her in silence. He can’t even attempt to sleep because all images of her conjure up in his mind. He thinks back to what she once said about the solitude and darkness of the water at night washing away fears and secrets. Pain. It’s what he has been trying to do all night. Send away his pain into the dark abyss of the sea.

It hasn’t worked.

He takes one last, long look at her in the distance, turns, and walks away.


	14. When People Run in Circles

Three months pass and Alex has no contact with Matt. She understood his anger and confusion. She understood he might have needed some time to cool down. And she gave him that. About two weeks after he stormed out of her new home, she tried an indirect and perhaps easy way of breaking the ice by trying to send him a chat message online.

Nothing.

She then tried texting him, again trying to ease her way back in.

She received no reply.

Finally she thought she might as well bite the bullet and called him. She wasn’t surprised when he didn’t answer, but she drummed up enough strength to leave him a message. She apologized again, and practically begged him to call her back so they could just talk. After a week with no reply, Alex began to get angry. Yes he had every right to be upset but this was bordering on childish. Why couldn’t he just have an adult, rational conversation with her?

In a fit of bravery one day she showed up at his building and found herself standing in front of his door. If he was so hell bent on ignoring her, well…then she’d just take the fight to him. She could handle yelling from him so long as they kept moving forward. Have a fight and let it be done. But she couldn’t handle the disappearing act. They had too much history together to let it come to that.

As she stood in front of his door with a fist raised ready to knock, Alex paused. The bravery, the anger, the fire behind her eyes suddenly dissipated. She stared at his doorway as if she could see through it. The realization suddenly dawned on her. This wasn’t an ordinary fight. It wasn’t something that could heal no matter how hard she tried and willed it to happen. The simple truth was he didn’t want her in his life anymore. He didn’t _want_ to fight. He didn’t _want_ to talk about it. He wasn’t playing games…he was just _done_ with her. He wasn’t trying to send her a message by ignoring all her attempts at contact.

That _was_ the message.

Shoulders slumped in defeat, Alex dragged herself away and, as he wished, silently out of his life.

She reflects on that day three months later as she sits at her spot on the beach, willing the waves to drown out her thoughts as she has every day she’s come here. It’s as if they await her arrival, beginning to crash violently mere minutes later. She wonders what would have happened had she knocked on his door that day. What would have happened if he’d answered? She brings her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around herself reflecting on the time that has passed. Her new job is going incredibly well and she already landed a prime role in a great play. For all intents and purposes, her new venture in life has started out as a massive success and it only looks to improve. If only she didn’t feel a pang of emptiness inside.

Alex glances down at the photograph in her hand of she and Matt. She carries it with her every day. She inwardly chastises herself at the way she feels. A part of her feels so extremely happy and knows she is a strong, independent, successful woman and _should_ feel happy with her accomplishments. She never wanted to rely on anyone, let alone a man, to be the deciding factor of her emotional stability. At the end of her marriage, she reminded herself of that sacred notion. And yet, here she was again. Drowning.

_He’s not just any man,_ she thinks to herself. _He’s my best friend._

_Was, at least_.

Given the complete lack of contact she knows its time just to move on and chalk it up to another bad choice, another moment in life to learn from. Perhaps with time, just a bit more time, she’ll be able to let go.

“Tide’s coming in,” she hears a voice say next to her and before she can even look up, he sits down beside her without looking at her. “You could be washed away before you realize it,” he adds.

She’s in such a state of shock she just stares at him incredulously as he continues his forward gaze, and she finds herself unable to say anything. She bites back the automatic tears and turns her head to the direction of the water. A few minutes pass in complete silence as they say nothing. Finally, but without daring to look at him, Alex speaks first.

“What are you doing here?” she asks softly.

“Why do you come here every day?”

She contemplates her answer. “It started out as a passive aggressive way to lure you out here to talk to me,” she admits. “When I realized that wasn’t happening, it just became…routine. Soothing, somehow.”

Matt rocks back and forth a bit as he nods his head. “Your most favorite spot.”

“Yeah,” she whispers. “Something like that.”

Another several minutes of silence pass between them and it’s both awkward and oddly comforting. Alex tries to sneak a few glances his way out of her peripheral vision, and his position doesn’t change.

“Tell me.” Matt starts. “About him. Tell me what happened.”

She turns her head in his direction just as he does the same and their eyes meet for what seems like the first time in a lifetime. It’s all she can do to not completely fall apart. She notices in a moment the dark circles under his eyes before quickly averting her gaze once again. He’s asking her to expose herself. To unravel herself, layer by layer, knowing how much pain it might cause her. She knows he’s not asking to hurt her, but rather to understand. To be on somewhat level playing field. _This is his_ _olive branch_. She takes a long, deep breath and closes her eyes.

“It’s a long story,” she starts.

“Good thing I’ve got time then.” He interjects immediately. This is her chance. He’s not going to ask again.

“His name was Ralph. We met about eight years ago. At the time, I was having a bit of a rough go of it and he literally popped into my life…and it seemed like…light at the end of a very dark tunnel. He made me laugh, told me all these wonderful things he thought about me that I never truly could believe. It felt nice, you know? Someone that said nice things and really wanted to be with me. We started dating and I found myself completely wrapped up in him. I felt it getting a bit serious a bit fast, and I wasn’t quite sure about it all…but he didn’t let up and before I knew it, the roles were reversed and I had totally fallen for him. Next thing I knew we were living together, then engaged, then leaving my life in the city. It quickly became all about him and what _he_ wanted. What _he_ thought was best. I just lost all ability to speak for myself. Lost all ability to recognize myself, really. Things got shaky and we were up and down for years.”

Alex feels a lump in her throat start to form and she blinks the tears away, quickly wiping her face. Recounting her past is harder than she even imagined it would be. Still, she presses on.

“I knew early on he had…dalliances…with other women but I could never quite catch him in the act. And I couldn’t bring myself to accuse him because every time we fought he’d out-manipulate me and somehow turn it around on me. I found myself backing down every time. So in one of our moments of ‘good times’, he said it was finally time to just get married. So we did. The _honeymoon_ period lasted all of one week and things were back to the same. I grew angry, despondent. Tired of waiting on him and his every whim. We started to fight more and both pulled away. Yet no matter how unhappy I was, something in me just couldn’t leave. Couldn’t give up. Until one day, I’d decided that leaving couldn’t be worse than staying…so I told him I wanted a divorce. He got angry…we fought…and it just cemented for me that it was the right decision. So I moved out on my own. And here I am.”

Matt, staring intensely at her the whole time, notices she won’t look at him and won’t even look straight ahead. Instead, she rests her head on her arms and is turned away. He noticed she was crying and desperately wanted to comfort her, but couldn’t trust himself. His anger is still far too strong. He still has so many questions, wants to know more detail, but is not sure how much more she can handle. He decides to push anyway.

“That one time we were in touch…you asked me out of the blue not to contact you anymore, but that you’d explain later. That was because of him?”

Alex nods and shifts her gaze to the ground underneath her. “He was very possessive and very jealous. He found a piece of paper with your name and email address written on it and became unglued. He took my phone trying to find anything he could about you.”

“So what did he find?”

“Nothing. I’d deleted it all by then, but I knew he’d keep checking. That’s why I asked what I did of you.”

“So he never knew we were in touch?” “

No. He couldn’t stand the thought of me being in touch with any male friends…which later turned into _any_ friends period. Being able to talk with you was sort of…my escape. It was for me, something he couldn’t taint. I just didn’t know how to handle it any other way then.”

Matt seethed silently as he clenched his teeth with anger. No one deserved to feel that way, like a prisoner in their own home. Their own _life_. He already hated the bastard and he only knew snippets of her time with him.

“Were you afraid of him?” he bites out.

Alex lifts her head lightly and stares straight ahead. She doesn’t answer.

“Did he ever hurt you?” he asks, this time a bit softer.

She looks at him and her lips form a dry half smile. “I took care of myself enough.”

He knew that meant a big, resounding yes. That son of a bitch. If he ever saw him he’d kill him in an instant. Now his anger had shifted from Alex to _him_ and he swears under his breath. No matter how mad he is at her still, he’d defend her in a heartbeat. Matt lets out a shaky breath he doesn’t realize he’s been holding in.

“Why didn’t you feel like you could tell me, Alex?”

“It’s like I said, my relationship with you was very precious to me, and not something I wanted soiled by him. Underneath I was terribly unhappy and I never wanted you to know that. I wanted you to see me and remember me as _me_ and not the shell of me that I’d become. Besides, your life mantra had become ‘if someone’s not happy with their life, only they have the power and ability to change it’. I felt like if I’d told you everything, you’d get bored with hearing it and just tell me to change it. And I felt weak for not being able to get out. I couldn’t bear you to think of me like that.”

Matt laughs dryly. “ _Weak_ is never a word that I’d ever think to describe you Alex. Stubborn. Obstinate. And god, you infuriate me sometimes.” He gets a small laugh from her at that. “But never, ever weak. You’re one of the strongest people I know. And the fact that you went through all that only confirms it.” He goes to speak again but stops himself. He chooses his next words very carefully.

“You didn’t deserve any of that, Alex. You deserve so much better. And…you didn’t deserve the things I said to you either. I apologize for that. My anger got the best of me. I didn’t mean it.”

Alex swallows hard. Those words had cut her like a knife. First because they’d come from his tender tongue and second because it echoed her past life and failed marriage. She’d heard words like that, and worse, come from Ralph’s mouth in fits of anger and fighting. She heard it too often that she believed the worst of herself. She’s not sure whether to quite believe Matt or not. So she just nods and again wipes her face furiously to rid herself of the crying.

“So how’s life been for you?” she asks quickly to change the subject.

Matt glares at her, knowing she’s shutting down and this is her way of coping. Normally he’d play along and transition smoothly with her. But she had to know. “We’re not quite done with this, Alex. You need to know that. But I’ll concede. For now.” What he couldn’t tell her is that he knows she needs to talk about it. And he wants to be the one. He wants to be there for her. He wants to understand.

Alex wonders if his comment is an open ended invitation for further contact. Though she doesn’t dare ask. Him being here, asking her to talk, is a good step forward. The next step _…well,_ she thinks… _who knows_.

“My life’s fine, same old same old really,” he says quickly before he pauses. “I started seeing someone.”

Alex takes a sharp intake of breath. Of all the things she thought he might say to her, she never expected that. “Oh?” she manages to squeak out.

“Yeah, we’ll see though. You know me, I always find something.” He tries playing it off casually to avoid stepping on a landmine.

“What’s her name?”

“Daisy.” _Of course it is,_ Alex thinks. “Well good for you, I’m happy for you. Hope it works out.”

Matt eyes her carefully and notes the setting sun has fallen almost completely behind the horizon line. “I need to get going,” he says quietly and stands up, offering her a hand. “I’ll uh…I’ll just…talk to you later, yeah?”

She feels her insides turn out at the touch of his hand and fights it with every fiber of her being. “Sure, absolutely. Whenever you’d like.” He starts back in the direction of his apartment and she down the coastline towards hers. She stops suddenly and turns on her foot. “Matt?”

He stops and turns to her, awaiting what she might say. “How did you know I come here every day?”

He smiles slightly, lowering his head in a sign of trying to hide a bit of embarrassment at the knowledge that he’s been watching her. His eyes bore into hers, telling her in no words that her question is the answer in itself. She blushes slightly at the realization.

“Goodnight, Kingston,” he says and turns to leave again.

“Goodnight Matt,” she whispers, mostly to herself.


	15. It's a Very, Very Mad World

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just want to say I appreciate your comments about character development and the psychology behind it all - I hope the future chapters will help reconcile it all for you! Thank you for continuing to read!

Time passes and Matt and Alex have sporadic contact. Alex is completely immersed in her work and almost all spare time she possesses is devoted to her role in the theatre. She is thankful to be busy and not have loads of time alone with her thoughts. In her quiet, intimate moments, she thinks of Matt and wonders how he is doing. She’s tried to get in contact with him a few times – but their schedules never seem to allow much conversation. They’ve chatted a few times online, though his responses are mostly one word or one line answers. They managed to speak briefly on her birthday, and she was pleasantly surprised to receive his call that day. Idle chat occupied their conversation and there was a tinge of awkwardness. They’d not continued the conversation from that day on the beach – her not entirely willing to expose more of herself and him not asking about it insinuated to her that he didn’t want to hear any more of it. She’s not sure if the tension still exists or if he’s simply preoccupied.

_Things must be getting serious with the girlfriend,_ she surmises.

As hard as she tried at first to stay in touch and get things back on track with him, after awhile she began to focus on herself and her life and finally felt happy and settled - _independent_. Alex began to realize that yes, she still loves him and probably always will – but one can only squeeze so much before the well runs dry. After her divorce she vowed to look after _herself_ and not succumb to someone else’s needs and desires. Her daily walks on the beach have been a sort of therapy for her, a way to talk to herself and really clear her thoughts. Soon she found herself worrying less about Matt and what he thought of her, and more about her own success and future. She figured if he ever wanted their friendship and closeness back in his life, he needed to be the one to reach out.

The holiday season begins and Alex feels a tug of sadness fall upon her. This is her most favorite time of year – the joy, the feeling of magic in the air – yet here she is, spending it alone. _It could be worse,_ she thinks. She prefers solitude to the anxiety and apprehension that used to envelop her with Ralph. She manages to find a small Christmas tree and decorate her apartment with white lights that offer a soothing ambiance.

Suddenly it’s Christmas Eve and Alex begins to settle in for a night of sappy Christmas films, good wine and comfort food – when her phone rings.

“Hello?”

“Kingstonator!”

“Well hello, stranger,” she teases gently.

“Merry almost Christmas, Kingston.”

Something is off. Why would he be calling her now? Today? Shouldn’t he be with _whatshername_?

“Merry Christmas to you, darling” she counters, and chastises herself for letting the pet name slip, waiting for a bit of an explanation for the purpose of his call.

Silence falls upon the conversation until the point of getting a bit uncomfortable.

“Matt? Is everything alright?”

“S’fine, Kingston. I just – I know how much you love Christmas and – I know we haven’t been able to talk much lately. You uh…you have plans tonight?”

Alex takes a moment to read between the lines and register what he’s really asking. “Oh, big plans. A bit of Love Actually, mixed with some other holiday favorites,” she says with a dismissing laugh.

She expects a reciprocal chuckle on his end, but his response surprises her.

“Come over,” he says. Not exactly a question and yet not a command either. She can’t quite place her finger on it, but he sounds almost – desperate?

Alex takes a deep breath and weighs her response heavily. It would be nice to have some company on Christmas Eve, and perhaps they can talk a bit more and finally get more out in the open. “Alright,” she says tentatively. “Give me twenty minutes.”

**

When she arrives at his place, she enters to find a massive fiber-optic Christmas tree in his living room – easily ten feet tall and lights changing color every five seconds. She chuckles a bit at its flamboyance, yet quickly becomes entranced with the mood the lights dictate upon the open space.

“I’m surprised you even have a tree,” she quips teasingly. “You were never really one for the holiday spirit.”

He smirks. “If I’m being honest, it really wasn’t my choice. My housekeeper felt the need to… _liven up_ the place for the holidays. I told her she could do whatever she wished so long as it didn’t create a whole mess,” he finished, laughing.

“It’s different, for sure – but sort of – entrancing, in a way.”

Matt simply shrugs. “Thank you for coming over. Wine?”

“You read my mind,” she responds with a smile. “The second half to my big movie plans for the night.”

He pours them both a glass and they both relax into the sofa, savoring the taste on their lips and trying to avoid being the one to speak first. Alex notices Matt’s despondence and senses again that something is off with him. She’s reluctant to speak first, seeing as _he’s_ the one that invited her over. Yet she can’t help herself.

“So…how are things?” she ventures. “How’s the girlfriend? Daisy, right?”

Matt stares downward into his glass as if he wishes it would engulf him. He holds it with both hands and nods slowly, nervously. “Yeah…” he begins. “That uh – that ended,” he confesses quietly.

Alex instantly feels terrible. “Matt, I’m so sorry. I had no idea-“

He shrugs. “S’alright,” he retorts. “You couldn’t have known. Anyway, it’s really for the better.”

Alex furrows her brow and shifts slightly in her seat, uncomfortable. She attempts a bit of levity. “Let me guess, too clingy?” she snickers. “Put you on a five year plan already?”

“No,” he admits candidly. “Nothing like that, actually. She didn’t want marriage, didn’t want kids. We were perfectly compatible. Got along really well. And she was beautiful – a model even – she was great, really.”

A twinge of jealously hits Alex unnervingly and she has to immediately shake it off. She has no reason to feel like that. But she’s still curious, and confused.

“So what was the problem then?” she asks incredulously.

Matt downs his drink and pauses for a minute, still staring into his empty glass and seemingly unable to meet her gaze.

“She wasn’t you.” He admits.

Alex opens her mouth to speak but finds no words come out. Matt finally glances up at her with a self deprecating smile, eyebrows raised in innocence and simplicity, before casting his eyes again downwards in embarrassment.

“I’m sorry,” he laments. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. It’s just – every time I laughed with her, I pictured myself laughing with you. And every time I _looked_ at her, I just wanted to see _you._ I acted like a giant ass toward you – I know that and I hate myself for it – because you deserve so much better. And if I’m being honest it confuses me more than anything because I don’t know what I want…except that I want you. No matter how much I’ve tried, that just doesn’t go away.”

“Do you really want it to go away?” she murmurs in question.

Matt finally sets his glass down and inches toward her on the sofa. “No,” he whispers, taking her glass from her fingertips and setting it beside his. “And that scares the hell out of me.”

“Me too,” she admits softly, as she allows her hands to be enveloped by his as he brings them to his heart. She can feel the beating reverberating in his chest as it echoes her own. Alex surprises both herself and Matt as she leans in and quickly places her mouth over his laying a kiss upon his lips.

“Alex, I-“

“I don’t want to talk,” she rasps. “Just touch me.” She doesn't want to hear his words or have to explain herself again. She finds herself caught between the past and the present - but for the first time in control - and she revels in the feeling. She doesn't want words or confessions or idle chatter. She just wants to _feel_ him. His touch. No strings attached and nothing tethered... just longing desire.

Matt glances into her eyes, unsure. For the first time in a long time, the tables are turned and he feels the need to _tell_ her everything he’s feeling. But she doesn’t want to talk, and he’s determined to _show_ her how he feels through touch. His hands come up to cradle her face as his fingertips dance upon her curls. He notices for the first time that she’s let her hair go natural, as if she’s relaxed – revealing her untamed heart as he lay his in her bare hands. Their lips meet in unison, parting and meeting together in sweet rhythm as if they’d memorized each other. Tongues circle each other and at once their hands roam each other in excruciating search of release.

They spend hours touching and tasting each other, bringing one another to the brink over and over again. Matt lavishes gentle kisses upon her lips and down the length of her body. “I want to taste you,” he whispers in her ear. His mouth works his way south until he finds her wetness waiting for him. "So beautiful," he whispers before he fastens his tongue on her clit, licking and sucking as she writhes beneath him begging for release. As he enters two fingers inside her she moans in ecstasy. It's like he knows every inch of her body. His fingers remain inside her as he fastens his mouth against hers, both panting in anticipation. "Come on, Alex," he rasps. "Let go, love. I've got you."

Between his voice, the feel of his body against hers and part of him inside her, she falls apart and climaxes against his hand. He places soft kisses against her temple, burying his head in her hair as he quickly replaces his fingers with his ready cock. She gasps and groans in appreciation as he fills her with his length. He keeps his hand in steady circles around her sex, begging her to come again and she reaches her own hand down between his legs caressing him as he pumps in and out of her. They come together, each grasping onto the other for dear life as the physical sensations nearly overwhelm them.

They exchange long and languid kisses all throughout the night, making love over and over again, finding new ways to bring each other to pleasure before they fall asleep exhausted in each others arms. Barely awake, Matt manages to bring his hand to Alex's face, gently pushing the hair out of her eyes and cradling the side of her face in his palm.

"Merry Christmas, Alex," he murmurs.

She hums in appreciation and turns her face slightly to meet his, offering one final meeting of the lips before falling into a deep and restful sleep.


	16. Children Waiting for the Day They Feel Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His gaze falls upon Alex and his eyes join his lips in a small smile full of reverie. He watches her chest rise and fall, every breath silent and relaxed. Peaceful. He hasn’t known peace in months and in this moment he soaks it in like a sponge. As the minutes continue to pass he just watches her, every inch of her, trying to memorize her as if she’ll vanish into thin air.

The morning sunlight bounces off the ocean and glistens through the windows, casting a pinkish glow throughout Matt’s living room. Sofa pillows are strewn everywhere and a trail of discarded clothes leads to he and Alex covered in a blanket, lying in each other's arms underneath the Christmas tree. They lay facing each other and Matt is the first to open his eyes from their slumber.

His gaze falls upon Alex and his eyes join his lips in a small smile full of reverie. He watches her chest rise and fall, every breath silent and relaxed. Peaceful. He hasn’t known peace in months and in this moment he soaks it in like a sponge. As the minutes continue to pass he just watches her, every inch of her, trying to memorize her as if she’ll vanish into thin air. His right arm rests on the curve between her stomach and hip and his hand begins to draw lazy circles on the small of her back. Her skin is warm and soft and feels perfect underneath his fingertips. He recalls the events of the previous night and can’t quite believe he’s actually here with her, like this, in this moment. He had made a split second decision to call her after wavering back and forth as to whether he should. She could have hung up on him – could have told him to go to hell – and he wouldn’t have been the least bit surprised.

But she showed up.

He doesn’t know if it was the soft glow of her face or the warmth and concern in her voice, but he knew he had to tell her. Had to tell her that he’d regretted his harsh words to her. Had to tell her that he thought about her every day. Had to tell her that he saw her everywhere he looked. Had to tell her that he knew Daisy wasn’t the one – that it was her and had _always_ been her and probably always _would_ be her. Instead all he could think to say were three words, echoing in his head like the loud beat of a drum.

_She wasn’t you_ , he had said.

And somehow, she understood.

As he finds himself lost in his thoughts he doesn’t realize Alex has awoken and is looking into his eyes until they meet his. He can’t help the smile that forms on his lips and she responds with her own.

“G’morning,” he says softly, continuing to massage the skin on her back.

“Morning,” she responds. “Make it a habit of staring at people while they sleep?” she jokes tenderly.

“Only the beautiful ones. Which by my count would make it…” he raises his brow to mimic counting in his head. She laughs and playfully swats him on the chest. “…One,” he finishes. His voice is still thick with sleep and he pulls her closer, moaning into her neck kissing the soft spot underneath her jaw. She reciprocates with her own whimper of pleasure. He pulls back to look at her once more as he brushes a stray curl out of her eye.

“You really need to wear your hair like this more often you know.”

Alex blushes slightly and revels in the feel of his palm against her cheek. “Yes I remember how much you loved it this way.”

“Why did you start wearing it straight?”

Alex sighs lightly. “It was – _his_ – idea initially,” she says lowly, unable to speak Ralph’s name in front of Matt. “He thought I needed to look a bit older. More presentable. Sophisticated. And I do like it like that, so after awhile I just sort of got used to it.”

Matt doesn’t waver as he caresses her cheek with his thumb. “Crime against humanity,” he whispers and elicits a small giggle from her. He turns more serious. “He really had a hold on you, didn’t he?”

All she can do is nod mildly. “I’m sorry he hurt you,” Matt continues. “Inside and out. And I know how I reacted that day probably just put you right back there. That was wrong of me. I didn’t realize…I just wished you would have trusted me enough to tell me.”

Alex struggles with what to say next. She certainly didn’t expect this from him. A part of her doesn’t want it. She said to herself last night _no strings,_ no emotions, no admissions. Who was she kidding? All she’s ever had with him are _strings_ and _emotions_. He’s had her on a string for years and not even known it. The love she felt for him from afar was yearning and unrequited.

And _safe_.

Now she feels more vulnerable and exposed than ever before. It frightens her – yet it also excites her. She feels a nervous pang in her stomach that crawls up every inch of her every time she catches him looking at her. She feels the love she has for him tug at her deepest insecurities.

“It wasn’t you, really.” She says as she touches her index finger to his chin, tracing a line around his lips as he presses a kiss to them. “I just haven’t trusted anyone in a really long time. Not even sure I know how to anymore. And I just – “ she hesitates. She can’t tell him. He’ll only run.

_I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember and I couldn’t bear the thought of you knowing I was married and I might have lost my chance with you_ , she thinks to herself.

“It’s okay Alex,” he murmurs before placing a sweet and gentle kiss to her lips. “In time. When you’re ready.”

She smiles in relief and returns his kiss with fervor. She wraps a leg around his waist and swings herself over so she lies on top of him.

“Now this,” she says kissing his chest.

“Is the best Christmas present,” kissing her way down his abdomen.

“Ever,” lavishing her tongue along his hip bone with one hand on his ready erection.

Matt takes a sharp intake of breath. “Christ, Alex. You’re telling me,” as he groans in pleasure. Just as she begins taking him into her mouth the sharp shrill of his phone interrupts the moment. Alex glances up at him with eyebrows raised, wordlessly asking the question if he’s going to answer. Matt shakes his head. “Probably just my mother,” and he silences the ring. She continues, grasping him tightly in one hand and swirling her tongue around his tip. He exhales and lightly raises his hips pushing himself further into her mouth.

The phone rings again and Matt quickly silences it once more without Alex skipping a beat. She slowly takes him in and out of her mouth while simultaneously pumping him with her hand.

Another ring of the phone and Matt shoots up into a sitting position. “Jesus fuck!” he exclaims in frustration and Alex smirks a little, wiping a bit of saliva from the corners of her mouth. Just as quickly as it came his hardness disappears as he furiously swipes his finger over the screen to answer the call. “Mom, it’s bloody Christmas morning, can it wait?!”

Alex watches him with amusement that swiftly turns into confusion as she watches the expression on his face fall. His mouth gapes slightly and the color drains from his features. “Okay,” he chokes out lowly. “I’ll be there as soon as I can.” He ends the call and just stares at his phone. Alex waits patiently for him to say something – _anything_ – but his face is unmoving.

“Matt?” Silence.

“Matt-“she says a bit more sternly in an effort to get his attention. His trance breaks and he meets her eyes. She catches her breath as she notices the tears forming. She’s never seen him cry. “What is it?”

“That was my dad,” he starts, his voice barely audible. “My mother, she –" he lets out a choked sob as his shoulders quake. “She had a stroke. She…” he pauses and Alex frighteningly knows what’s coming next. In a heartbeat she flies to his side and holds his face in her hands.

“She died.” He looks at her disbelievingly as if asking her to right this incredible wrong. “She died,” he says again and immediately throws his arms around her, clutching to her so tightly Alex can barely breathe. She simply holds him as he begins to come apart with tears and sobs and screams. His head buried in her shoulder, she rocks him gently back and forth, gently caressing his hair, in as much shock as he but determined to be a soothing presence.

Several moments later his sobs subside as he still lies in her warm embrace. Her whole focus is getting his breathing in order and hoping a sense of calm will present itself. With a sudden jolt, he wretches himself from her tenderness and springs to his feet leaving her bewildered on the floor.

“I need to go,” he says curtly. She watches him pace around as if looking for something. “I have to get out of here.” He continues to walk from one side of the room to the other but clearly unable to focus.

“Matt,” she begins as she stands to try and calm him. “Slow down, okay?”

He doesn’t hear her. He can’t hear anything other than the buzzing and ringing in his ears. He feels dizzy and just before he’s about to fall to the ground, something catches him. Alex guides him down to the sofa and lovingly strokes his hair and the sides of his face. Matt swears he hears someone calling his name but he can’t quite make sense of it. He closes his eyes and tries to steady his breathing. After a few deep breaths, he opens his heavy eyes and sees her. He stares at her, trying to speak but unable to say anything. She looks at him lovingly and her touch calms his every nerve.

“I need to go,” he says again in a flat voice. He again detaches from her but this time he rises with purpose and begins to put his clothes on. Alex just watches him for a moment, uncomfortable and unaware of what to say to him.

“Right.” She glances at the floor and begins to dress in her own clothes. Fully dressed, she looks at the stoic face before her. “I’ll just…leave you to it then.” She crosses the living room, grabbing her keys and heads to the door. She can’t imagine what he must be feeling right now and how the shock has overcome him. _The pain_ , she thinks. _The pain will come later._

“Alex,” he cries out.

She whirls around in his direction.

“Don’t go.” His lips quiver as he bites back tears, unable to lose it again in front of her. “Please…come with me?”

He doesn’t have to ask twice. She walks to him and laces her fingers with his, offering him all her strength and love. He squeezes her hand tightly and rapidly blinks away tears.

“I’m with you,” she whispers in his ear as she lifts herself onto her toes, kissing his cheek. She lowers herself back down and seizes his gaze. “I’m with you.”


	17. Happy Birthday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I push people away, don’t I.” It’s more of a statement than a question. Matt stares out at the darkness of the water, his glassy eyes reflecting in the moonlight. Alex is unsure how to answer, but before she can even say anything Matt continues and she breathes a small sigh of relief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Caution: Prepare for angsty sadness ahead. A LOT is going to happen in the next few chapters.

The day of the funeral, Alex doesn’t leave Matt’s side. He is withdrawn and solemn, expectedly so. Every so often when the weight of it all becomes too much Matt’s hand finds hers, interlacing their fingers and squeezing tight with every drop of strength he can muster. Alex returns the gesture, squeezing tightly herself, telling him without words that she’s there for him. He doesn’t cry, and barely takes off his sunglasses long enough to make eye contact with anyone.

Matt’s relationship with his parents had never been especially close, more so as he grew older and more independent. He never felt like they truly accepted him for who he was and the choices he made. His mother Lynne constantly interrogated him about settling down, starting a family. She was always trying to set him up, thinking if he just found the right woman, he’d be happy and all would be right with the world. Though they lived in the same city they didn’t speak often, as his parents went about with their own lives as did he. They were profoundly involved in his sister’s life – she, married with kids – gave them their “greatest gift” of grandchildren as they always liked to say. Matt always felt an underlying suspicion that if he were to have a family they’d show more interest, and that always angered him. As it was they rarely even called to see how he was doing. Yet it never ceased to amaze him that he’d be chastised for not calling more often.

Still – as Matt sits graveside, watching as his mother is laid to rest – it saddens him. To lose a relationship that was never fully fulfilled is devastating. He reflects back upon his childhood, remembering the happy family times, mixed with the _un_ happy times. A strange combination of grief and anger stirs within him, and it settles on his heart as the service culminates. It lingers still at the gathering for friends and family. And when the sun has set and he and Alex return to his flat that evening, it still simmers and courses through his veins like venom.

Alex sets about cleaning up a bit around his place – in the week since he’d been told about his mother’s death, Matt’s normal manner of order and organization was lacking. He’d given his housekeeper the week off, telling Alex he really wasn’t in the mood to be around anyone.

Yet she’d stayed with him, every day, and more than simply tolerate it, Matt seemed to embrace her presence. In a time during which he’d normally shut everyone out and descend into his own circle of darkness, she is the only one he let in.

Upon finishing, Alex opens the refrigerator and curses under her breath. Virtually empty. “You know you can’t live on take away forever, right?” she offers lightly over her shoulder before shutting the door and turns to find she’s talking into emptiness. “Matt?” She crosses through the living area, into the bedroom, and even the bathroom repeatedly calling his name.

No response.

She ventures back into the living area, hands on her hips, wondering where in the world he could have gone. Then she notices the patio door slightly open. As she steps toward it a soft breeze washes over her face and through her hair. She steps onto the terrace and spots him in the distance, sitting near the water in ‘their’ spot. She rids herself of her shoes and lets the cool sand envelope her feet as she strolls toward him. Sitting beside him she rubs his back soothingly, trying to read his expression. Unable to think of anything appropriate to say, Alex simply sits, hoping her presence is enough.

“I push people away, don’t I.” It’s more of a statement than a question. Matt stares out at the darkness of the water, his glassy eyes reflecting in the moonlight. Alex is unsure how to answer, but before she can even say anything Matt continues and she breathes a small sigh of relief.

“S’ok, you don’t really have to answer that.” He pauses. “I know I do.” He runs a hand through his hair and turns his head in her direction. “I did it to you. Did it to her. Look what good it did me.” He purses his lips and shakes his head, turning it again to face the ground underneath him. “I’ve been so preoccupied with keeping people at a safe distance so I don’t get hurt. But in the end-“ his voice falters and Alex inches closer to him, eliminating all vacant space between them She wraps one arm around his shoulders and curls the other around his forearm. “-In the end,” he continues shakily, “what does that matter? What’s the point of putting up a wall between yourself and the people you love if they wind up gone anyway? It doesn’t feel better. It feels _worse._ Because along with the loss now there’s regret. Regret that you didn’t say the things you should’ve said. That you didn’t _tell_ them…” he loses all control of his voice and his body begins to quiver. Alex wraps her arms around him tighter.

“I didn’t tell her,” he sobs. “We had our issues, sure. But I should’ve told her,” he trails off. Alex whispers soothingly in his ear, trying beyond anything to ease his pain in this moment, unaware of him linking her and the people he loves in the same category.

“She knew, Matt. Shhhh. It’s alright. She knew.”

After several minutes pass and his cries subside, Matt shifts to face Alex, taking her hands between his. “I come here too, y’know,” he says glancing around, gesturing with his head. “Because of you. I come here because it reminds me of you and it’s _helped_ me. This – _our_ – spot. I remember the first day we came here and how I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to have you in my life again.”

“Matt –"

“Please, Alex. Let me say this. Please.” She nods. “You and I have been on this roller coaster ride for the better part of two decades now.” Alex can’t help the small smile that creeps across her face. “And honestly, I don’t know what this is – what we are – “ he stammers, looking for clarity. “But what matters to me, the _most_ important thing…is that you know how much you mean to me. I’m not good at this…and…and sometimes I think I’m better off alone…and…seriously you drive me mad sometimes…” they both laugh quietly. He brings her hands together and encloses them in his, bringing them to his heart and holding them there. “But in the chaos…one look at you…brings me peace, like I never thought possible.” _Tell her,_ he says to himself. _You’re saying everything but what you want to say. Tell her you love her before it’s too late._ His defenses stripped raw and his nerve emboldened, he opens his mouth to speak but she unknowingly interrupts him before he has the chance.

“It’s alright, darling.” She breaks one hand away to wipe a stray tear from under his eye and rests her palm against his cheek. “It’s natural to find it hard to define when you have history with someone. You and I just…have our own way. I don’t have expectations and we don’t need to label – this,” she gestures between them, laughing awkwardly. “At the end of each and every day, you’re my best and truest friend. The rest of it we can just take day by day.”

His lips form a half smile, half frown and he simply nods his head. The thing about knowing someone the way he knows her is, he can read her like a book. She’s doing the very thing he just finished condemning himself for. Putting up a wall. Keeping her armor at the ready so she doesn’t get hurt. She’s always done that, he thinks. Maybe he learned it from her. Part of him wants to shake her, kiss her senseless, and tell her to let him in. But he doesn’t have the fight in him. Not now.

“Thank you,” he says a bit more dejectedly than he intends as he shifts away from her. “For being here throughout all this. And today.”

She feels the distance between them hit her like cold air from a freezer. “I knew you needed it…and I knew you’d never admit that.” She tries to keep the mood as light as possible.

“You’d be right about that,” he admits. “What can I say – you know me better than anyone. I mean it, Alex. Thank you.”

Alex tips her head lightly to the side, studying his face. “You’re welcome,” she whispers. “And you’re exhausted,” she adds with more fervor in her voice. She stands, offering him a hand. “Come on then.”

Matt takes her hand and lets her lead them back inside. That night he sleeps better than he has in months.

**

“Okay then!” Alex cheers brightly, clapping her hands once as she enters his flat. “This is _your_ day and we are going to do whatever your heart desires.” She steps purposefully to his slumped body hidden underneath a blanket on his sofa. “So long as it gets you up and out of here,” she says as she strips the blanket from him.

Matt huffs and groans, squinting his eyes at the sunlight he has abruptly been introduced to. “Blimey, Kingston. It’s my birthday so I get to choose. And I choose _here_.” He points at his spot on the sofa animatedly.

“It’s noon, Matthew, and you’ve barely left your flat in two months.” She sits down next to him. “See that big bright yellow thing out there?” she teases. “It’s called _the sun_ and it’s really quite refreshing when you give it a chance. It might even remember you and decide to stay out _all day_.” She is very aware of how much she’s irritating him at this moment but she is positively determined to get him out of the house and back to a normal functioning member of society. He shifts onto his back and stretches his legs out over her lap. Her hands automatically and absentmindedly begin rubbing his legs.

“Oh and I forgot the best part!” she says excitedly. “Some group has coordinated an impromptu reunion for our graduating class. It’s this Friday.” She looks at him expectantly but only finds a look of utter disgust on his face.

“Reunion? What the hell for?”

“Fifteen years!” he rolls his eyes. “Oh come on! Don’t look so put out, it could be fun!”

He groans again. “I already keep in touch with the people I want to be in touch with, Kingston. If I didn’t like those people back then and make the effort to be friends, why would I want to now?”

Alex shrugs. “I don’t know…I just thought it would be fun, seeing old faces, where people have wound up in life.” Matt still doesn’t look amused. She bounces back up and goes to the kitchen. “Besides, I never made it to our ten year reunion because of – well – " she cocks her head. “You know. He who shall not be named,” she laughs, trying to elicit _something_ from him. “I’m going to go. I thought it might be fun for us both.”

Still not leaving his position on the sofa, Matt crooks an arm over his eyes while scratching his stubble with his other hand. “How’d you even find out about it anyway?”

“It’s called an invitation, darling,” she scoffs jokingly and gestures to the pile of mail on his kitchen counter. “I’m sure if you actually read your mail once in awhile you would have noticed it.” She begins casually sorting through the stack in search of his invitation when something catches her eye. Her smile falls and her lips part. She hears his voice in the background but has shifted focus from their conversation to the piece of paper she now holds in her hand.

“Kingston? Kingston!” he sits up on his elbows.

She turns on her heels, paper still in her hand and stares at him. “What’s that?” he asks.

Her face hardens and she purses her lips. “Maybe you should tell me.” She walks over to him and hands it to him. His eyes focus as he begins reading and he closes his eyes, sitting up and covering his face with his hands.

“Alex-"

“There is no ‘friend’ taking a grand European vacation, is there?” she asks rhetorically.

“Let me explain-"

“Do it quickly,” she quips. Before he can get a word out she can’t help herself. “Because from what that tax value assessment says, the place I live in is _owned_ by Matthew Robert Smith. So yes, I’d really _love_ to hear how you want to explain it.”

Matt swallows hard. “It’s where I lived, before I moved here. I thought – no I _knew_ – if I offered it to you, coming from me, you’d never accept. It was like pulling teeth to get you to take it as it were. I knew you didn’t want a handout, or any favors…but I also saw your face the minute you took one look at it.” He stands and walks over to her but she takes as many steps backwards, maintaining the distance between them to act as a buffer for her anger. He sighs exasperatedly. “Hell, even _before_ you saw it, I just knew you’d love it. It’s perfect for you and I just…I just…wanted you to have a great place and start off on the right foot when you first came here.”

Fuming, Alex speaks pointedly. “Do you own it outright?”

Matt, a bit confused by the question, says simply, “No.”

“Then based on what that paper says it’s valued at, there is no way what I’m paying every month comes anywhere _near_ your mortgage payment. True?”

It clicks. Matt stares at the ceiling. “True.”

In an instant she explodes. “So what, you’ve been… _subsidizing_ me this whole time?”

“It’s not like that –"

“It’s _exactly_ like that, Matt! What is god’s name made you think that you had the right to trick me like that?” She felt like a fool. She had come to terms with _getting a good deal_ , as he had put it, and felt like she was making it on her own, successfully. It was all a lie, and it devastates her.

“I’m sorry!” he shouts back. “But it wasn’t done with malice or…or…or…ill intentions. I was just trying to _help_ you. What is so wrong with that?”

“More than anything, you want to know what’s wrong with it?” she steps toward him. “You read me the riot act and ignored me all in the name of honesty and truth. All the while _well aware_ of the fact that you did the exact same thing. You’re not just a liar, you’re a hypocrite. And that’s even worse.” She says with a shaky voice. She knows she needs to get out of there before her emotions really get the best of her. She begins to gather her things.

“Alex, please just wait. You’re right. I’m sorry. Please just – I don’t want you to go.”

She glares at him. “For your sake, get your life back in order Matt. Lying around here won’t bring her back. And she’d want better for you.” Alex strides to the door. She turns to him one last time. “I’ll be out of _your_ place in 30 days. I’ll be sure to send it to you in writing,” she says bitterly and storms out, slamming the door behind her.

Matt sighs loudly and places his arm on the counter for balance. In one swift motion he sweeps the pile of mail off the counter and onto the floor, screaming loudly.


	18. And You Feel the Way That Every Child Should

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “The history,” she says exasperatedly and starts to pace back and forth. “You and me. You said it yourself its like one great big roller coaster we’re on. Up and down and up and down. It’s exhausting.” She runs a hand through her hair in frustration. She stops pacing and stands with a hand on her hip, sighing heavily. “God Matt, what are we even doing?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angsty goodness continued :)

Alex steps into the foyer of the restaurant and glances at herself in the mirror. She smoothes a hand over her dress timidly. She chose the red one, admiring the way it gathers to one side accentuating her waistline, with small dazzling rhinestones scattered over the front and a neckline just low enough to reveal a bit of her décolletage. It falls just above her knee and sways perfectly in line with her walk. Giving her hair one last fluff – she’d been wearing it naturally more lately – she takes a deep breath and steps into the doorway. She’s immediately greeted by two women sitting behind a table littered with nametags.

“Hello! Welcome to the reunion!” One of them exclaims, a bit too cheerful for Alex’s taste.

“Hello,” Alex replies in a more even tone, noting the woman dutifully preparing her sign-in list.

“Name?”

Before her lips even begin to form a response, she hears a voice from behind.

“Kingston,” the male voice interjects. “Alex. Kingston.” She turns to see the face behind the voice beaming at her with a smile from ear to ear.

“David!” she says with delight and immediately steps to wrap him in a fierce hug. He returns the hug and sways her back and forth. “My goodness how are you?” she asks as they step away from the embrace.

“I’m good, really good. I can’t believe you’re actually here. Alex Kingston in the flesh. I’d heard a rumor you were back in town but I wouldn’t dare believe it till I see it now with my own eyes.” They both laugh in delight and he takes a small step back from her, looking her up and down. “And look at yourself! You look positively radiant, if I do say.”

Alex blushes slightly. She has always been uncomfortable receiving compliments. “Thank you,” she replies demurely, retrieving her name tag as they walk together further into the restaurant. The setup is hardly what she expected. She anticipated a casual dinner outing – but before her eyes there are round tables circling a makeshift dance floor, white lights strung from the ceiling, a buffet at one end of the room, and a DJ at the other. There are also far more people here than she expected there to be. She’s halfway between feeling excited to catch up with people from her past and overwhelmed, wondering if she just should have stayed home and had a quiet night in by herself. David’s voice whips her out of the deliberation and she focuses squarely on him. He’d always been a good friend to her – and Matt, of course – but she is determined not to think about him tonight.

“So, any word from our Matty boy?” he inquires. _Perfect,_ she thinks. “I thought I might see his ugly mug here tonight. You know, thought maybe he’d come with you?”

“The last I spoke with him, he wasn’t all that interested in coming and…no, definitely not here with me,” she says as evenly as possible.

“Ah right, that whole ‘I’ve already got my friends, why do I want to see people I never talk to’ bit. Almost forgot about that antisocial part of him.” Alex purses her lips into a forced smile, hoping to change the subject, but _David. Keeps. Going._ “You two uh…you know…seeing a lot of each other?”

She bites her lower lip and chuckles sarcastically. Fifteen years ago and even now, David is still trying to get them together. “We talk.” He raises an eyebrow. “It’s complicated,” she sighs, knowing David probably already knows more about them than he’s letting on. “He had a girlfriend, and then everything with his mother-“ he looks at her expectantly as if her answers aren’t quite cutting it. She again forces a smile. “There’s a lot of history. You know that. I’m just trying to focus on my work and…on myself.” She says the last part with a tone of finality hoping he’ll pick up on the hint.

He does.

They chat about work, laugh about old stories, and eventually break apart to mingle with others throughout the room. Surprisingly people take advantage of the music and dance floor eagerly. After about an hour, Alex sits at one of the empty tables to give her feet – and mind – a bit of a rest. She’s exchanged so many pleasantries since she arrived and needs some time to herself to unwind. She rolls her neck and watches people interact, reflecting on how bizarre it is that the last time she saw or spoke to most of them, they were just _kids_. She thinks about how quickly time passes and wonders quietly how different her life will be in another ten or fifteen years.

In the midst of her thoughts, she hears a familiar song begin to play. She knows the piano interlude by heart. Lady in Red. She laughs quietly to herself as she fondly remembers one of her chats with Matt when they first began talking again. They’d joked about winning the lottery, becoming rich and famous, and throwing a big, flashy party. A gala, they’d called it. Fancy clothes all around. They went on and on about the music and songs they’d choose. Alex had mentioned Lady in Red because it was one of her favorites. Matt made her promise to save a dance for him. She quickly wipes the corner of her eyes before any tears can fall, not wanting to be a blubbering idiot in the midst of a celebration.

“May I have this dance?” A voice tickles her ear and as she turns slightly Matt’s hand is extended in her direction. She glances at his hand and then to his face. She looks at him questioningly. “It is your song after all, Kingston. It’s not quite our gala, but I thought it might be my best chance at getting a dance in with you.”

She’s speechless. There’s so much to say and yet she can’t form any coherent thoughts to turn into words. Instead she places her hand in his and lets him lead her to the dance floor. He wraps one arm around her waist and holds the other gingerly in his.

_I’ve never seen you looking so lovely as you do tonight  
I’ve never seen you shine so bright_

The arm around her waist brings her closer to him as they step together in slow circles, the sides of their faces pressed against each other. Neither say a word.

_I’ve never seen you looking so gorgeous as you did tonight_  
I’ve never seen you shine so bright, you were amazing  
I’ve never seen so many people want to be there by your side  
And when you turned to me and smiled, you took my breath away

Alex feels her body lose its tension as they sway together. Matt takes their outstretched, entwined hands and folds them inward, so her hand is against his chest and his covering hers.

_And I have never had such a feeling  
Such a feeling of complete and utter love, as I do tonight_

There is no open space between them at all anymore, and as she rests her head on his shoulder, he bows his head into the crook of her neck. They fit perfectly together as one, and both are completely unaware of the people around them, watching their unspoken love unfold on the dance floor.

Matt lifts his head slightly to whisper in her ear. “I know why you love this song so much.”

She pulls back only enough to meet him eye to eye, not letting go of his shoulder or his hand.

“It says the words you want someone to say to you,” he offers quietly, sincerely. Alex just swallows, seemingly unable to speak at all. “It’s why I asked them to play it tonight. This is me saying those words to you. You are gorgeous, Alex and you are amazing, and you take my breath away and I-“ he falters, too afraid to say the words that plague him day and night. “I adore you. And I’m an idiot and I’m sorry.”

The song ends as they stand completely still now, facing each other merely inches apart. They suddenly realize their surroundings and glance around nervously as people begin again to mull about and a new song begins to play. Alex takes a step away from Matt but he quickly reinforces his soft hold on her hand. “Want to get out of here? Maybe go to my place? Y’know, to talk?”

Alex nods in agreement and her voice returns to her. “Yes. We do need to talk.” She gathers her purse and walks toward the exit, noticing David out of the corner of her eye, grinning at her. She offers a tight smile in return before Matt holds the door open for her and they both exit, Alex’s heart pounding a thousand beats a minute.

**

They enter Matt’s flat and the memories of just a few days prior hit Alex like a rush of cold air. She’d had time to process everything, from the blatant lie he told her to the understanding underneath of _why_ he did it. Her emotions toggle between mad anger and stupid blubbering love. Every time she thinks one wins over, the other makes its way to the surface, creating confusion in her head and heart all over again.

“Drink?” he asks as he sets his keys on the counter.

“No thank you,” she responds, her mind racing so quickly she can’t keep up with it. _Be strong_ , she tells herself. _It’s now or never._ _This is going to hurt but will be better in the long run._ She puts her purse down and faces him at the opposite end of the kitchen area. “Matt, about what you said earlier-“

“I meant it,” he interjects. “Every word. I meant _every word._ ”

Her chest feels tight. She fidgets nervously with her hands and reluctantly carries on. “I appreciate you saying that. Really I do. That was really very special, what happened earlier tonight. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things lately and I just – we have so much _history_ together and sometimes I think it clouds both our judgments.” He stares at her expectantly, unsure of where she’s taking the direction of this conversation. She pauses, clearly thinking very deliberately about what to say next. “I think sometimes it’s too much,” she says resignedly.

Matt furrows his brow in question. “What do you mean? What’s too much?”

“The _history_ ,” she says exasperatedly and starts to pace back and forth. “You and me. You said it yourself its like one great big roller coaster we’re on. Up and down and up and down. It’s _exhausting_.” She runs a hand through her hair in frustration. She stops pacing and stands with a hand on her hip, sighing heavily. “God Matt, what are we even doing?”

Something shifts in him and he begins to get frustrated. “I don’t know, we’re – we’re – learning each other again, taking things as they come. Having a bit of fun, right?”

“You call what we’ve been doing fun? The lies? The secrets? Getting so mad we don’t speak to each other?”

“No not that part obviously,” his voice begins to rise in irritation. “The rest of it is what I meant. We _have_ had fun, Alex and don’t deny that. I’m not saying it’s been all smiles and rainbows but that’s – that’s just what _happens_ in relationships Alex!” He yells.

“Oh we’re in a relationship now?” she quips in return. _Steady Alex. You have to do this. Keep pushing him._ “I wasn’t aware that that’s how we were referring to our…situation.”

“No…no” he stammers. “I didn’t mean relationship _like that_. I just meant – things happen between people, especially because we have history!”

“Okay,” she continues with a steel look upon her face. He eyes her inquisitively as he notices she takes on a completely hardened appearance. _Where is all this coming from?_ He wonders. “So we’re _not_ in a relationship…yet admittedly we have history, we’ve slept together regularly, and have hurt each other by not telling the truth. Right,” she huffs. “That’s not a relationship at _all_ ,” she says sarcastically.

He eyes her like she’s grown a third head. “What is all this, Alex? Where is this coming from?”

“It’s coming from the fact that maybe I don’t like being on a roller coaster! Maybe I want to know what to expect! Maybe I don’t want to be blindsided by not knowing what’s going on in that god forsaken head of yours!” Her nostrils flare and her brow wrinkles, her eyes glowing with fire and her mouth in a terse line.

“That goes both ways Alex,” he spits out. An air of bitterness has settled into the atmosphere among them. “The whole blindsided bit. Don’t you forget about your indiscretions so quickly.” His gaze is now menacing as they stare each other down, seeing who will remain standing when the smoke clears. “And besides,” he growls, “we decided not to label _this,_ ” as he gestures violently between them. “ _You_ were the one who specifically said you didn’t _want_ to define it!” He waits for her retort but she offers none. “So why now? What’s changed?”

“What’s changed is that I realized I don’t really know you anymore.” He winces, feeling the sting of his own words thrown back in his face. “The Matt I knew was the one who showed up on my doorstep with a giant teddy bear. The one who brought me a dozen red roses for my birthday. The one who reveled in the possibility of a relationship, not one who ran from it.”

“You really want to talk about running away?” He sneers. “ _You_ ran from _me_ when all I wanted was to be with you. _You_ ran away to New York for god knows whatever reason and left your life behind! Then, you ran away _from_ New York to come back here-”

“I was SEVENTEEN years old-” she shouts, but he simply shouts over her.

“So was I!” They both breathe heavy as silence takes over for a few seconds. Matt is the first to continue, calmer, his voice breaking slightly. “We were kids, Alex. We didn’t know any better. But things happen, life – happens.” He looks into her eyes and speaks softly. “You’re right, I’m not that guy anymore. I don’t do grand gestures and I run from commitment because…” he sighs and rakes a hand through his hair. “Because if I don’t…then the other person will. They all do. You were the first.”

Alex goes to speak but he puts a hand up to stop her. “I don’t blame you.” He walks toward her, approaching slowly and cautiously. “Christ, Alex. It always comes back to you. You were the first girl I ever fell in love with and you ran. I can’t change history. And now it’s happening all over again. I’ve fallen for you all over again and-” he takes a deep breath. “I’m afraid you’ll run. And I don’t want you to run. It would ruin me.”

She feels her throat swell up to the size of a grapefruit. Her palms are sweating and she begins to tremble slightly as her emotions threaten to completely engulf her.

“Matt-”

“I don’t know how to completely let my guard down, Alex. But I want to try-”

“Matt-”

“-because you’re worth it to me, Alex. You’re more than worth it. I’m bloody in love with you, Kingstonator,” he says it lightly, jokingly, in an effort to take the weight off the words.

Alex is silent as Matt stands waiting for her – _any_ – response. He shifts uncomfortably, feeling his world beginning to come crashing down around him once more. _She has to feel something,_ he thinks. He’s about to make another joke when she silences him.

“Matt, I’m pregnant.”


	19. Sit and Listen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If only he’d played along. She was able to goad him into the fight and get him angry enough, so she was sure he’d have told her to leave and never come back. That was her plan. If he hated her, it would make it that much easier to be out of his life. But he did the unexpected. He backed down. No, he more than backed down, he gave her his heart and soul on a silver platter. Now what was she supposed to do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the comments on the last chapter! Thought the least I could do is post a quick follow up :) We're almost coming down to the end! Stay tuned!

He stares at her, mouth open, stunned into silence. “Sorry, come again?”

Alex rolls her eyes. He heard her the first time. “I. Am. Preg-nant,” she says with a mocking tone in her voice that exhibits her annoyance.

He still stares at her, though as she meets his gaze it feels more like he’s staring _through_ her. He always makes her feel like that and it unnerves her to the core. “Say something,” she pleads lowly.

Matt pauses for beat, unable to think of anything remotely rational at this point. As he opens his mouth he trips gracelessly over his own tongue. “And – and – and its – its mine…” It’s more of a statement than a question but Alex knows immediately what he’s getting at and it enrages her.

“Oh so we’re back to the part where you start calling me a slut again, are we? I should have known better.” She huffs and goes to grab her coat and purse, desperate to be anywhere but here right now. If only he’d played along. She was able to goad him into the fight and get him angry enough, so she was sure he’d have told her to leave and never come back. That was her plan. If he hated her, it would make it that much easier to be out of his life. But he did the unexpected. He backed down. No, he _more_ than backed down, he gave her his heart and soul on a silver platter. Now what was she supposed to do?

He immediately goes to her and puts a hand over her arm to stop her from leaving. “No, no Alex wait. I didn’t mean it like that.” She softens and he backs away. Now he’s the one pacing. “I’m just trying to process here. So…just stop it.”

“Stop what?” she asks incredulously.

He places both arms on the counter below him in an effort to hold himself up. The veins in his forearms pulse and his muscles contract, showing obvious signs of tension. “Stop trying to start a fight with me,” he mutters, not able to look at her.

Why should she be seriously surprised at this point that he’d read and unraveled her in mere seconds? She drops her head back and stares at the ceiling, pinching the bridge of her nose with two fingers. She needs to simply say what she came to say and be done with this, once and for all.

“How did this happen?” His voice, much stronger now, snaps her to reality. Before she can answer he continues on. “We used protection.”

“I know.”

“You told me that doctors said you couldn’t _get_ pregnant.”

“I _know_.”

“You said you don’t even want kids!”

“ _I KNOW!_ ” she shouts, then quickly tries to return her breathing to normal levels. “Your guess is really just as good as mine. A long time ago, when Ralph and I were first together, we tried. It didn’t work. The doctors said it was highly unlikely that it would ever happen. So I gave up on it.” She sighs. “As to the protection, obviously, something went wrong.” He scoffs slightly and turns his back to start pacing again. “It’s the most unlikely of events. But it happened. It’s happening Matt. I confirmed it with a doctor just the other day.” Her heart feels like it’s wrapped in a vice. God she just wants to run. Far away from here and _him_ and all this.

“When did it happen?” he asks softly.

She squints her eyes and closes them briefly, wincing to herself at what the answer will be. “Christmas.”

Matt lifts his head to the sky and smirks. “Right. Thanks for that one Mum.” His eyes shift to her and she notices something different in his features. He suddenly looks so tired – and dejected. Like he’s given up. “What are you going to do?”

Alex can’t stand the awkwardness anymore so she decides to bite the bullet. “Matt…I need you to listen to me.” He shifts his whole body to face her. “I didn’t want kids, and I certainly didn’t plan on having any. But now that this is happening, the only option I have is to keep it. I can’t do anything _but_.” She looks at him pointedly, hoping he understands her meaning. He nods slowly in acknowledgement.

“I’ve thought about this already – what it means for you, for me. I came here tonight to try to get you cross with me so it would be easier to walk away. Look I’ve heard you many times loud and clear. I know you don’t want children any more than I did. I'm not interested in putting you on a 5 year plan. I’m not going to saddle you with that kind of life. It’s not fair to you. So I’m going to raise this child, on my own, and you don’t have to worry. There’s no pressure, alright?”

He squints his eyes at her. “So you’re doing exactly what I said earlier I couldn’t bear you to do. You’re running.”

Shock hits her cold and hard and she stumbles over her words. “N-no, I’m simply giving you an out-”

“Oh how kind of you to be making decisions for me,” he spits out, admittedly a bit more harsh than he intended.

Alex sighs disbelievingly. “Did you ever stop to think what it was like for me?”

Fatigue and frustration settle into Matt’s face and he shakes his head, rubbing his eyes and running both hands through his hair and back again. “What are you talking about, what _what_ was like?”

“Losing you.”

His attention snaps back to her at that.

“When all you wanted was to be with me all those years ago, I didn’t know how to handle it. It’s like you said, we were just kids – didn’t know any better. I certainly didn’t. It was never about me not _wanting_ you. It was more about me not knowing how to deal with you wanting me. So yes, I got scared and cut and run. Only it didn’t take very long for me to realize what a giant mess I’d made and – and that I’d lost the best thing I’d ever had.”

“Why didn’t you say anyth-”

“By the time I got my act together, you’d already moved on,” she explains delicately. “To Karen. I saw you with her, I saw your entire face light up around her. And I knew. I knew I’d lost my chance. For me to go to you then would’ve been ridiculous. What would I have said? What would you have said? I couldn't bear the idea of rejection. And it killed me, Matt. Knowing I could never have you like that again, knowing that I had to keep it to myself, knowing…that she was going to break your heart. You were so besotted at that point if I’d said anything to you I would have lost you entirely.”

Matt hangs his head, a realization suddenly dawning on him. “That’s why you left for New York.”

Alex tearfully nods. “I had to reset my life.” She chuckles slightly. “And yet – you were still my baseline, every time. Even with Ralph, with any other man I’d ever met. I always compared them to you. I’ve carried a torch for you for nearly twenty years, Matthew. Even when we’d go years without speaking, it always came back to you.” She is unable to control the tears that fall graciously from her eyes, even as she furiously wipes them away. Matt is desperate to comfort and console her, wrap her up in his arms and tell her it will all be okay. But he stands immobile, even more desperate for her to say the words he’s been longing to hear for ever so long. “I’ve been in love with you more than half my life Matt. More than that I actually _love_ you and _care_ for you. This isn’t running away – this is setting you free, to go live the life that you deserve and want to live. This is letting you off the hook.”

“I’m not _on_ the hook, Alex. There isn’t any bloody _hook-”_

“This baby is the biggest hook there _is_ Matt. I know you well enough to know you’ll try do the honorable and noble thing no matter how you _feel_ about it. And you'll feel trapped. So you stay with me out of a moral sense of duty and we play one happy family and then what? What if you realize you don’t want to be with me anymore? What if you stay and start to resent me, us? And another twenty years down the road you wind up miserable and we can’t stand each other. I don’t want that for you, and I don’t want that for me. Certainly not for this child.”

“Alex, I love you and I finally have you and I just want to be with you.” He starts towards her, reaching for her desperately.

“Yeah, Matt – _me._ But it isn’t just me anymore.” She takes both of his hands in her own, grasping them tightly. “This baby is going to change everything and I’m okay with that, I’m ready for it. You’re not.” Matt turns his face away from her in shame, knowing she’s right. Immediately her palm braces itself softly against the side of his cheek, bringing his focus back to her. “And that’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with that. But I can’t be the consolation prize.” She searches his eyes. “And I can’t be an obligation you feel responsible for.” He mirrors her actions with his hand, swiping a thumb over her cheekbone tenderly. There are unshed tears in his eyes. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, Matt. After so many years, finally getting the chance to tell you how I feel – and still knowing that the best thing all around is for us not to be together.”

“I’m not abandoning this baby,” he chokes out with a rasped voice.

“I don’t expect that you would. And you must know that I’m not going to keep you away, not in the least. You’re the father and you can be as involved as you want to be. But it has to be your choice, not something that’s forced on you. You have you make a decision one way or the other.”

“Where does that leave us then?” he asks gravely.

Alex sighs and shrugs her shoulders slightly. “Friends. Parents.” Tears fall down her face and Matt places a hand on either side of her cheeks, cradling her face. He wipes away her tears and brings her face to his for a desperate kiss. Their tears combine as their lips meet each other, soft and needy at the same time. He breaks the kiss as his fingers in their way into her hair. He brings his forehead down to hers and rests it there, both hearing the echoing sobs in the other’s throat. “We can’t just be friends, Alex.”

“We have to be,” she weeps, placing a final, emotionally charged kiss upon his lips. She steps out of their embrace and attempts to gather herself together. Matt yearns for her and his eyes hide nothing. They are full of raw pain, his heart aching loudly. “Just let me know what you want to be involved with and I’ll-”

“Everything,” his broken voice interjects. “I want to be involved with everything.”

Alex nods. “Would it be alright if I stayed in the flat for the time being? I know I gave notice and all-”

“That’s your home, Alex. For now and for however long you want. It’s yours.”

Her next words reverberate against him like the loud beat of a drum. The same words she said to him so many years ago, as she walked away and left him in ruins then as she does now. “Please don’t hate me.” She remembers the words as well, and remembers how selfish she felt the last time she spoke them. This time, though she feels she’s done the most _un_ selfish thing possible, it still tears her apart inside. Matt’s eyes soften just as they did that fateful day. “Not possible, Alex,” he whispers dejectedly. He reaches to her once more to brush a stray hair out of her eye and his fingertips trail over her forehead and down her temple.

“Good night, Matt.” Alex pulls away from him reluctantly and walks toward the door. She turns the knob and stops, glancing back over her shoulder toward him. Her heart is screaming loudly _go to him, you can figure out a way to make it work. You love him. He loves you. Go to him._

“G’night, Kingston.” She looks at him one more time before passing through the door and closing it behind her. Matt follows to the door, ghosting his fingertips over it, placing a flat palm against it before letting out a deep, raggedy breath.

On the other side of the door, Alex has her palm against the door as she leans her head against it, finding it impossible to physically move her legs to leave.

She hears the click of the lock.

She hears his footsteps walk away from her.

She puts one foot in front of the other, and heads home.


	20. Went to School and I Was Very Nervous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alex splashes herself with water one last time and braces her hands on either side of the faucet. She looks at her reflection in the mirror and takes a few deep breaths. She can’t believe, after everything that has happened over the last year and a half, that this is happening now. A whirlwind of emotion rushes through her and she briefly thinks she might be sick again. A rapt knock on her door gratefully distracts her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Admittedly a shorter chapter - but no fear, lots more good stuff coming up!

Alex splashes herself with water one last time and braces her hands on either side of the faucet. She looks at her reflection in the mirror and takes a few deep breaths. She can’t believe, after everything that has happened over the last year and a half, that this is happening now. A whirlwind of emotion rushes through her and she briefly thinks she might be sick again. A rapt knock on her door gratefully distracts her. She grabs a hand towel and wipes her face as she steps out into the hallway.

“Come in!” she hollers. The door opens and Matt strides in with a smirk on his face.

“Hi honey, I’m home,” he jibes as he makes his way into the living area. The smirk is erased instantaneously and replaced with a blush of embarrassment. “Sorry…that sounded a lot funnier in my head.” He notices she doesn’t laugh or even roll her eyes at his failed attempt of humor. “You alright Kingston?”

Now with the towel wrapped around the back of her neck, Alex nods solemnly. “Just a bout of morning sickness. Except it’s not kind enough just to pay a visit in the morning. Feels like all day, every day.”

Matt steps toward her but catches himself. In all honesty he’s not sure how to handle this arrangement between the two of them. He respects her desire to maintain friendship but it’s all he can do not to touch her. After all this time, to be able to come so close, have her nearly in his fingertips and have to let her go devastates him. Add to that the idea of a _child_ , it nearly unravels him. But he is determined to try to work through his feelings and be there for her.

“Anything I can do to help?”

“Not really, but thank you for offering. You ready to go?”

Matt lets out a deep, loud sigh that doesn’t go unnoticed by Alex. “Ready as I can be I suppose.” She eyes him cautiously but doesn’t retort. He said he wanted to be involved and she’s trying to take him at his word. It’s the first visit to the doctor with him and today they’re finding out the sex of the baby. Alex notes he is obviously overwhelmed but she only has enough focus for putting one foot in front of the other and maintaining an upright position. She leads them out the door and Matt places a hand at the small of her back instinctively before quickly removing it and shoving them in his pockets.

**

At the doctor’s office Alex lays on her back, focusing on her breathing, hoping it will overcome her never ending nausea. Matt sits at her side, incessantly bouncing his leg against the floor and shifting in his seat every few seconds. Alex turns her head to the side and silently glares at him. His darting eyes finally meet hers, noticing the fire behind them, and ceases his movements.

“You don’t have to do this you know.”

“Don’t have to do what?” Though he plays it innocently, Alex rolls her eyes knowing that _he_ knows what she means.

“You don’t have to be here, Matt. You don’t have to play along and pretend to be supportive.” He starts to object. “I appreciate what you’re trying to do, but honestly…the sheer look of panic in your eyes is slightly unnerving.” She sighs and places a hand over her forehead. “And quite honestly, I’ve got enough to worry about now, I really can’t afford to look after you as well.”

Matt exhales and slumps his shoulders, a disappointing look upon his face. He hadn’t meant to be so transparent, but it practically seeps through him. “Alex I-”

“I’m serious, Matt,” she says flatly. “I meant what I said. I can do this all on my own. And that doesn’t mean shutting you out. It just means-”

“Alex, stop.” He levels her with his serious stare. “Look, I’m not saying this is easy for me. And honestly, yeah – it scares the hell out of me. But I’m trying, alright? I’m not pretending. So if I look panicked it’s because I am. But I am not. Backing. Out.”

The tension that filled the room is still present when the doctor enters, but both focus their attention on him and not each other. He sets up the sonogram machine and preps Alex. She squeals lightly and shivers when the cool liquid hits her skin. As the scan begins, their eyes are both rapt on the machine in front of them.

“So far so good,” the doctor comments. Everything looks normal, healthy growth, and-” he looks between the two of them expectantly. “Would you like to know the sex?” They exchange a nervous look before both nod in agreement.

“It’s a girl.” The doctor smiles.

Alex brings a hand to her mouth as the corners of her eyes wrinkle and shine brightly with tears. Matt’s hand immediately finds hers and squeezes tightly. His mouth falls open slightly with both astonishment and wonder. He brings their interlaced fingers to his lips and kisses her knuckles softly. He realizes his throat feels tight and it becomes hard to swallow. The emotion wells up from the deepest part of his chest and begins to rise, his face becoming flush.

“Now Alex, given your situation we’re going to want to monitor you quite closely throughout the duration of the pregnancy. With under a ten percent change of conceiving, it’s imperative that you are very careful and have lots of rest and no exertion.” Alex nods seriously in agreement. “I’ll give you two some time,” the doctor says as he stands to exit the room. “Make sure to schedule your next appointment before you leave, Alex.”

He shuts the door behind him. Matt looks to Alex with concern. “Are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m alright,” she says shakily. “Just slightly nervous. And…scared. I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier. I’m feeling just as scared as you probably are.”

“Hey,” he scoots closer to her and clasps her hand in his even more tightly than before. “Hey…you’ve every right to feel like that. But it’s alright,” he soothes her and strokes his thumb over her wrist softly. “It’s all going to be alright, I promise.”

Matt looks to the picture in front of him and back to her wistfully. “A girl,” he whispers in wonder. “We have a baby girl.” He lets out a small giggle and she returns with one of her own. He removes one of his hands and brings it to her forehead, tracing a line over her brow. “I adore you, y’know.”

Alex smiles at him reverently. It’s all she can do not to gush at him, jump into his arms and never let go. But she realizes she must stand behind her decision. She wasn’t fooled by the look of panic she saw earlier. She understands his nervousness and fear, as she obviously has some of her own. But she can’t take the chance to fall – really, truly fall – and not have him there to catch her. She must stand on her own, for her and her daughter.

But right now, in this moment, she simply takes his hand, kisses the inside of his palm, and nods.

“I know.”

**

“Are you serious Matty?”

“Yeah Lor. Went to the doctor with her today. It’s a girl.” Matt sits next to his sister on the couch, shifting to move the piles of toys underneath him.

“Wow. I can’t believe this. I mean, all I’ve ever heard you talk about is how much you _don’t_ want kids. I mean – no offense – but it’s like pulling teeth to get you to be a regular uncle,” she laughs.

Matt chuckles back. “Yeah, you’re telling me. It wasn’t expected though, y’know? I mean, she had a ten percent chance of getting pregnant. Ten percent! In what world does that happen?”

“Apparently yours, baby brother.” Matt gives her a slight look of annoyance. He’s not sure what he’s looking for from her. Advice? Guidance? Someone to stop him from jumping into the Pacific Ocean? “So, what’s the plan with the two of you? I mean, are you dating now?”

“No.” Matt shifts his body forward and places his elbows on his knees, head in his hands. “She wants to just be friends. Co-parents.”

“And what do you want?”

He sighs and looks at his sister with a silent plea. “I don’t know, Lor. Honestly, I don’t know. I wanted to be with her. Declared my undying love for her even. But she’s afraid I’ll run. She doesn’t want to take that chance. I dunno, I guess she thinks it’ll be easier if she doesn’t get attached.”

“Well…are you going to? Run?”

“No. Heavens no. I mean, don’t get me wrong – I’m scared as hell and this is not the direction I saw my life taking. But things change. Life throws you curveballs. You just adapt. So…I’m just going to adapt.”

She rubs his back briskly. “Oh Matt. Here’s the thing. Just because life takes you in a different direction, it doesn’t mean it’s a _bad_ direction. Maybe it’s the direction you were always meant to go. Just not until now. Not until her. If you want her, and I mean you have to be absolutely sure – then don’t take no for an answer. But don’t keep one foot over the fence either. You’ve either got to be all in, or stay true to her boundaries.”

Later that night, Matt reflects over his sisters words deeply. She is right. He has to decide one way or the other. The only problem is, he has absolutely no idea what side of the fence to be on. How could he decide? And how could he tell Alex once he made his decision? He either faces losing her or losing the entire notion of his identity. As he walks in the sand and feels the water lap at his feet, his decision seems as dauntless as the black sea before him.


	21. No One Knew Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes she swears he sees right through her and can read her thoughts word for word. Little sideways glances, half cracked smiles when she’s fighting with herself. But he doesn’t push her. Nor does he push her away. He plays the part of the doting friend rather well. Of course. He’s had nearly 20 years of practice.

Alex begins the walk from her car up to her flat. Halfway through her pregnancy, she finds herself tiring quickly. Her work day certainly didn’t help her today. It seemed as though she had one meeting and one problem constantly following the other. To make matters worse, the director asked her to stay late to review some potential scripts. Now, with a twelve hour day behind her and her feet positively aching, she looks forward to nothing more than toeing off her shoes, drawing a bath, and crawling into bed.

As she climbs the stairs, her thoughts turn to Matt and the presence he’s had in her life lately. Admittedly, she is surprised at the level of involvement he’s continued to have with respect to the baby. Every now and again, out of her peripheral vision, she’ll catch him tapping his foot nervously or swinging his arms forward and backward. She’s caught on that those are his means of fighting the panic. Usually after a few minutes, his focus returns – as does his attempts at humor.

 _He really has been truly wonderful throughout all this,_ she thinks. And quite honestly, she hasn’t given him much at all. When Alex decided it was best that they remain only friends, she calculatedly put a wall of distance between she and Matt that could never be taken down. It takes all her strength and resolve to keep it up and her feelings at bay. But every time she looks at him, she feels a tiny piece start to crumble. Every time he says her name, a crack. Every time there’s an accidental graze of his hand – a fissure. 

And every time she feels a crumble, crack or fissure, she fights extra to build it back up – to the point of giving curt, one word answers or even ignoring him completely. And yet…

And yet. He keeps coming back.

Alex feels immensely torn between smiling and punching something when this thought enters her mind. It would be easier if he had cut and run. It would be easier if he disappeared, allowed her to hate him. At least then she’d only have her own feelings to worry about. Now she not only has to manage her own feelings, but has to keep herself in check so she doesn’t completely destroy him too. Sometimes she swears he sees right through her and can read her thoughts word for word. Little sideways glances, half cracked smiles when she’s fighting with herself. But he doesn’t push her. Nor does he push her away. He plays the part of the doting friend rather well. Of course. He’s had nearly 20 years of practice.

She pauses to catch her breath steps away from her door. _Idiot_ , she tells herself.

_You hate him because you love him._

_You hate yourself because you won’t allow yourself to have him._

_But what if he leaves?_

_What if he doesn’t?_

_Too risky._

Alex growls in frustration and bounces off the wall she’d been resting against. Too much thinking and an extra-long day has begun to make her head spin. She approaches her door, unlocks it, and starts to open it. She stops suddenly as one foot is halfway through the doorway. Slowly, she pushes the door the remainder of the way open and gapes upon the scene in front of her.

There are lit candles _everywhere_. Beautiful, fragrant flowers everywhere. The flat is immaculately clean. She glances upon the small dining area table and sees place settings for two, the table lit with two candlesticks and draped in a gorgeous floral arrangement. A new aroma wafts through the air and stirs her senses and she turns into the kitchen to find the oven on and _something_ smelling delicious cooking inside. Her mouth falls wide open and she is unable to close it to suppress the utter shock at her surroundings. She dips her head to smell one of the flowers. Her eyes flutter closed and a smile eases across her face as she envelops the fragrance. Peonies. Her favorite.

Before she can wrap her mind around what to do or where to step next, Matt calls from behind her as he walks down the hallway in her direction. “Welcome home, Kingstonator,” he smiles and takes her bag and coat from her shoulder, hanging them on the coat rack by the door.

“What is all this?”

“This,” Matt gestures around him with his hands. “Is for you.”

She narrows her eyes, slightly suspicious. “What for?”

Knowingly, Matt smirks in response. “Not _for_ anything, Kingston. Just…because. Because you deserve to have nice things done for you. You deserve to feel lo-“ he stops himself. “Appreciated.”

“I don’t know what to say,” she offers quietly. “I’m not used to…this,” she glances around one more time at what surrounds her, then matches Matt’s gaze with her own. She feels herself about to be reduced to tears and immediately reacts to stop it from happening. “And from you, at that. Thought you weren’t the grand gesture type anymore?” She says with a side of sarcasm.

“Guess I had one more up my sleeve for old time’s sake, yeah?” he laughs gently. He can feel her defenses rising and the last thing he wants to do is scare her off. He expected it and already had a plan for playing along. He needs to lighten the mood. He claps his hands together loudly and brushes past her into the kitchen. “So!” he exclaims from behind her. “How are my two favorite girls doing today?”

Alex shakes her head, as if to try and clear her thoughts in order to properly speak. “Uh fine, fine…tired. Long day.” She whips around to face him, confused.  “How in the world did you get in here? And are you actually – cooking?”

Currently bent over the oven poking and prodding whatever is inside, Matt turns his head to the side to face her and smiles wryly. “I sort of own the place, remember? Used to live here. Spare keys, love.” She raises a finger to him. He stands up, closes the oven door and laughs, walking toward her.

Thank god for the counter between them.

“Don’t worry, I don’t invade your privacy on a regular basis nor do I plan to in the future. I just wanted to surprise you. If it bothers you that much I’ll turn over my spare key to you.” She drops her finger and looks away meekly.

“You don’t have to do that. Just…emergencies only alright?”

“Do surprises count as emergencies?” He’s getting under her skin and knows it. And loving every minute of it. He can hardly wipe the smug grin off his face throughout this little exchange.

“Hardly,” she scoffs.

“Okay then. I’ll just pick all this stuff up and get out of your hair-”

“No don’t!” She bites her lip in embarrassment. That came out a bit too excitedly and much more loudly than she intended. And he just stands there, grinning. 

“This is all very lovely,” she mutters.

“I’m sorry what? I couldn’t hear you.” More grinning.

Realizing the game he is playing, she purses her lips and lifts her chin. Louder and purposefully, she repeats, “I said…this is _all. Very. Lovely._ ” She stares at him in a mock challenge and within seconds, lets her façade fall and smiles from ear to ear. “Really, this is such a lovely surprise Matt. Thank you. And whatever you’ve managed to cook in there smells awfully good.”

“No need to worry,” he bops her gently on the nose. “I didn’t actually risk burning down your kitchen. It’s from Sergio’s. Just reheating, waiting for you.”

“Sergio’s! That’s my favorite Italian! They have the _best_ lasag-”

“I know.” She cocks her head and swallows the lump in her throat. Her favorite meal, her favorite flowers – he did all this just for her? Without wanting anything in return? It makes her feel guilty. Like she should do something for him, or return his gesture with a means of thanks that measures up to the thought he put into this.

“Stop thinking.” He is beside her in an instant reading her thoughts _again_. “Seriously, Kingston. It’s okay to let people do nice things for you. It’s okay to let something make you feel happy. Your favorite flowers, favorite meal, favorite music…it’s all for you. Just let yourself feel happy from your favorite things. No questions asked. No second guessing. Just… _enjoy._ ”

Alex lets out a small breath and feels the corners of her mouth turn upwards. “You said favorite music too – there’s no music playing.”

Matt holds out his hand to her. “May I?”

She places her hand in his and lets him guide her to the middle of the living room. Grabbing a small black remote out of his back pocket, he points it to the stereo before tossing it onto the chair next to him. A song comes on that Alex instantly recognizes. It’s hardly slow dancing material but with the mood, the lighting, and Matt holding her against him, she could stand swaying with him in this moment for eternity. She first heard the song when she arrived in LA and played it on repeat for months. She said it reminded her of them. A story of time lost and gained again. A story played out over years and stories and lines. She grips his shoulders tightly and presses her forehead into the crook of his neck as the chorus washes over them.

_I’ll see you in the future when we’re older_  
 _And we are full of stories to be told_  
 _Cross my heart and hope to die_  
 _I’ll see you with your laughter lines_

Alex holds on to him tightly and feels his grip tighten reciprocally around her waist. Bodies pressed against each other, they allow no space between them. Each feel the other's heartbeat and both hold caress the other lovingly. 

_This is our our story,_ Alex thinks. Love that spans years.

 _This is our story,_ Matt thinks. Stories and laughter and love. Always love. Past and future.

The song ends and their faces pull apart but their bodies remain pressed against each other, both unable to let go. Their faces mere inches from each other, they alternate turns staring between eyes and lips. Heat rises between them and their breathing starts to become heavy.

"Matt," Alex pants.

"Shhh." He places his index finger over her lips, gently silencing her. "There's one more part to the surprise," he whispers softly. He notices her eyes tear up slightly as they search his for an answer. "Close your eyes," he whispers once more. After a moment, she complies and feels him wipe away the stray tear that falls from the corner of her eye.

His hands don't leave her body as he steps behind her and places his grip on her hips, slowly walking her forward. "Matt-" she mutters warningly as they continue inching forward.

"Hush Kingston, almost there," he says in her ear, sending a shiver up and down her spine.

She feels him halt their movement, pivot to the right, and he places his hand over her eyes. "Matt," she whines. "My eyes are already closed."

"Can't risk you peeking too early now, can we?"

Alex huffs and just remains silent, anxiously waiting for her surprise. Honestly Matt has outdone himself and completely wooed her without even admitting to trying. He removes his hand, but she keeps her eyes remain dutifully closed. "Alright Kingston, open your eyes."

She opens her eyes, and though it takes a moment to adjust, Alex is blown away and completely overcome with emotion. She steps forward in awe as her eyes gaze around the room. The ceiling is painted with exquisite celestial designs of the sun, moon and stars that artfully blend down into the walls covered in silver and white clouds. In one corner stands a white crib with a dangling silver mobile hanging above it. In another corner, a changing table and dresser, with drawers open showcasing brand new baby clothes. Stuffed animals litter the open space of the room, the white and silver accented with varying shades of pink and purple. It's elegant and eclectic all at the same time.

"It's magnificent," Alex says out loud without realizing. She simply stares in awe, slowly circling, trying to drink in every inch of space more unique than the other. Several minutes pass in silence before she finally is able to form a complete sentence. With Matt still standing behind her, Alex asks in wonder, "How did you do all this?"

"Been planning it for weeks," he says a bit proudly. "I have a few connections. Made some calls. Planned it to the minute you left for work this morning. Even managed to arrange a couple emergency meetings for you today."

She whirls around to face him, not in anger but in amazement. "You did all this for me?" She pauses. "Why?"

"Because you deserve it. Both of you," he says simply.

Without another moment's hesitation, Alex launches herself into his arms, grabbing the back of his head and pulling him into a fervent kiss. Matt reacts to the initial surprise but within seconds responds in kind, bringing his hands to either side of her face, inching his fingers into her hair and immediately deepening the kiss. His tongue wraps around hers, sliding over her teeth, licking the roof of her mouth, pausing to suck on her bottom lip. They break apart to gasp for air and gather themselves, breathing each other's air. Matt gently strokes her cheeks with his thumbs.

"I'm all in, Alex," he rasps. "Everything. Every part of you." He brings one hand to gently rub over her slightly protruding belly. "And her."

Alex can't think of what to say to him in this moment. She doesn't want to push him away. She wants him. All of him. Yet she finds the words escape her. "Please, Alex..." he begs softly. He grasps the back of her neck gently. "Please," he urges again.

She answers him without words as she brings her lips to his again, gently this time. Their kiss deepens slowly and languidly, hands exploring each other with a known familiarity. They walk in unison across the hall into her bedroom, still wrapped in each other. Matt lays Alex down upon the bed and shifts to her side, lavishing sweet and sensual kisses upon her neck, his left hand roaming over her breasts and down her legs, craving every inch of her. "Is this okay?" he whispers gently into her ear, his tongue darting out to suck on her earlobe. Alex nods and pants out "Yes," as she spreads her legs slightly to allow him access.

They undress each other slowly and Matt's hands roam all over her body, bestowing his undying love over every inch of her. He gently shifts her onto her side so her back faces him and he places kisses between her shoulder blades, moving her hair out of the way and licking the back of her neck. His hardening length presses against her backside and she moans with desire. "Please Matt," she gasps and reaches around her back to grasp him. His hand moves between her legs as he dips one finger into her wetness. He quickly replaces his finger as he enters her quickly and fills her entirely. Alex whimpers in delight at the feel of him inside her once again. It isn't long before he feels himself ready to cum and he brings his fingers over her leg to bring her arousal to climax with him. "Come on love," he begs. "Come with me." He continues his pace in and out of her, simultaneously rubbing her clit and placing open mouthed kisses along the length of her spine. Both come to an earth shattering climax, gasping for air, Matt wiping the hair from her glowing face.

"God I love you," he whispers in her ear, wrapping a protective arm around her stomach and nuzzling into her neck.

Unable to move from feeling utterly satiated, Alex nestles against his chest, a smile placed upon her lips. "You're magnificent," she replies as she feels the pangs of sleep fall upon her eyes. "I love you."

Matt's eyes flutter with the smile of appreciation upon his own lips at her admission. Dinner forgotten, they fall asleep with the lull of the ocean waves echoing through the early images of their dreams.

* * *

Matt awakes at dawn, finding Alex still fast asleep and looking more peaceful than ever. He crawls out of bed quietly, careful not to wake her, and brings the duvet currently gathered around her stomach up over her chest to cover and keep her warm. He traces a finger over her lips, smiling, and presses a gentle kiss to her forehead. 

He enters the kitchen, opening the oven and trashing the burnt and uneaten lasagna from the previous night. He begins preparing a full breakfast in bed for her, with fresh fruit, toast, juice, and a fresh, open blossomed peony donning the side of the tray to add a special touch.

He begins placing the final touches upon her special morning surprise when he hears a blood-curdling scream from the direction of her room. The hair stands up on the back of his neck and fear fills him instantaneously. He races toward her and throws the bedroom door open, finding her slumped over on the floor at the foot of the bed, a pool of red growing underneath her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Referenced song is Laughter Lines by Bastille. Also, sorry sorry so so very very sorry.


	22. Hello Teacher Tell Me What's My Lesson

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s been two hours now. Two hours since he arrived at the hospital with Alex draped in his arms, blood soaking through his clothes, hearing her cries of pain and agony reverberate through his entire core. It’s all he can hear now. Any moment he deviates from his internal chant of smudge, crack, end, the sound of her resonates with a vengeance. Hearing her and seeing her like that is almost enough to kill him. Certainly enough to bring him to his knees and beg for mercy. For him. For her. For the baby.

Matt paces the dimly lit hallway maniacally, cursing the flickering fluorescent bulbs above him. _This is a hospital, for chrissakes._ Things in hospitals are supposed to be in perfect working order.  He retraces his footsteps over the same area so many times he begins to notice a familiarity in the tile below him. Step three has a smudge from someone’s shoe. Step five has a small crack in the tile. Step nine lines up perfectly with the end of the hallway. Smudge. Crack. End. Smudge. Crack. End. He forces himself to play the mind game to keep his thoughts from spiraling out of control in the _other_ direction.

It’s been two hours now. Two hours since he arrived at the hospital with Alex draped in his arms, blood soaking through his clothes, hearing her cries of pain and agony reverberate through his entire core. It’s all he can hear now. Any moment he deviates from his internal chant of _smudge, crack, end_ , the sound of her resonates with a vengeance. Hearing her and seeing her like that is almost enough to kill him. Certainly enough to bring him to his knees and beg for mercy. For him. For her. For the baby.

And now, two hours of pacing and chanting are wearing thin.

He feels himself beginning to crack. He wants to know something, _anything_. The polite pats on the shoulder combined with the ‘give it more time’ and ‘they’re doing all they can’ remarks from the nurses make him want to throw his fist through the nearest wall. Patience. He’s had about enough of that. All he has been is patient throughout this entire ordeal. Up until a few years ago his life was simple. Deliberate. No surprises.

Then Alex.

As he rolled with the punches he found himself not only adapting, but welcoming the interruption in his predictability. Despite their early turmoil he would never have had it any other way except the simple equation of her, back in his life.

Fast forward to just a few months ago and he found his entire world turned upside down yet again. Every plan he made, every decision he felt comfortable with – blown to bits. Not only did he never anticipate a child, he never counted on one – never expected one – never _wanted_ one.

Yet the minute Alex told him _she_ was having _his_ child…something inside him changed. A man who never wanted to be a father suddenly found himself unable to tear his thoughts away from cherishing every moment he possibly could with his new daughter. Loving her. Protecting her. _Both_ of them.

He had failed. He _has_ failed. As a father and a partner. Matt knows he won’t be able to live with himself if anything happens to Alex. _How could this happen?_ He thinks to himself in anger. _We were just starting to be happy. Really, truly happy._ Matt wonders if this is his penance in some way. Some evil form of retribution from bad deeds, bad thoughts – a previous life perhaps? He shakes his head in an attempt to rid himself of these thoughts before he drives himself completely mad.  But the thoughts don’t go away. They multiply, each one larger and harsher than the last. He rakes a hand through his hair and tries to suppress the screams of his own that threaten to explode from the center of his chest.

“Mr. Smith?” a voice beckons lightly from behind. He glances over his shoulder, eyeing the doctor narrowly…fearfully. A moment later, his shoulders square and he turns his entire body and attention in the direction of his untold fate.

* * *

He opens the door softly and takes a tentative step into her room. He gazes upon her face as he steps closer to the bed. Sunlight peers through the window casting a glow on her otherwise ashen color. Her head tilts toward the window, toward the sunshine – as if pleading for it to bestow its grace upon her. Matt swallows the lump in his throat and continues his silent gait in her direction.

“You don’t need to tiptoe around me you know,” she rasps, her voice low and hoarse. Her eyes remain closed as if she’s afraid to open them. Afraid that opening them will begin the onslaught of tears that won’t ever stop. She can feel them welling up in her chest already. She felt them the minute she woke up. Because she knew.

“I didn’t want to wake you.” Matt strides purposefully to her and perches himself on the edge of a chair next to her bed. He grasps her lifeless hand in his and threads their fingers together. He stares at her as she continues to refuse to open her eyes. He wills her to look at him, to connect with him, and squeezes her hand tightly in an attempt to elicit something out of her.

“Alex,” he begins quietly. “Sweetheart-”

“I know.” She interrupts, her whole body still unmoving.

“Oh…” Matt replies and shifts uncomfortably in his seat. What does he say to her now? “Did the doctor already come talk with you?”

“No.”

It crushes him. He doesn’t know what to say or what to do to make her feel better. How could he possibly think anything will make her feel better? He does know, without a shadow of a doubt, that he cannot let her succumb to her darkest thoughts. He can’t let her crawl inside herself and disappear. _Keep her talking_ , he tells himself. _Ask questions. Doesn’t matter. Just keep her talking._ “So how did you know that-”

“Because it’s my bloody body you idiot!”

Matt winces like she lashed him across the face. “I’m sorry,” he ekes out. “I’m so sorry…” he chokes on his words, the emotion becoming more than he can bear. He looks down and notices her hand missing from his. When had that happened? He also notices her breathing has become erratic, her chest rising and falling with much more intensity. Her jaw is set square and tight. He knows this look. She’s fighting. Fighting with everything she’s made of so she doesn’t break apart. He used to be able to comfort her in times like these. He was the one that could bring her smile back. Now he doesn’t think he’s capable – nor that she’ll let him.

Throwing caution to the wind, he rises from his chair, turns slightly and sits softly on the side of her bed, placing an arm over her legs to brace himself. He looks pointedly at her, willing her to look his way, though she doesn’t. “Don’t,” is all she murmurs from the corner of her mouth.

“Alex I just want to hel-”

“Don’t.” She cuts him off curtly and snaps her attention to him, eyes wide, breathing still uneven. “You can’t help. You can’t fix this. You didn’t even want this. So just go.”

He can’t think of the right words to say. Can’t think of _any_ words to say. But now the anger he’s been suppressing for her begins to rise to the surface. “You don’t get to bark orders at me Alex. And you don’t get to tell me how I feel. I wasn’t going anywhere before and I’m not going anywhere now. Are we clear?”

If they could both breathe fire at this very moment they would. Her wordless, penetrating glare cuts through him and surprisingly makes him even angrier. Before she has a chance to unleash hell on him, the doctor enters. Sensing the tension that has settled in the room, he glances between them a few times before speaking. “Alex, I need to go over some things with you – would you like me to do that alone?” He glances to Matt again and back to Alex. She knows without even looking at him what he’ll do if she tells him to leave so she huffs with exasperation and tries to right herself in a more upward position.

“It’s alright, he can be here.”

“Very well,” he nods, but hesitates. “This might be extremely personal and potentially traumatic…so I need you to be sure you don’t want more…privacy…for this conversation.”

At that Matt stands up tall and crosses his arms over his chest in defiance. Good luck to anyone that tries to get him to leave now – even her. It doesn’t go unnoticed by Alex and she bites the inside of her cheek before nodding. “I’m sure.”

The doctor glances to Matt with a sympathetic look before beginning. “Unfortunately we were unable to save the pregnancy, I’m very sorry to say.” Both Matt and Alex look down at their respective laps upon hearing confirmation of what they already knew to be true. The doctor looks pointedly at Alex. “You lost a massive amount of blood. You’re very lucky to be alive.” Though the words sting like a thousand needles on bare skin, the doctor makes every effort to land the blows as softly as possible. Especially knowing what comes next.

“Alex, when you were in surgery, with the amount of hemorrhaging that took place, we had to perform an emergency abdominal hysterectomy. I’m very sorry, but-”

“I can never have a child,” she interjects despondently.

The doctor nods solemnly. “Yes. At least not biologically. There are many other options available to y-”

“No. Thank you doctor, but that won’t be an issue.” She forces a grimacing smile, and the doctor silently and gracefully exits the room.

An uncomfortable silence fills the air as neither knows what to say and both don’t wish to be the first to say anything. Matt strides over to the window, gazing out at nothing but unable to look in her direction. As if sensing this, Alex decides to take a proverbial hammer to the glass. “Suppose it’s for the best anyway,” she chirps in a painfully forced sing-song voice. “This one wasn’t supposed to happen anyway. Looks like the fluke in the universe worked itself out.” She looks down at her bedsheets, straightening and smoothing them repeatedly with her hands. Once they’re completely smooth and straight, she turns her focus to the enthralling issue of her cuticles. “Honestly…can you imagine us with a child,” she says as more of a statement than a question. “We would’ve ripped each other’s hair out by the second week.” She attempts a sarcastic chuckle but it falls flat. 

Matt stuffs his hands in his pockets and turns toward her, leaning himself against the window. “Don’t do that, Alex.”

“Don’t do what?”

“You’re upset. Allow yourself to be upset. Don’t disregard this and call it a mistake. Because it wasn’t. It was – it _is_ a tragedy. But no part of her was a mistake. Or a _fluke_. Don’t minimize it. You’re better than that.” His monotone voice unnerves every single part of her.

“How dare you,” she shoots back. “Five minutes ago you’re telling me that I can’t dictate how you feel, and yet here you are doing the same to me.”

“Because you’re being unreasonab-”

“I am _not_ being unreasonable,” she fires, nostrils flaring. “I’m actually being quite clear about this for the first time since it happened. Yes it was a tragedy but you know what else? It _was_ a mistake. It was an accident that should’ve never happened in the first place.” Her rising voice falls to a more even tone as she tries to calm herself. “Be real, Matt. You never wanted this. You dealt with it and if I’m being honest, you were quite wonderful about it really. But let’s face it…it wasn’t right. You and I…aren’t right. There’s a reason so many things have blown up in our faces. Something is trying to tell us that we’re not meant for each other like this. We were never going to be a happy little family. Better to get the pain out of the way now.” The last part she says dejectedly. She turns her head and wipes at the skin under her eyes, desperate not to fall apart in front of him.

He springs off the window and to her bed, standing directly over her with such a presence she can’t help look anywhere but up at him. “Don’t push me away, Alex. Don’t do this.”

“I’m not trying to push you away. I just think-”

“I know what you think. I’m asking you to wait.” She looks at him, confused. “Wait until you’re out of the hospital. Wait until you’ve had a chance to be home. Wait until you’ve had a chance to grieve. Then tell me you want nothing to do with me.”

“Matt that’s not what I meant.”

He nods in understanding. “I know. You meant that we should just stick with being friends. But you know as well as I do that things will come up, we’ll get busy, and before you know it we’re going three years without speaking again. Maybe even another ten without seeing each other. It’s just an excuse, Alex. And I’m asking you to wait. If for nothing else, for me. I can’t do this without you. You’re right – I never wanted to be a father. But knowing that I was – and knowing I had the chance to be – and that I won’t have that chance again…I need to grieve too. And I need you with me. She was _our_ daughter.”

“You’ll have the chance again, with someone else-” she offers lightly.

“No I won’t,” he says pointedly. She understands his meaning more than she hoped. He won’t ever want the chance again with anyone else. He’ll be a bachelor forever. But before her, that’s what he wanted. How could he possibly be disappointed with having his old life back? Alex reflects momentarily on his words.

“Alright,” she says with a sigh. “I’ll give it some time. But Matt…I don’t want to lead you on. I won’t change my mind.”

He smiles sadly. “I’m not asking you to, love.”

* * *

A month passes. Matt insisted Alex stay at his flat, so neither of them would have to be alone. During that time, he has the nursery in her flat turned back into her office space. Though he’s tried to be covert and secret about it, Alex knows precisely what he’s doing. And she lets him do it. Even lets him continue to think she doesn’t know. She’s watched him since they arrived back from the hospital and she sees the cracks in his armor. He was very open about his need to grieve to get her to stay – yet since that time, he’s built his own wall around himself void of anything resembling emotion or weakness or grief. Too exhausted by her own measures of self-containment, she just lets him be. They don’t speak much during the day, both going about their own business.

At night, they sleep in the same bed and, more often than not, curl into each other without words exchanged. Something about the simplicity of feeling the other one and knowing their presence offers a small sense of peace. Sometimes Matt hears Alex stifling her sobs as he’s wrapped around her back. He aches to turn her over and kiss her pain away. Wrap up every tear with his lips and swallow it for eternity.

But he doesn’t.

Sometimes he subconsciously wraps his arm around her waist tighter for good measure. Alex knows this as a sign he can hear her and she feels comfort in his strength. Occasionally she hears him too, talking in his sleep, crying out for someone. One night she woke up to find him thrashing about and unable to catch his breath. She stroked his hair lightly and whispered soothingly in his ear as he let peaceful sleep find him again.

Neither speaks about any of it. The conversation they do have is pained and peripheral. The very distance Matt was afraid would find them if apart has nestled in painstakingly well even in their proximity. On a Sunday afternoon, from the balcony Alex watches Matt sit on the beach in their spot. _He’s miserable,_ she thinks to herself. _I’m miserable._ It isn’t fair to either of them to have to continue on like this. She’s not sure how much longer they possibly _could_ continue on like this without breaking. One of them has to break the ice and say the hard words that need to be said. Only then can they fully and truly move on and try to move past this without doing so in vain. In a moment of clarity, Alex knows what she needs to do.

She walks down to join him in the sand. “Is this seat taken?” she says light-heartedly.

He doesn’t look up at her, but gestures next to him. “All yours.”

She sits cross legged, elbows on her knees, hands fidgeting in her lap.

“Whatever you want to say, you should just say it before you lose your nerve,” he squints into the reflection of the sun against the water.

Alex turns her head to him. “What do you mean?”

He nods his head in the direction of her hands. “You only fidget like that when you’re nervous to talk about something.” She stares at his profile longingly and surely enough, finds herself losing her nerve. A giant lump forms in the back of her throat that feels like a jagged boulder. The tight pressure on her chest doesn’t help.

“I think I’m going to go back to New York,” she blurts out, but barely in a whisper.

The tapping of his foot against the sand – his nervous tick – stops suddenly at her words. With his knees bent and arms resting against the tops of them, he turns his head to her. Her glassy eyes stare back at him pleadingly. But pleading for what? For him to let her go? Or beg her to stay?

“You can’t be serious,” he says matter-of-factly.

“We tried, Matt. Look where it’s gotten us. We haven’t grieved together at all. We’ve gone in completely different directions and we can’t even-” she has to pause to catch her voice from cracking. “We can’t even talk to each other anymore.”

“So…what, you just think it’s easier to run away? I swear to god Alex, sometimes you just never change.” Matt shakes his head and wipes the sand from his hands against the sides of his legs as he begins to stand. He looks down at her. “Just – just please tell me you won’t go back, you know – to _him_.”

Slightly in shock, Alex rises to meet him. She truly thought this would be the right thing, the _best_ thing, for both of them. Some actual distance and perspective might help ease the pain between them and perhaps one day they could actually reconnect with each other.  “That’s not why. I would hope you think better of me than that.” He looks away sheepishly, acknowledging the truth in her statement.  “I’m not running away from you Matt. I think it’s best for you to get back to the life you used to have. And you can’t do that with me here.”

“Having you here is the only thing that’s kept me from falling apart,” he admits painfully.

“At what cost?” She questions earnestly. “Maybe we need to fall apart a bit so we can rebuild ourselves. If we keep trying to be strong for each other it will just continue to harbor resentment and anger until one or both of us explode. And that…” she trails off. “I don’t think I could come back from that Matt. At least this way it gives us a chance to find each other again, in the future.”

Matt stares at her, through her eyes and into the deepest part of her soul, and it unearths her. “When?” he asks gravely.

She shrugs. “I haven’t made any plans yet – maybe a few weeks? I don’t really know.”

“Will you stay with me until then?” The question nearly breaks her heart in half. She doesn’t know if it’s the innocence in the question itself or the pleading in his voice. She wants to launch herself in his arms, hold tight and never let go. She wants to smooth the hair from his forehead as he sleeps for the rest of her life.

Instead, she simply says, “Of course.”

* * *

 

That night they once again find peace amidst the night terrors in the comfort of each other’s embrace. Only this time, Matt holds onto her just a little bit tighter and Alex finds his hand in the dark, wrapping it around hers as her tears form small rivers on her pillow.


	23. Look Right Through Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Since the day she told him she’d be leaving, his despondency only spiraled even further than before. She kept her promise to stay with him but half the time he acted like she wasn’t even there. Most mornings she wakes up in his bed, alone – finding him sprawled out on the sofa. He barely looks at her. Can’t bring himself to touch her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So it's come down to this...if you're still reading, I hope it's because you trust me :D Also, there will be an epilogue adding a bit more to the story, so please stay tuned!

A few weeks pass and Alex continues to make her plans to return to New York. Boxes are in the midst of being packed. Papers are being gathered. Alex searches for her passport, thinking she might need and want a trip away after she gets settled. Not finding it anywhere, she picks up her phone to call Matt. Maybe she left it over there. She pauses as she starts to dial, wondering if he’ll even answer. Since the day she told him she’d be leaving, his despondency only spiraled even further than before. She kept her promise to stay with him but half the time he acted like she wasn't even there. Most mornings she wakes up in his bed, alone – finding him sprawled out on the sofa. He barely looks at her. Can’t even bring himself to touch her.

It’ll all be over soon. _Just a few more days_ , she thinks. Deciding not to waste any more time, she grabs her keys and purse and heads out the door to his place.

When she arrives, Alex doesn't even bother with knocking but instead lets herself in with the spare key he’d given her. She enters to find him in the same position he was in when she left earlier in the morning. Lying on the sofa, one arm outstretched behind him, the other with remote in hand pointed at the television. He could use a good shower, she surmises. And the place could use a good cleaning. It’s not quite to the dire point it was after his mother’s passing, but it’s quickly getting close.

“Do you know if my passport is lying anywhere around here?”

In his zombie-like state, Matt doesn't turn his head nor make any movement in response. “Haven’t seen it,” is all she gets in return.  She rolls her eyes behind him and starts looking through drawers, in cabinets, desperate to keep herself busy with the task at hand so she doesn't focus on _him._ She comes to a stack of papers and mail on the counter and forcefully reminds herself not to think of the last time she found a surprise amidst a similar pile. She rifles through it a bit, not finding her passport. She does, however, come upon something unexpected.

“What’s this?” she asks as she holds an envelope with her and Matt’s name scribbled across the front.

Making his reluctance known, Matt rises from the sofa and pads over to her to see what she’s referring to. “Oh, s’nothing. Just some tickets is all.”

“Tickets? To what?”

He shuffles to the refrigerator and grabs a carton of orange juice. “It’s nothing. Some basketball game. One of my clients gave them to me awhile ago and I forgot about them.” He takes a swig from the carton and sets it down on the counter. Alex opens the envelope and glances at the tickets.

“These are for tonight.”

Matt shrugs. “Like I said, I forgot about them.” He crosses to the other end of the kitchen to reclaim his comfortable position on the sofa.

“We should go,” Alex blurts out before realizing it. He stops in his tracks looking at her like she’s grown a second head.

“You don’t even like basketball, Alex.” He shakes his head in mockery as if trying to understand why she’d say something like that. He slumps hard into the sofa, this time in a sitting position. His right elbow rests on the arm of the sofa while his hand bears the weight of his head. He yawns wide, staring out toward the ocean, his eyes blank.

Alex bites her lip. “But you like it.” She moves to the opposite side of the sofa and sits with a knee under her. It’s impossible not to notice the dark circles under his eyes and the heavy stubble that’s grown in around his face. She watches him run a hand through his unruly hair. “Matt, you haven’t ventured into the outside world since – well, since everything.”

He huffs but she continues delicately. “I’m leaving Sunday. I want to have one more good memory before I go.” The softness of her voice tickles his heart. “It could be fun. You and me. One more outing. What do you say?”

He looks at her sideways under furrowed brow. “You and I don’t exactly have the best track record with sporting events.”

She looks down and stifles the quip forming on her lips. He’s going to bring that up again? She measures her next words carefully. “That was another lifetime ago, Matt. You know that.” She says the last part with a bit of pointed fervor, letting him know she doesn't appreciate the dig. She continues. “Look, it’s free…it’s a way to get you out of this flat…and to be honest I could really use a night out too.”

Matt studies her as she grows increasingly exasperated. He sighs loudly, letting the breath flow out of his body.

“You have to eat junk food with me,” he says very matter-of-factly.

Amazingly enough, this makes her grin from ear to ear. She catches his smile in return as he turns his head in her direction.

“Deal.”

* * *

They sit in relatively uncomfortable seats close to the court floor and admittedly Alex has no clue what’s really going on in the game, but she cheers when Matt cheers and enjoys the melted wax-like cheese of her nachos in addition to the hot dog she previously wolfed down. It feels good to think about nothing for awhile. And it is like a switch flipped in Matt as well, which makes her all the more at ease. If she is going to leave, she needs to know she can leave him to be well so she won’t worry all the time. So she won’t be tempted to call or text or email – or come back. As it is, she fights everything inside her screaming at her to stay. Slowly, as she watches the life fill his eyes once more, she knows she must go. It’s the only way he’ll be able to truly get some semblance of life back to himself.

Some loud buzzer goes off and people start shuffling off in every direction. Alex looks confused to Matt.

“It’s halftime,” he says to her. “I’m going to pop into the loo and grab another drink. You okay here?” She nods fervently. “You want anything?” he adds.

“I could use another drink too actually,” she motions her almost empty cup in his direction.

“No problem, back in a pop.” He jogs up the stairs and she turns back toward the court, watching the cheerleaders perform some sort of dance routine with acrobatics that positively defy gravity. They finish and everyone around her claps, so she shrugs her shoulders and joins in.

Then suddenly the entire arena turns dark. Alex whips her head around in curiosity coupled with a twinge of panic.  But before the feelings of fear have the chance to settle in, a familiar melody rings in her ears. It’s the silly song she and Matt share as theirs. Closing Time. The song that always seems to be playing when they are together. And before she can process _that_ , the large video screen hanging from the ceiling flashes on and before her, in larger than life form, is Matt.

Her eyes are fixated on the screen. Confusion and wonder course through her as her heart starts pumping rapidly. He’s standing on a beach.

No.

_Their_ beach. _Their_ spot.

Her jaw unwillingly and subconsciously falls open. In the darkness she searches for his _actual_ form, but she is whipped back to center when the video version of him starts talking.

“Surprise, Alex. I’m standing here, in our spot, and you’re probably wondering what’s all happening. No need to worry. I just wanted to share a few things with you before you’re off to the big city again. I hope you’re listening carefully.”

Alex darts her eyes around her without moving her head so as not to give herself away. Every single pair of eyes looks upward, engrossed in what they’re watching.

“I've learned a few things about myself since you've been back and I thought I owed it to you to share them with you. So...you know how I like to use movie quotes in actual life situations?” Alex laughs quietly to herself. He does that all the time. “Here’s one for you. Alex…’you are everything I never knew…I always wanted.’ My life before you was normal. Predictable. And I liked it. Since you came back into my life I can’t predict anything. Things never go in a straight line." He pauses. "And I love it. I never thought I would – but I do.”

Alex wipes away the tear that escapes the corner of her eye.

“Second thing I learned is a day without you is like a day without sunshine. Sounds a bit corny yeah – but – those are the sort of days that you just get by. You don’t really enjoy them. That’s what my life is like without you in it. I could get by. But I don’t want to get by. I want the sunshine in my life, every day, for the rest of my life.”

She starts furiously wiping the tears away as they flow down her cheeks in consistency.

“Lastly – and this one’s important – I've learned that I am a grand gesture guy after all. I mean, lookit,” he gestures forward with his hands as if he’s there with her. “But I’m only a grand gesture guy because it’s you. You are the only person in my life I ever felt compelled to do special things for. And you know why? Because that smile. That smile that goes from ear to ear and lights up your whole face. That smile you’re wearing right now – it makes everything right in the world and I would do anything, everything, every day, for the rest of my life, to see it.”

Through her tears and – accurately – her smile, Alex holds her hands over her mouth in astonishment. He is absolutely, completely bloody ridiculous.

And she loves him.

She can’t ever leave him. She loves him.

Video Matt steps closer to the camera, looking straight into it as if he’s speaking to her alone. “You said that because of what we've gone through we couldn't make it. But you’re wrong. It’s _exactly_ because of what we've gone through that we _can_ make it. We've been through fire and we’re still standing. I love you, Alex. I've loved you since I was fourteen years old. And I’ll love you till I’m a hundred or more. I’ll love you if you decide you have to go. But I’m asking you to stay. The life that you think you’re giving me by leaving is not a life I want anymore. The only life I want is with you. Forever.”

As video Matt motions to turn the camera off, he jumps back into the screen and Alex reels, wondering what more he could possibly say. “Oh right, almost forgot. Hey Alex?” He zeroes his face in as close to the camera as possible. “Gotcha.”

On cue, the video clicks off and the chorus of their song culminates loudly throughout the area while a spotlight simultaneously pierces through the darkness and shines brightly onto the court floor on Matt’s standing form, in a tux, red roses in his arms, and a huge smile on his face. The crowd erupts into cheer and applause and Alex thinks she might pass out from the overwhelming throngs of emotions running through her. The spotlight follows Matt as he climbs the steps toward her. Twenty thousand pairs of eyes also follow him and fall on her as he stops just inches in front of her.

If she weren't completely stupidly in love with him, she’d hate the smug grin plastered on his face.

“How did you do all this?” is her first question. She has to yell a bit.

“Told you once, Kingston. I know quite a few people in this town. _Important_ people.”

She’s still in shock. “But you weren't even – how did you – what if I didn't come with you?”

He hands her the large bundle of roses and looks at her adoringly, like they’re completely alone. He leans forward and nuzzles his nose in her hair. “I knew you’d come,” he whispers in her ear. “I know you, Alex.”

She searches his eyes and brings her free hand to his cheek. “You did… _all this_ …for me...” She stares around in awe, now ignoring the fact that everyone still watches their every move. “I don’t know what to say,” she rasps out, her tears welling up again in her chest. She wants to cry from happiness. She wants to cry from loss. She wants to cry from pure, true, timeless love that seeps out of her pores.

“Say yes.” He takes her hand from his cheek and grasps it in his own as he kneels before her on one knee. He holds a ring between his fingers in his other hand. A beautiful, hand crafted, one-of-its-kind ring that reflects every bit of light that touches it. _Just like her_ , what Matt thought when he had it made.

She drops the flowers on her seat and unabashedly opens her mouth in astonishment. She searches his eyes questioningly.

“Everything I never knew I always wanted. Forever.” He smiles again as the crowd obliterates the arena with their cheers and whistles and applause.

Alex drops to her knees to be face to face with Matt. With shining eyes and a smile to be etched into the pages of history, she shrugs. “Sure. Why not?”

He narrows his eyes at her for just a moment, recognizing her attempt to redo history and, if at all possible, falls in love with her even more. Ring still in hand, he grabs the back of her neck and brings her lips to his with urgency and fervor. She wraps her arms around his neck and laces her fingers through his hair. She feels his tongue probe and deepen the kiss as his left arm wraps around her waist to bring her even closer. Realizing the public scene around them, Matt breaks the kiss, arm still around her. His right hand lifts her left as he slides the ring over her knuckle and firmly on her finger.

“You completely outdid yourself with this one,” she mutters in his ear.

“I did, didn't I?” he echoes rhetorically with a laugh. “Couldn't help it. You belong here, with me. I couldn't let you leave without giving it everything I've got.” He places another kiss to her lips.

“It’s always been you,” she says to him through tears. “Even if I was without you. I knew it’d always be you.”

He shakes his head softly and smiles.

“One thing I learned that I left out of the video…you’ll never be without me, Kingstonator. What sort of mad world do you live in?”


	24. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading and following and commenting on my first fic. It's really meant so much to me and prodded me to keep going to finish it. I'm glad you trusted me enough to follow it till the end :D Here's to the next one!

**Five years later**

 

Matt stands on the rear deck of his new home… _their_ new home…and lets the breeze wash over him. He feels the salt in the air and the wind in his hair as he closes his eyes and takes a deep breath in. It’s certainly been a long road to get here. But for the first time in a long time – perhaps ever – he feels completely at peace. Dare he say _happy_.

His life has truly come full circle.

As a kid he hated happiness because it seemed to be taken from him and he was made to feel empty. As he grew older he simply closed himself off to the idea of happiness because it only brought pain. It was easier to stay detached. Easier not to love anything. That way it wouldn’t hurt when it was gone.

Then _she_ barreled back into his life. To hell with his plans not to feel anything.

She, who brought chaos and confusion and music and love. She, who brought out things in him he thought he buried forever. She, who embodied sunshine and moonlight simultaneously. She, who makes him crazy and brings him peace all within one breath. She, who he loves with every inch of his bones and with every living part inside him.

She, who he never thought possible.

Matt’s mouth forms a smile as he lets his breath out and opens his eyes. As he gazes out at the ocean it reminds him of his relationship with Alex. Beautiful. Quiet and loud all at the same time. Violent and peaceful depending on the day. Always refreshing. Always renewing. Never-ending.

He turns his attention back to the smoking grill and flips the hamburgers over once. Ever since he’d sold both flats and they’d purchased an actual beach house, outdoor grilling has become one of his favorite things to do. And today, of all days, calls for a proper celebration.

“I always knew it was going to be you two, you know that?” a voice says from behind him, exiting the house and onto the deck.

Matt smiles, unable to hide the blush that still heats his cheek when he thinks about his luck. “Yeah?” He turns around. “Never thought it’d be you & me? Even a little bit?”

Karen snorts. “You and I were never meant for the long haul, you know that.” She walks closer to him and sets her elbow on his shoulder as they both face the house. “Besides, if I’d gotten stuck with you I’d never have those two angels in my life.” She gestures with her chin to her two sons playing with each other inside. She steps away from Matt to grab her drink off the table. “And you wouldn’t have any of this. And I wouldn’t have my two best friends back.”

“Good lord you jabber on, woman. It was a joke. No offense, but yeah – it was always Alex.”

“Yeah everyone knew it but you, numpty.”

“I knew it!" He defends. "I _knew_ it – I just – I didn’t – it doesn’t matter now, does it,” he huffs rhetorically. “We’re together now and _married_ now, so that’s all that matters.”

Karen scrunches her face in confusion. “Where is that wife of yours anyway?”

“Finishing touches. You know Alex. Everything has to be perfect.”

Karen’s husband Tom joins them on the deck, as does David, Arthur, and a few other friends. They get together at least once a year as a mini-reunion of sorts. Matt still remains close with David and Arthur and Alex had insisted many years ago on reconnecting with Karen. It wasn’t difficult to coerce them to ditch Chicago for a week for a beach vacation. Especially now. The timing had worked out perfectly.

Several minutes later the group is immersed in enjoyable conversation when Matt catches her out of the corner of his eye.

“Hello everyone,” she beams as she walks out to meet them. She catches Matts glance. Neither of them are able to wipe the smiles off their faces. When had they become so incredibly, stupidly, happy?

Karen squeals and rushes over to Alex, wrapping her in a hug. “It’s so good to see you,” she says with a slight cry as she squeezes Alex’s shoulder with her chin. She takes a small step back and raises her eyebrows playfully. “And who’s this?” she says in a sing-song voice.

“Everyone, this…” she adjusts to a more comfortable position. “Is Adrianna Lynne Kingston Smith.” Alex simply glows. “We brought her home yesterday.”

“Lynne…after your mom?” Karen asks in Matt’s direction.

He nods. “Kingston here thought she’d like it.”

“Of course she’d like having her granddaughter named after her,” Alex coos as she holds her daughter. “I only wish she was here to watch her grow up.”

Matt walks over to her side and kisses the baby’s forehead. “She’s watching,” he says with a fond smile.

Just then Matt feels a force barrel into him from behind and he bellows in surprise. He turns slightly with a smile, grabs the tiny sand-covered hands and scoops up the body to sit on his shoulders. Matt glances up at the floppy haired boy. “Aren’t you going to say hi to mom and dad’s _very old_ friends?”

Karen smacks his shoulder. “Oi. Watch it Smith.”

“Hi,” the little voice says.

David steps forward and extends his large hand to greet the tiny one. “Hi. I’m David. What’s your name?”

“I’m Samuel James Kingston Smith!” The group laughs collectively. Matt secures one arm over Samuel’s legs and wraps the other around Alex’s shoulders. He presses a long, content kiss to her temple and gazes at his new daughter.

After they were married Matt spent months convincing Alex he wanted to adopt a child. Though she was initially hesitant, when they saw the picture of Samuel, both of them just _knew._ That was their son. Alex teased him about evening out the odds of a boys-in-charge house and Matt sprung on her one day the idea of adopting a daughter. Several months later, here they were. A proper family.

“I gotta tell you, I _never_ thought I’d see the day where this would be your life,” Arthur laughs. “I mean beach house sure – but…married? Kids? Not that long ago this would’ve been your nightmare.”

Matt and Alex both smirk. “True,” Matt sighs. His arm squeezes around Alex tighter. “But not that long ago I didn’t have her.” He gazes down at her. “This is my world now. This is my madness.” He smiles.

“And I wouldn’t have it any other way.”


End file.
